I don't know what to say, it's taken so long to read your messages but most of them are very much appreciated. Although some of your advice is hard to swallow, I already feel less stressed out about the situation somehow, and a little more clear and confident in my situation. Even the opposite viewpoint has helped me see more clearly. And even the deliberately mean ones are illuminating in some way.
There's no way I can address everything, but I did read everything. Thanks especially to those who've been most supportive in the thread, you know who you are.
One thing I'm more clear on, as picked up on by a number of you, is that I'm not an actual hoarder. So apologies for causing confusion on that front. I am a bit messy and don't get round to sorting through junk for a while. If I was single my house would be much messier, but nothing even approaching an actual hoarder's house.
Apart from my study, the house has no real clutter at all. A single piece of paper on the dinner table or a window sill for even a couple of hours would be in the line of fire to be thrown away, or at least to be queried "What's this?" as if a poo had been left there.
I've realised too that my comment about clutter in the bedroom has mislead a lot of people, and I think others are correct, I have been too influenced by DH in calling myself a hoarder and saying I have clutter in the bedroom. It's not clutter, it's just more stuff than he has on his side (which is nothing) and something I'm very aware is more than he's comfortable with. I'm not posting a photo. But what I have out on my side of the bedroom outside wardrobes are some of the clothes I've been wearing the last 2-3 days (about six items), skin cream, five bits of paper, five reading books, four pairs of shoes. Every few days I'll clear that to nothing and take the bits of paper to the study. All the actual clutter I have is in the study.
Admittedly they don't see the study, but most people can hardly believe how tidy our house is considering the children.
I did find a clutter chart as someone suggested:
hoardingdisordersuk.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/clutter-image-ratings.pdf
Number 1 in each case is way more cluttered than any room in our house apart from the study. It's hard to put a figure on the study because the chart doesn't have offices, but it's maybe something like this picture here:
commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Master_Mechanics_Office.jpg
Which is admittedly messy. But it's nowhere near floor to ceiling.
I should also say, I lived here first, it used to be messy throughout and over time it's become tidier and tidier. I've probably thrown out 90%+ of my possessions, not just junk but things that meant something to me that he saw as junk. Previously he would bring up "we need to throw this", and for lots of things I resisted initially but he wore me down.
Now I have one room where I have everything that's left. It's also where I work. I do need to tidy it. The room is far messier because none of the stuff can be safely kept anywhere else in the house.
So the slow creep is not out of the study into the rest of the house, the slow creep is the creep of extreme minimalism spreading towards me. The study used to be my space but he's increasingly seeing it as the next thing to 'sort', and there's no acknowledgement whatsoever for the sacrificies I've made up to now.
To clarify, the item that had a rip in it was not a sock, but a piece of art that I had bought on holidays years ago, it was fine even with a rip and didn't need to be thrown out. The socks were separate and not in any way broken or unwearable, I assume he just didn't like those ones in particular. Clothes with holes I will throw out myself, and receipts I'm not keeping. In the past he has got rid of kitchen utensils because we weren't using them enough, a coffee table, I haven't been able to take a really lovely piece of furniture I loved after a relative passed away. Alos for many of the things he has thrown away he will deny having done it at all, or just say he can't remember etc and gets annoyed that I'm asking about them and 'starting an argument'.
If I put a lock on the study he would become very suspicious of me that I'm doing something bad behind his back. I don't think he'd be able to handle it.
Just to be clear there's no physical abuse or threats of.
That aside, I am afraid of him yes. I'm not sure what exactly I'm afraid of. I take on board everything you've said above about his behaviour, appreciating that you have only me as an unreliable narrator. But I'm not dismissing the advice, contrary to the impression I might have given higher up, I'm thinking on it and I appreciatate it.