Death in nursing home - is this normal - a bit shocked.

How awful for you, I'm so sorry.
I don't know if there have been any regulatory changes in the past few years but when my DM died in a nursing home in 2016 there was nothing like this.
She had been unconscious for a few days before she passed away, we saw her in the afternoon of her last day then I got a call around midnight to say she had died. i asked if I could come in and see her then and there and they said of course.
My DB, who lived a couple of hours away, came to see her in the morning around 10am and she was taken away by the funeral diriectors after that.
At no time were we under any pressure to have her her removed before then. In fact her GP was also at the nursing home to sign her death certificate when my DB visited and it was only after that the funeral directors arrived. (GP had also seen her shortly before she died.)

What a great way to manage it. Does the research for you and gives you two options. Clear on the timescales too

It is somewhat the norm for the deceased to be collected pretty quickly after death in care homes. I know the one my GMIL and the one my Gran was in both have a procedure in place for when residents die. My Grandad and my MIL have both had to select a funeral home they would like Gran or GMIL to go to when they pass away. Both funeral parlours my MIL and grandad selected had 24hr lines and an out of hours service. They were asked by the care homes if they would prefer the care home to make arrangements for collection to the selected funeral parlour or if they wanted to do it themselves.

When my Gran died the care home phoned my grandad to let him know she had passed and that they would contact the funeral parlour (as agreed) to arrange pick up. The funeral parlour rang him a couple of hours later to confirm they had collected and he could come down to see her now or he could wait until the morning and come in.

The care staff packed all grans belongings into boxes and bags that they labelled (again you could choose if you want the home to pack the room or if someone would do it) and the belongings had to be collected within 3 days. If you were packing the room yourself then the room had to be packed and vacated within 48 hours or you had to pay for another week of care. I know that the room Gran was in had a new resident in it within 3 days of her death. Unfortunately there is such a demand for care home beds that they are on a very quick turn around. Some homes around us will turn a room round within 2 days.

Yes happened with my father who was transferred from hospital to a nursing home. I'd just visited him and on arriving home (30 minutes) got a phone call to say "Hello, sorry your father has just died. We need to remove the body. Can you phone the funeral directors"

Sorry for your loss OP 💐

Not quite the same but similar, FIL lived in supported housing but passed away in hospital. When DH phoned the management to inform them, the first thing they said was "we'll still need this week's rent in full" no condolences or any sympathy which was shocking as they'd always seemed very compassionate and caring when we'd had interactions with them while FIL was alive!

That’s a completely different situation to what we faced. When family arrived to collect her things on the same day she died her good clothes had gone as had her best toiletries. Her things had been there the day before. Our mother died in the night. The staff were asked but said that nothing had been taken from the room. It was disgraceful. This was a private nursing home. Not to go off topic on the thread.

After an aunt died in her care home, we were asked whether we’d mind leaving her things, some were nice, but they even wanted her old faded nighties, since they had residents with very little money and no relatives to buy them anything. 😰. Any leftover toiletries were used likewise.

We were happy to do so. Should add that all the residents in her wing had dementia, and were unlikely to be remotely bothered about what they wore. My formerly very fastidious DM was the same once dementia got its brutal grip on her.

You’re not being unreasonable to be shocked, but it’s relatively standard in my experience. Been through it 3 times and they can’t seem to get them out quick enough and get someone else in. No empathy or kindness at all.

OP I hope you've got some support? Sending you huge digital hugs & thoughts, that's a lot for one person to deal with over so few years 💐

I remember being asked (told) to remove "the body" as soon as possible. While I understand most care homes don't have the facilities to keep deceased residents on their premises, a little compassion and appropriate language would have gone a long way.

I have had this happen twice where I was the only person 'available' to organise parents passing and funeral arrangements.

Siblings were truly hopeless and lived abroad..

In the cold light of day they cannot leave bodies for relatives to arrive. Often people dont know what to do, who to call, how much a funeral costs etc.. The reason I am saying this is that a relative was actually abroad when their Father passed. They asked the home to keep the body until they were back from holiday with their reasoning being he wasnt alive so it wouldnt make any difference. They also wanted to say goodbye at the place he was living rather than in a funeral home. In that case I think its safe to say they were cluleless!

My Father had a funeral plan so that was easy and he died in hospital.

My Mum was in a care home and died early morning and they called me. I already had the funeral director I wanted to use and I called them. They were there quickly. They are used to middle of the night calls, Christmas Day calls. They were dressed extremely smartly and it was a Bank Holiday. Her death wasnt unexpected but my sister ran out of charge apparently when I tried to call her so she was one of the last to know. As I said hopeless and actually quite happy for others to resolve.

Of course its fine after the event to say didnt you do this or that. Its all new to most of us so unless you do some research in advance why would you know the ins and outs. A good FD is very very useful and can guide you and do all the running around with a clear head. They also give you some time to decide where you want that person buried unless you know already.

I am so sorry for your loss. The nursing home should have arranged for your dear mum being taken into the care of the undertakers that you named. This is what happened when my DH died in a hospice: they looked after him until our funeral directors took him into their care.
I think it is usual for the nursing home to ask you for the name of a funeral director but not to hassle you for immediate removal - that's awful. They presumably have accommodation for deceased residents while arrangements are made.
Worth complaining if you can bear to, I think.

So sorry OP.
My Mum died in a care home, I was with her when she died, it was mid morning. To be honest I don’t remember anything about who first called the undertaker, I think possibly the home did that. We knew Mum was dying so it wasn’t out of the blue.
Certainly I didn’t feel hugely rushed on the day. I went home after a while and the staff in the home laid her out before the undertaker arrived, apparently this is something they like to do. I did collect her things fairly quickly but it was several days not hours, they were nice about it.
I think the need of a speedy undertaker is partly because care homes tend to be hot places, and they have nowhere to keep a body cool . My Mum was collected that afternoon, so she died at about 11, and she had been collected and taken to the funeral parlour by three, I do remember that.
It does sound as though they are being quite insensitive, but the body needing to be collected quickly is normal.
My next door neighbour died at home, a friend was with her, and her body was also collected within two or three hours.

I appreciate it seems brutal but I think it is common practice to move bodies out of nursing homes as quickly as possible. It some ways it helps minimise the potential for destressing situations for other residents/visitors/staff. It is not dissimilar to a hospital. It is not easy though when it your loved one - so sorry for your loses.

I have had two relatives die in nursing homes, one late at night and one during the night. In neither case were we subjected to such a rush. We were able to visit in the morning, funeral directors were contacted and arranged collection by midday.

Obviously you appreciate the need not to hang around, but a few hours would surely not make that much difference. Surely it's possible to move swiftly without making grieving families feel so harried.

Im very sorry for your loss OP, and that you have had such an unpleasant start to your grieving process.

We got a call in the night that my father wasn’t great, by the time we got there he’d passed away. They left us with him for a time then came back with a form and questions. The main one being who was our undertaker to come and remove him now overnight. We hadn’t planned for this and were sat there in the room next to my father’s body frantically googling undertakers. It was an unpleasant part of the process but it sounds very common.

It’s definitely something that could be sensitively planned for in advance by care homes gently discussing this with families when someone is EOL.

It does seem like unseemly haste, for sure. I also think it must be very difficult for any friends she might have had in the care home, who will wake up this morning and find their friend is not only dead, but has been whisked away in the middle of the night, never to be seen again.

Dad died in a care home and it wasn't like this.

He died in the night and I went in to see him.

When I left, I said I would arrange for the FD to come and collect him, I called them as soon as they were open and they collected him within four hours of the call.

At no point was it rushed or upsetting so you have had a bad rap OP sorry and I'm sorry for your losses.

That sounds brutal, I’m so sorry.
I was there when DM died in her care home (97, advanced Alzh.) and certainly don’t remember any ‘indecent haste’ - the staff were very kind,

I had assumed that they preferred undertakers to come while most residents (all with dementia) were asleep, or at least not wandering about to witness a body being taken away. I used to think my DM must have seen at least one such, since she was a ‘wanderer’ at all hours, and went through a phase of telling me, ‘They kill people here!’ and it was very difficult to soothe her.

Well I sat with my friend in a very warm nursing home for 4hrs and witnessed it with my very eyes. Why keep someone until morning when funeral directors are on call 24-7 for this very reason.

I am sorry for both losses, not surprised you are bewildered.

I've no experience of this, many elderly people die in hospital so there is less rush, I do sort of understand that a nursing home does not have the facilities for keeping bodies too long which may explain it. It should have been said to you in a sensitive manner with explanation given.

However your mother in law has been collected so that bit is over.

Regarding her bowel cancer not being properly investigated, many elderly people have that or other forms of cancer and nobody knows about it until post mortem. Cancers grow slowly in old age and as long as there are no unpleasant symptoms, it is usually considered best to leave well alone. Sometimes investigations and treatment at that stage are more unpleasant than the illness and death is hastened. That happened to my cousin who had bowel cancer. An aunt of mine was found to have had lung cancer on post mortem but she hadn't experienced much in the way of symptoms so was not investigated and died of age related things. Please try and put that out of your mind now, your mother in law is at peace.

As far as her personal effects are concerned, I see no reason why they cannot all be put in a box and posted to you. It's unfair to expect you to go there if it's a long journey. Perhaps ask what the personal effects are, you are hardly likely to want nightclothes, cardigans and the like but bits of jewellery, watch, clock, letters etc could easily be parcelled. However they may not do that sort of thing but do ask.

It seems you are dealing with most of this on your own. It will pass and then you must look after yourself, build yourself up and pamper a bit for a while so you can move on and live your life well.

Good luck.

That’s the bit that was missing for the OP - the advanced discussion about arrangements in the event of death.

What the OP is describing may be “normal” for many but that doesn’t make it right or acceptable.

Having processes to discuss arrangements for the point of admission should be standard and it isn’t a shortage of money thing either, its just very poor organisation. Its completely unreasonable to expect a bereaved relative to find a funeral director in another area in the middle of the night which is exactly why it should all have been discussed with options on record at the point of admission.

I’m so sorry for your losses OP and that you have so much on your plate; it’s really hard and sad.

I’m sure the home could have handled it more sensitively and supported you more, possibly by asking the question about undertakers in advance. But I do think it makes sense for them to arrange collection of the body as soon as they can; it’s distressing for the staff and residents too and there is nowhere a body can be safely and respectfully kept, which there is at a funeral home. When a close relative of ours died at home we called the undertaker very quickly
for his body to be collected; anyone who wanted to see him again could do so there rather than at our house. So I don’t think it was wrong to ask you about this at the time they called to advise you that she had died; but I am really sorry they hadn’t prepared you for it or introduced it sensitively when they called you.

Please take care of yourself.

I think it's normal, for hygiene and morale reasons. Care homes are very warm and don't have facilities for storing remains. It might also be upsetting for staff, other residents or their family members to know that their client/friend is lying in the next room/along the corridor. That being said, it doesn't sound as ithe home communicated well. They should have prepared your family for this.

My mum was in care and died 18 months ago . About two months before she died the manager told me (very kindly and tactfully) something I had already suspected, that although they couldn't make a prediction as to when, Mum didn't have long left to live and I should be 'putting things in order'.

I went straight from that meeting to a local funeral parlour and made arrangements and passed the details to the care home. When Mum eventually died I was 5000 miles and several time zones away but the plans kicked in and the home and the funeral directors handled things beautifully between them. I was very grateful to them.

Wishing you well today @MistressoftheDarkSide
Myself and a friend both had ill parents and I made a point of telling her the things I found most bizarre which really helped me process it and consequently she was a bit more prepared.
My dad, expectedly died at home 2am, and they had shuffled him out by 4am. I think I was expecting something I'd only actually seen in movies - peacefully lying there while family visited.

Everything else is taken at a slower pace now. And it does get easier, you can take time to decide what and when.
I found telling the first person hard, then I got a bit of a script going. I also found all the professionals involved in death events - medical, carers, funeral arrangements even down to booking catering amazing. Death seems to bring out a patience and support in strangers acting for you.

Best wishes to you in these sad days.