Can't bring myself to have another baby

Nope it's not you. We all have problems. I have loads going on with all four of mine. Youngest had neurosurgery when he was a tot so it's been one worry after another.

Also do not underestimate the impact of not having a family support system. That’s something many people can’t relate to and was and still is the hardest part of having children for me

It’s early on, you can change your mine, or consider adoption

You don't get much rest when you're the parent of a baby unfortunately. I have experience of looking after a 9 month old too and we still got out alot.

Only you can decide if you need to seek help for post natal depression or if you just don't enjoy having a baby. If it's the latter then not having another is the best thing to do and you shouldn't stress about it.

I have 4, but I had two sets of two with DH. You don't get time to dwell if you have several needing your attention.

Enjoy the one you have.

We struggled with our first, so my original plan for 2 in 2 years flew out of the window.

It can really occupy you thoughts. So I decided to reassess every 6 months, which stopped me thinking about it constantly.

We did decide to have another when DD1 was 3 and ended up with a 4.5 year gap. It worked really well, no overlap on nursery fees, on mat leave when DD1 started school.

But it is worth thinking about why you had a baby. I realised that I wanted to be a mum and one baby did that.

🎯

Your post really resonated with me. I found 9-12 months really difficult. Baby is so much more aware, trying to be mobile, getting frustrated. You feel by this point that baby should be sleeping through, so every wake up feels like an assault. You want some time away from the baby, but can’t and then feel guilty for feeling like that. It’s just relentless. I used to do baby friendly spinning and aerobics then had to stop at this point t because baby wouldn’t just sit in the pram. I felt fat and ugly, and started to notice other mums around me had lost all their weight by this point. I wanted to continue BF (did until 14months) but equally it was frustrating, feeling touched out. I was pumping in the evening as well to build up a stash as only wanted one formula feed a day.

very similar to you, we have no family help. My parents are dead, siblings childfree and uninterested. DH siblings in-interested and at this time a difficult relationship with MIL. It all felt all consuming, and like it should be amazing but it’s just relentless.

baby was rubbish in the pram, so by this point outtings were difficult, couldn’t go and potter around the shops, I found all outtings stressful as we were on such a short time frame!

are you going back to work? I found that eventually helped me - albeit brought stresses in other ways. Baby is now 2, and I’m due #2 imminently. We always wanted to, wanted them close in age and I think there’s something to be said for getting the young age period out the way quickly.

I feel I’ll have different priorities with this maternity leave, and find a way to make more time for myself earlier on.

Sex is awful while you are breastfeeding because breastfeeding suppresses your hormones. It can improve so much once baby weans.

I remember recovering in hospital (80s) after the birth of my first baby and one of the midwives came to talk to me about contraception. I looked at her like she’d lost her mind! As if I’d ever be having sex again! But you do. You move on and forget. I had another son 8 years later

Almost a 6 year age gap between DC1 and 2. Like you we have zero help as we’re abroad and family live either abroad or in our home country. It was hard and we both didn’t even talk or think about it till DC1 was 4. Granted I just turned 25 when DC1 was born so I knew we had time sort of. Enjoy the moment really.

But you don't actually have to have another child. Granted, you may change your mind but it doesn't matter if you don't.

Two close friends stopped after one. Friend A was constantly feeling guilty, bringing up that he was an only child at least once every time I saw her (I don't think she realised this at all). Every worry she had about him was somehow linked to him being an only child. About a year ago they got a dog and she hasn't mentioned it since.

Friend B never brings up that her DC is an only child and only once referred to her decision to stop after him. She feels no guilty and they all go on lots of holidays. They also got a dog.

My Dad grew up as an only and loved it. He... also had a dog. My cousin grew up as an only and hated it. She did not have a dog!

So, how do you feel about dogs, OP?!

Sorry, I'm being a bit silly with this but I'm trying to say that there are different ways to have a big, slightly chaotic family and it doesn't have to mean having more children.

I’m not sure how old you are, which dictates how much time you have, but you don’t have to decide right now. You can wait and see how you feel in the future. I’ve a ten year gap between mine (life circumstances rather than planning) and it’s absolutely fine. I’m not advocating such a big gap for everyone but like I said, dependent on your age, you don’t have to make a decision now. Equally, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with deciding to have more one child and there’s no reason to feel your family is incomplete.

The first year is rough - hormonally, physically, emotionally, every way possible. But in a couple of years, you'll look back and only really remember the lovely moments, with a sprinkle of "do you remember how sleep deprived we were?!".

For me that happened at about 2.5 years and we decided to try for another. I ended up with a 5 year age gap and it's amazing.

You don't have to decide anything right now. If you're anxious to make a plan, maybe pick a date to revisit the conversation in 6/12/18 months and between now and then just take the time to enjoy the lovely moments.

I she with this! It's too early just enjoy your baby and take care of yourself first

Well op it might have turned out you just didn’t know what you wanted. Maybe you don’t want a big family.

Personally I think they are the stuff of ideas, books and tv shows like the Waltons and Brothers and Sisters, and all the big families I know in the flesh actually have quite complicated interactions and lots of stresses.

It’s silly to waste time worrying that you don’t have what you though you wanted but didn’t want, while you could be enjoying the little family you have.

Give it time. Things may change, and if they don’t, so what: you were wrong. Finding out the realities of things is how we learn and refine our desires.

ETA I’ve just seen you said two. That’s not so huge a family, so not endless months of babyhoods. See how it goes. But live in the moment for now.

you have a live beautiful baby and a wonderful supportive DH. How is that failure? I get the being a planner thing. Would it help to focus your need to plan on what happens next with this child?

They change so fast, and your life changes with them! I got pregnant unplanned when DS was 8 months and felt just like you, that positive test sent me into a deep depression for several months I'm afraid to say, I just couldn't see how I would cope 😔

Fast forward to now I'm 36 weeks pg, 16mo DS is an absolute joy to have around, even helps pick things up off the floor etc when my pgp is bad, whilst I HATE the third trimester with a passion I cannot wait for this new arrival and am absolutely ready to do it all again 🥰 I never ever thought I'd get here tho.

Really just try to take each day as it comes and you'll look back and it will just be a blur 💐

(Do get the pain checked out tho)

Your baby's not even a year old! There's really no rush. I don't know many people at all who started trying for another baby as quickly as that. Most of my friends didn't even contemplate having another one until their first one was well into the toddling stage and some waited a good bit longer than that.

Its okay to change your mind. I always thought we would have 2. Then I had years of fertility issues followed by HG throughout my pregnancy. I adore our toddler but he is very full on. He doesn't sleep well either. So although I worry about him being an only child I know its for the best to be one and done. I just try and focus on all the positives.

You don’t have to justify your feelings and decisions about your own family!

It’s sad that the extended family aren’t involved though. Is DH estranged from his? Do they have young children? Whether you have 1 or 10 kids, everyone needs a break and support especially in emergencies. Maybe the relationship will improve as baby gets older and you can have play dates etc.