Death in nursing home - is this normal - a bit shocked.

At least two weeks to a month or more is normal in this country.

No need for indecent haste and it can take a while to make arrangements as crematoriums etc may not have availability.

Same here when my dad passed away. They sound at least very unsympathetic.

So sorry for your losses OP.

I'm not in the UK but at my work we can only keep the residents for 4 hours after they pass away, for temperature reasons.
We would call you in the night to inform you, but we would call the funeral home ourselves to organise collection. The funeral home would then be in touch with you the following day to start arrangements. The only thing we want to know straight away is if you or other family are planning to come right away and say your goodbyes, or can we contact the funeral home straight away.

We kindly urge our families to decide on a funeral home on admission, for this very reason; no one wants to be making an on the spot decision about funeral homes when they've just lost a loved one. On the occasions where the family has not yet decided and their loved one has passed away, we have a large company that we recommend, if they are happy to go with them (they're a great company for the families, but also for us as they are always available night and day for collection).

I worked for a charity that ran a care home. A record was kept as to which funeral directors was preferred and if a resident died the nurse would contact them directly. This should not be something the family should have to deal with immediately following bereavement in the middle of the night.

I don’t understand if your father died in the middle of April why you’re only in the middle of organising his funeral now?

you don’t have to understand it.

In my country funerals take a week to schedule and it’s two weeks if there is an autopsy. We are at the end of May right now - meaning it’s been five weeks and your father still hasn’t been laid to rest

You said it yourself - “in your country”

Surely it’s up to your husband to arrange your MIL’s funeral?

And that last bit from you sums you up perfectly.

@FortyElephantsit will be 23 degrees! They cannot shut off the room!

Sorry for your loss but there is no morgue and in dementia facilities the patients wander and would walk into rooms they shouldn’t.

Why on earth are you picking the OP apart for her father's funeral arrangements? What's wrong with you? My mum died last year and the funeral took place 5 weeks later, it's not unusual and it's none of your business or the point of the thread. OP's partner died 3 years ago, which you'd know if you'd read her posts. Insensitive.

To be blunt @Muffinmam, you don’t need to understand why her dad died in April and she’s organising the funeral now.

Re-read the op carefully regarding her DH.

That wasn’t a kind post, and the last thing OP needed right now.

Your country sounds very well organised, but in England funerals can take place well after the date. My grandma on one side died in Ireland where she lived and was buried a week later. The day I got back to Scotland from his funeral I got a call to say my Grandpa on the other side had died in England. He wasn't buried till two months later. There is no rule and there can be delays.

This sentence We are at the end of May right now - meaning it’s been five weeks and your father still hasn’t been laid to rest. is rude, abrasive, and seems to be reproaching OP for something that is not necessarily within her control and not objectively wrong anyway. Maybe have a think about how arrogant it is to assume everything must be done your way everywhere, and whether it's appropriate to berate someone who is in shock and bereaved for "not laying her father to rest."

OP, I'm so sorry, I hope you managed to get a little sleep.

Paramedic here currently on shift.
Yes it's quite normal, even unexpected deaths are collected 1-2 hours after they die.

There are local variations, but generally if it's suspicious/unexplained death then police arrange care of the body to local medicolegal centre. If it's expected death then nok would be expected to make arrangements straight away. If there are no nok and no plans made the home will have an arrangement with a local provider to remove the body. But it's generally seen as bad practice to recommend/push someone to select a particular funeral director - in the past people have been found to be taking a referral bonus /cut shall we say.

-essentially it just needs to get done so you're asked to do it straight away as opposed to chasing you next day. Bodies start to smell, fluids are released. I've never known a funeral director to need any notice/"expect them any day now". They just have someone on call who'll drop what they're doing a come do the pick up whatever the time/day. If you change your mind at a later date they would arrange to move body.

Its hard but working in a home for carers someone dieing is just a normal occurrence and that does tend to change your outlook over time. It is also possible that the night staff member who called you was a new agency carer just moved from abroad/English as second language and sometimes can sound a bit abrupt in how they ask things/some nuance is lost in translation. Definitely seen that a few times!!

But private homes don't have facility to store bodies either and when a person dies at home we don't call the funeral home in the middle of the night to collect them, we wait until morning at least! Nothing will happen to her for a few hours until the morning, the decent thing is to alert the relatives and ask them to arrange collection in the morning. They can shut up the room until then and leave the person where they are.

Asking if eveything is in place isn’t enough.

most people have no experience with this sort of thing.

she should have been talked through it.

Condolences for you father, MIL and DH. It’s a lot. Stay strong.

My parent died in a nursing home last year in the middle of the night too, like 1:30am. We were called and asked who our preferred funeral people were and I don’t remember who had to call them, but yes, by breakfast (so around 5am) then had already taken her away.

I’m so sorry.

i have no experience of this. I agree with you and I am shocked, but perhaps it is normal, I don’t know.

you are dealing with so much and I’m so very sorry xxxx

Please don’t be that person who makes OP repeat themself.
DP died three years ago. That’s included in the initial post.

I’m sorry for your losses.
Just to say that it’s pretty standard that the on call undertakers would collect a body out of hours & store them respectfully until you decide on the funeral directors. If you contact the funeral directors you’re dealing with for your late DF they can arrange for the collection directly for you. You won’t need to do much else.
As for her belongings, as awful as it sounds, they’ll want the space so they can get the next client in. They’ll have a policy around storing things so ask them first thing what their policy is. It might buy you another day.
If not, did your MIL die with any funds? If you’re the person that will be dealing with her estate, you could get a taxi & bill her estate for it.

I’m sorry for your loss.

As previously mentioned, they will ask you to clear the room ASAP, so please be prepared that they may ask you to come down today to do that.

That’s terrible, I”m so sorry. Don’t they take payment in advance so MIL would still have her place until the month is up? Or do their T&Cs require immediate removal?

I'm so sorry OP, that sounds awful. Surely it could have waited until the following morning.

I'm not in the UK, but when my DM passed I was asked who I wanted to use as an undertaker and the care home organised for her to be picked up, which seems much better to me.

I a so sorry for the loss of your parents. It must have seemed insensitive but if you were not going there straightaway I can understand that they need to make arrangements following her death.
It does sound as if you knew who you would be using and it is usual for these calls to be made 24 hours a day. There are limited staff and facilities in the care home to manage someone once they’re deceased and it made sense that they get the information from you whilst they could do.
It is hard but forms need to be completed and bodies dealt with appropriately- it’s a matter of legality but also decency - doing the best by your mum’s free she has died.
Please don’t let this jarring incident upset you any more than you have been already; the care home will have done their best for your mum whilst she was alive and the night shift is often quite limited.
I would rather she was taken overnight rather than during the daytime bustle. When my mum was removed by the undertaker from her care home the staff, including the cleaning came and made a standing wall to the external door to pay their respects. I found this out by chance from the caretaker who had been there; please don’t take this call as evidence of a lack of care. I wish you well.

That's three very close losses in a very short space of time, OP. I'm so sorry. That's a lot to go through.

I would expect them to let you know and ask you to make arrangements for your MIL to be collected, but it seems they have gone about it rather insensitively.

Maybe they've had prior issues with people taking their sweet time about that sort of thing, but still...

Care homes are just money making machines, residents are really just a line on a balance sheet to them

Yes and no in this context.
They don’t have a morgue facility. They need the bed for financial purposes AND social purposes. Part of the reason A&E is so clogged up is by bed blocking on wards by elderly who can’t be discharged home but desperately need a care bed asap.

That sounds odd. I remember looking it up when my nan was near death at home and I'm sure it said if they died in the night it was ok to leave until morning to ring undertakers if you wished. We didn't want to do that but still had to wait hours for doctor to come and confirm death. Then for the undertakers to come. Honestly I wish it could've been quick (although my dad was quicker and I still ended up feeling guilty for wanting him out of the house ASAP) so it's tough either way. Wouldn't they have had to have a doctor confirm with your MIL? That seems awfully quick if you said she only just passed when they contacted you. I'm very sorry for your loss