To be quietly hating my husband

I'm massage therapist,in my work experience I saw and heard lots of stories..Once, I had a lady, very sick,I don't remember what she had,maybe something similar ...her husband took her for a very gentle massage because she could not walk ,she needed very much his help...when she was in the laid down position ,face down on the table for massage, her husband showed me very terrified how bad her body looked, so ugly in his eyes ,because when you are sick the body and the mimic of face shows this , you transform in a big suffering shape...unfortunately, the beauty is in the people's eye,the visual impact is most important thing...only the LOVE can see beyond all this...is not your fault, is not his fault, is just love which is missing...my advice, even if you look terrible ,and feel the same, rise your vibration, look into the mirror deep inside your eyes, there is your precious soul ,ask your soul for help...the soul can do miracles , just say , I need help,I need my help , I'm safe now and I'm ready for a new beginning ...

She has to be gentler to him?

I don't think that's the right way round

He's tucking into his dinner without a thought of what the OP needs to have

Arse

Don't swear at me you sad sad person....

Think you're being a bit harsh op obviously you're going through a lot. But sounds like your partner is probably absolutely stressed out by the whole situation and struggling to function. He's probably trying his best but can't cope can you ask anyone else for help for you both.

I'm sorry about your illness and chemo. I wish you all the best for a good recovery. I can understand his you feel frustrated and angry about how your husband is trying to deal with this. You've 50 years experience of cooking and caring for everyone in the family. He is clearly lacking in this department, which is understandable as you have done it all in the past. You have adult children, rope them in to help out. Pay for help around the house if necessary. Most importantly, sit your husband down and talk to him about what you need from him. I hope things go well.

I’ve had ovarian cancer and fully recovered. My DH was completely useless when I was ill. One day, when I had a moan at him his reply, in a very whiny voice was ‘I don’t like it when people are ill’. I literally wanted to kill him at that moment.

So I completely empathise with you @4seasons . Wishing you all the best, and sending love and strength.

Where are your children in the midst of all this OP?

That was in response to @Pluvia

It’s in the middle of this long post. But was a big drip feed as wasn’t mentioned at first.
seems the OP did recognise that a lot of her feelings were about her illness which is entirely understandable; I’m sure anger and resentment are entirely normal when you’re dealt a body blow like a cancer diagnosis. Hopefully her dh will learn to be hands on now. Never a good idea for one partner to do all the cooking and household stuff for years: it can lead to the other becoming pretty helpless and dependent.

Are you saying that you think your post in which you hoped her husband, in his late 70s and struggling with looking after someone with complex needs, would die choking on his dinner of leftover lamb (which she made clear she could have shared but didn't want) was perfectly reasonable?

Could you cut and paste the part of the OP's post where she writes about the quiche being reheated from frozen a second time, please. I've looked but can't find it.

Do you mean to sound a bit rude or ignorant? It can be difficult to tell when writing. Benefit of the doubt that you sincerely want to know, so I "googled" for you. It's difficult to compare, I imagine, as bland food woukd be subjective based on culture, wouldn't it?

www.indiancancersociety.org/cancer-information/pdf/eatwell.pdf

I would guess that the op is furious at the diagnosis, the treatment, the stoma, the chemo. It is such a horrible situation to have your life turned upside down and to suffer so much. She can't shout at her stoma though or her diagnosis so her dh will bear the brunt.

I bet he could provide perfect nutritious meals with perfect hoovering but she'd still find fault because she will be so full of stress and is feeling so unwell. I get that I really do, but does the op?

@PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting Yeah but that was a massive drip feed and I don't believe a word of it.

The problem was @Wimbledonmum1985 that the food -according to the OP - had already been reheated once, and then frozen for a second time. I think that unless we are very young adults most of us know that frozen food must not be frozen and reheated twice?

This. Sorry I don't think he is looking after you properly and he needs to step up.

I think people are just being arsey for the sake of it tbh.

What do people on chemotherapy in India eat? All bread and jam and plain chicken, is it?

Even aside from that, I'm really struggling to see how a roast dinner would be unsuitable for a person going through chemo.

I know a lady with fibromyalgia who can get hold of marijuana. Which is supposed to help with nausea as well as pain. I wouldn't hesitate to try it under these circumstances.

I remember two friends fondly one a widow with three young children who took pot because she worked full time at a GP surgery during chemotherapy to keep body and soul together for her children.

Another friend a pharmacist took it for MS. She too had young children.

Both reckoned it helped.keep the family as normal as possible for the children.

Yes, but that wasn't OP's issue, whether she fancied it or not.

D&V are main issues. Curries, roast meals etc are not typically craved as post-chemo meals. That was my point.

Agree. And before anyone swoops, I have had chemo.

I respectfully disagree. Someone who wanted to care for their partner but didn't know how would find out how. They'd google the information or ring/email the CNS or the hospital ward they've been given the telephone number for.

Oh, so would I, @C152. But I’m not a man who is from OP’s posts at least in his mid-70s who has not been expected to manage anything in the house for 50 years. I know a couple in their late 70s who don’t own a computer or even a smartphone. My husband has been seriously unwell for much of this year, thankfully well and truly on the mend, now. The situation was frightening and bewildering for me, too and honestly, each time I tried to ring the ward it would ring off the hook (even the hospital switchboard sometimes).

I don’t know how long OP has been living with her current circumstances. If it’s relatively early days, with chemo, I imagine her husband will improve in taking on the caring role

There's literally no reason you can't eat any of those foods on chemo.

No, but I reckon these people know a thing or two. And there's no harm with frozen food, as long as you heat it properly.

OP, I would advise getting a food probe and making sure all food is heated to 70 degrees.

Diet advice during chemotherapy - Food safety | Guy's and St Thomas' NHS Foundation Trust

Food safety when your immunity is low | Macmillan Cancer Support