To be quietly hating my husband

I imagine this is 50 years worth of resentment just bubbling over don't let it eat away at you, does it matter if stew isn't cooked how you would do it ?

I think you need to spell what you want need and expect out to your DH very clearly and nice. If he hasn't got a clue then he will need everything spelling out to him. Repeatedly. You will get there l am sure OP just look after yourself and take Deep breaths before you burst and take your frustration out on him . Wishing you the very best of luck hope you are feeling much better very soon 💐

It sounds like this man just coasted along in life without worrying because the woman did it all, I'm not blaming the op because that's just how things were now he is "useless " because he never had to think about anything else except himself.

Tbf it sounds like the op needs some more understanding too. Ambulances aren't usually the first port of call for chemo induced diarrhoea for example.

Perhaps they could do with a meeting with the op's specialist nurse to give them both advice on how to cope and manage things, contact numbers for support and guidance re symptoms etc.

She shouldn't have to tell her husband what to do but if women do everything for 50yrs it is no surprise that men might well flounder with a slow cooker.

I've had major surgery and my husband had to return to work, we had young dc. It is hard but it's life, we all have to develop some resilience and tolerance when we get a significant diagnosis.

I'm.sorry you are going through this you just don't want to think about anything other than resting and dealing with your illness
,however your husband is bumbling along because he doesn't know anything else my dad in his 70s would be the same he would be totally useless if my mum was seriously ill, I don't know the answer really maybe get him to prepare simpler meals so it's not stressful for you. Order in your sachets so they are the correct ones just some practical things to make your life easier .

Op sorry to hear you're going thru this and wishing you all the best.

Aside from this sorry I'm curious why was your hubby eating a roast dinner as you say but you didn't eat the same dinner. He made himself a roast but didnt make enough for two? Sounds odd. Does he usually cook for himself only ?

Of course get the woman to do it! What low expectations you must have of men.

OP I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m raging at him for you.

Its infuriating at the best of times when men don’t apply their skills, intellect and abilities to what they no doubt view as menial tasks that don’t require full attention (internalised misogyny as it’s always been viewed as women’s work).

But pragmatism needs to be front and centre here. The anger will just make you feel worse.

May be write him a letter asking him for what you need - be really clear that this is one of the scariest times in your life and how he handles this will define your future relationship and how you see him. Sandwich it between thanking him and praising him for what you can.

Then sit in it for a bit and then decide whether or not to send it.

But once it’s written try and breathe the anger out. Let go of the things you can’t control. Do what you can to make yourself more comfortable.

Come here and have a really good moan about that idiot man!!

And yes he will underestimate and invalidate your experience and you will need to make the call if you need an ambulance. Again - internalised misogyny.

Is there a good friend you could ask for help? Someone to cook you the odd meal. Be on standby to call an ambulance if you think you need it?

Also might be helpful to talk to others who have been through Chemo. I bet you are not the first woman to feel this way about her useless lump of a husband.

Does she fuck as like need to be “gentler” with this selfish man baby.

You’re seriously suggesting it’s reasonable that a horribly ill woman be forced to baby-step her life partner through not being so shit that he puts her life at risk??

OP, I understand completely why you’re feeling as you are at the moment, you’re going through a lot and it does seem as though your husband isn’t considering your needs, especially if you feel like you were always attuned to his, but not everybody thinks the same way.

What I will say though is I agree with pp, it sounds as if your emotions are heightened here and you’re expecting your DH to somehow mind read or know what you need or want instinctively when he is probably out of his depth and dealing with some horrible emotions himself. He’s only human - you didn’t realise your electrolyte drink contained live bacteria else you wouldn’t have asked him to get it, yet you expect him to automatically know what’s what? I get that he should have realised your blackcurrant allergy but we all make mistakes.

You say you’re ’quietly’ hating him, which suggests you aren’t communicating. You can’t really expect him always to know things without communicating what you need. Sometimes mistakes happen or people do things clumsily even if they are well intentioned.

Wishing you the very best recovery 🌺

You have a bloody good whinge, you deserve it!

I am sorry, I am sure you have looked after everyone else and now you need a bit back. He can step up and think a bit harder!

Not a single word on how utterly pathetic it is that female children and desperately ill women have to sit down full grown men to explain chemo care in toddler terms, or take over the job entirely?

@Gloriia people with stomas go down hill very fast. You have a point of contact via the stoma service and Macmillian, but they generally tell you to go to A&E. As well as the BC, Stoma there's the complications from the surgery. It isn't key hole and doesn't heal as well as usual because of the stoma. A patient gets to know their output and if it is too much you can go into a coma because of dehydration. You don't have enough bowel and a colon for drinking water to make it better. Which is why the rehydration drinks are needed. If it is a blockage (no output ) then sepsis and other complications can quickly come on.

Really? She has cancer and has to be kind to HIM? OP must be at least my age 66 so unless husband has some sort of dementia he should be taking better care of her.
Anyone having chemo is given very detailed guidance on avoiding infection. There is no excuse for him not knowing.
LTB

You've spent 50 years looking after him and taking the lead on, if not all of, the domestic responsibility and he isn't able to adjust to the change. He has had a life time of putting himself first with you facilitating it. To expect a turn around now is unrealistic. This isn't an excuse for him, it's simply pragmatism. As I doubt you're considering LTB, I think you're going to have to find a way to lower your expectations because the stress and rage isn't good for you. I'd try sitting him down for a tough talk, with clear requests as to what you need him to do.

Gently op, you’re BOTH going through hell and your husband is probably doing his best. I had chemo years ago and never knew you’re not supposed to reheat quiche… chemo hit me very hard and I was totally knackered, I had zero patience. And my husband did his best to do everything, but he was scared to hell of losing his wife so between him having to learn how to do things I normally did and his emotions (which he tried to hide from me) obviously things didn’t always happen smoothly. Food was overcooked, undercooked etc, he got other stuff than I had asked for, some things were forgotten, skipped …. But it was NEVER done intentionally and I think you need to remember your husband is probably not intentionally doing these things that annoy you. He is doing his best and if you think he needs to do something differently you have to tell him what you want him to do. Eg why didn’t you just say “jack can you call an ambulance”?

How is he supposed to know? Do some fucking research to try and help keep his partner of decades alive and well?

Jesus wept, the low standards we expect women to accept.

I'll defend him on the wanting a meal and drink, however he should have checked you had everything first.
My DP has a stoma after bowel cancer, he was discharged February and it was hard going for both of us. I was doing the bed changes and full care. I was that run down I got conjunctivitis, UTI, cold sores. This was on the back of being at the hospital, nearly lising him (while he's blussfully on morphine). However part of the stress was the research and the adjustment. My first supermarket shops took hours, reading packets etc. We've taken a temporary break among all this (I was still supplying food and changing the bed etc). Unless you are living it, you probably wouldn't understand the stress. We have to share a bed, so both if us are up every two ish hours. I've had three children as a LP, worked in care and cared for relatives, but I'm feeling my age (near 60) and it's bloody tough.
Good communication, both talking about how you are feeling and fears. Talk about your struggles.
Him to get on all the FB pages and know when you need medical care. Make full use of your stoma support and Macmillian (we were bloody lucky with ours).
He needs a break when possible, so appreciate him wanting to eat/have a glass of red. I eat mushrooms out of his sight.
We now joke that covering me with his shit isn't an act of love etc you will get there. But posters will want you to LTB, somewhere in the middle is more realistic.

@andthat I absolutely agree. I guess it’s about having that conversation, though that just involves more emotional labour from OP.

All the vibes, @4seasons - so sorry to hear you are going through this and hope you feel a bit better soon.

"He proudly put a beef stew in the slow cooker yesterday..."

I think you should award yourself a gold medal for this though! I'm still working on building OH confidence up to make a basic pasta sauce.

Your anger at your diagnosis and fear about the future is understandable but as others had said do stop taking it out of your dh.

Why would he call an ambulance surely you have community nurses or a gp to contact first.

I don't think a bit of dried up stew is a big issue. He is trying, not like he's giving you takeaways every day.

As you've said he's been a good man over the years so focus on that.

Good luck with the future .

I had ovarian cancer, hysterectomy, chemo & rad therapy, My DH who had never had to cook in his life, cooked all my meals and sat down and sorted my multitude of tables, when I had to take them if i had to take them with food after food etc. he just did it , my sisters had offered to cook meals etc, but he just got on with it. Ok as pp mentioned he's not a mind reader, now tell him what you need and expect him to do. hope you feel well soon, xx

Exactly this.

Women care: men don't.

I am pretty caring and like to make sure people are comfortable but I’m not sure I’d have thought at times to jump into action for the things you’ve highlighted OP. I think maybe this is due to your situation and being a bit angry at the world right now?