Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH throwing out my things

605 replies

fa556 · 28/05/2025 23:20

DH is a minimalist to the extreme, he has very little in terms of 'things'. Naturally I'm the opposite, a hoarder. Over the years I've conceded ground and downsized a LOT to pacify him, although it's probably fair to say that I still have too much stuff and it's also a bit messy and cluttered. Having kids has obviously brought more stuff to the house generally, but my own "stuff" is contained, with most of the house being tidy and (from my perspective at least) quite minimalist as he likes it. The "stuff" is in our bedroom (my side) to some extent, but mostly in my study which only I use.
In response to my compromises, instead of compromising too he seems to be going the other way. I'm increasingly finding my stuff in the bin, or things have just disappeared. I'm not talking about my most prized possessions, but they are things that I have bought, with my own money, for myself, that are on my side of the bedroom or in my study. I've always known not to leave things lying around in the kitchen or lounge or whatever for this reason, but it's like he's encroaching more and more on what I'd consider limited private spaces. To be fair, a lot of them are not big stuff. But even if it's just a receipt, it might be for some things I had meant to return or where I was going to claim something back as an expense. But to him, he's right and I'm wrong.
Even if it's actually something that is completely unimportant and doesn't matter to me, I still feel in principle that he shouldn't be throwing out my things from my study without checking or at the very least telling me. Am I being unreasonable?
When I pick him up on something specific, the response is always about the actual thing in question "what were you going to do with it anyway / it had a rip in it / you said yourself you have too many socks". Where for me, it's about the principle of it being up to me what to do with my own things. He says my clutter affects him as he lives here too, but he increasingly seems to be looking for it beyond surface level (while he is extremely private about his own things).
His 'need' to get rid of things also extends to perishable goods. So I might buy an expensive condiment (where he won't spend a penny more than he has to on anything), or I'll get a bottle of Baileys as a present from someone, he'll use them up as fast as he can, I'm talking days, not really 'enjoying' them as far as I can see, but just to get them out of the house. And inside I feel "hey they are my nice things", but am I just being selfish?
The other side is that I probably do have too much stuff and too much emotional attachment to 'things'. And gifts I receive like the Baileys could be in the cupboard for weeks/months otherwise. He says they're there to be used. Should I just give in?
At the moment I'm not giving in, at least not in my head, it's a huge source of frustration for me. But any effort to put a boundary in place on this, as with anything else really, is met with a bullheaded wall of stubborness ("I'm not agreeing to that"). I basically have to let it go time and again. But it's making me very anxious, what will be gone next?

OP posts:
avignon1234 · 28/05/2025 23:58

I think there might be a compromise to be had here. Get a large box, put it somewhere that isn't bothering anyone, and anything of yours that he feels is impinging on his need to be minimalist, he can throw it in the box. Periodically, you will look through the box and you will maybe throw it yourself, or sort it properly. There's a bit of give and take here. Ultimately, he should not be throwing out your things without permission, similarly you should not be filling the house with "things" (and I have lived with a hoarder so know the difficulty of them keeping things that "might be useful in future" only never to be able to find them as the house is full of things that are currently not useful - but of course they might be in future). If he cannot cope with "the box" then you have to ask whether the behaviour is controlling. Hope this helps x

WombatHouse · 28/05/2025 23:57

I'd be going absolutely ape shit at him and make it clear in no uncertain terms that if he throws away a single thing of yours again (even if it's just a receipt) you will make sure that some of his most prized possessions will be going the same way until he learns to stop touching your stuff.

VoltaireMittyDream · 28/05/2025 23:57

I grew up with a with hoarder. It was awful. The food hoarding was particularly disgusting - my dad was always insisting we were throwing away perfectly good food that he’d only just got - but he’d got it 12 years ago. He had several fridges and freezers full of antique seafood he insisted he was going to use one day, and we lived in fear that he would. We got food poisoning a lot. It was grim and scary and awful.

If you’re getting worked up about your DH throwing away your ripped socks and receipts I reckon things are pretty bad.

ETA my dad was always telling people we were uptight, controlling, wasteful neat-freaks who got rid of his precious things (e.g. mouldering lobster claws dating back to 1972, one of his seven enormous fish tanks full of seashells and bottle caps that rendered the dining table unusable). He filled my parents’ bedroom full of suitcases he never unpacked, stacks and stacks of books and newspapers dating back decades, random shit he compulsively accumulated at junk shops.

The whole thing about hoarding is the hoarder has no tense of how extreme it is, and everyone else has less and less and less space to live in.

Pallisers · 28/05/2025 23:55

If you have to back down from him because of a definite colossal reaction then this relationship will not work. Sorry OP but if he has no compromise in him then you accept you live by his rules in his way for the next 20 years - or you decide if you want to split.

Your children are absorbing all of this. It isn't good.

ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine · 28/05/2025 23:54

fa556 · 28/05/2025 23:44

Thanks for the support. But if I did that, the response would be colossal. Either something related but much more extreme like throwing out ALL of my somethings, or it would be something seeminly unrelated but very negative and destructive, maybe telling his family I'm not able to go with them on the extended family holiday this year or something like that. Any reaction from me to anything gets a tenfold reaction back, the only option really is to back down.

Show quote history

If this is true, your relationship is incredibly unhealthy, he is abusive, and you need to find a way to leave.

Original poster
fa556 · 28/05/2025 23:54

saraclara · 28/05/2025 23:40

But any effort to put a boundary in place on this, as with anything else really, is met with a bullheaded wall of stubborness ("I'm not agreeing to that")

To which you reply "and I'm not agreeing to you disposing of my property without asking"

Then he would probably not say anything back at all, like I hadn't said anything. And we would both know even then that he would be ignoring what I said in practice too.

Thanks everyone for your support and advice.

OP posts:
HouseAshamed · 28/05/2025 23:53

Start decluttering by binning the DH.

FrodoBiggins · 28/05/2025 23:53

He's being an arse imo.

OP i am not trying to say this to show off or make you feel bad but he sounds both very similar and very different to my DP. I am like you I think (not an actual hoarder as some have suggested but definitely hoard-ish lol. I do get a bit anxious about throwing anything away, and I find I attach memories to objects very readily.

My DP is naturally v tidy and minimalist. He would have us have two plates and extra for guests only in storage lol. His exclusive areas are haven like. Mine are... not.

We've just moved house and even though I know he would love to have chucked some of my stuff away (I'm taking jumpers i haven't worn in a decade, a train ticket from a nice day out in 2010...) he has been super patient with making it clear we're tackling it together, I don't have to chuck anything, I only want to do it in short bursts, and he never throws anything out without my permission. And to reiterate I'm a nightmare, I get attached to jam lol.

Btw what sort of stuff did he throw out?

In conclusion, I would be very tempted to chuck him out.

WaverleyOwl · 28/05/2025 23:53

I'm naturally someone who wants to keep clutter to a minimum. It stresses me out to have to deal with the clutter of my husband and my children.

I do not arbitrarily chuck their stuff out. That is unacceptable.

saraclara · 28/05/2025 23:49

fa556 · 28/05/2025 23:47

Thanks, relationship is pretty similar/bad generally to be honest. I feel a big need to try to make it work but it's very hard. I'm not without my own faults either obviously.

Show quote history

You have children. 'Making it work' is a) impossible. He lacks the flexibility to play his part. And b) it sends your children so the wrong signals. They are watching and listening to the way he treats you. And that will influence who they grow up to be and how they see you.

BogRollBOGOF · 28/05/2025 23:49

You are not compatible and he doesn't respect you and your things.

Original poster
fa556 · 28/05/2025 23:49

Shoemadlady · 28/05/2025 23:33

You sound like a hoarder. If that’s the case I think you’re underestimating how bad it is and maybe he’s at breaking point. Maybe you can’t even see how bad it is? I couldn’t live with a hoarder either to be fair.

Appreciate the other viewpoint. I am a hoarder naturally yes and the study is a mess. But outside of the study the house is objectively clutter-free especially considering the young children living here.

OP posts:
BusyMum47 · 28/05/2025 23:49

fa556 · 28/05/2025 23:44

Thanks for the support. But if I did that, the response would be colossal. Either something related but much more extreme like throwing out ALL of my somethings, or it would be something seeminly unrelated but very negative and destructive, maybe telling his family I'm not able to go with them on the extended family holiday this year or something like that. Any reaction from me to anything gets a tenfold reaction back, the only option really is to back down.

Show quote history

@fa556

⬆️ This is really concerning. It sounds as though you're in a coercive controlling relationship! If you don't just back down (again!) he'll do something 'back' to you, 10 times worse??

BMW6 · 28/05/2025 23:48

How about putting up some photos so we can see if there's really a problem?

Original poster
fa556 · 28/05/2025 23:47

DelphiniumBlue · 28/05/2025 23:32

I'd find that very disrespectful. Your stuff is not his stuff, he has no right to do that.
So in your position I'd be going ballistic every time it happened, make a huge fuss, and if it continues, chuck out some things of his, see how he likes it. But really, he's saying that you don't matter, what you think doesn't matter, that he has every right to dispose of your possessions as he sees fit. What's your relationship like apart form this?

Thanks, relationship is pretty similar/bad generally to be honest. I feel a big need to try to make it work but it's very hard. I'm not without my own faults either obviously.

OP posts:
Lackinginspiration1 · 28/05/2025 23:46

That’s abuse. You deserve to be loved and respected by your partner- he clearly does neither

saraclara · 28/05/2025 23:46

fa556 · 28/05/2025 23:44

Thanks for the support. But if I did that, the response would be colossal. Either something related but much more extreme like throwing out ALL of my somethings, or it would be something seeminly unrelated but very negative and destructive, maybe telling his family I'm not able to go with them on the extended family holiday this year or something like that. Any reaction from me to anything gets a tenfold reaction back, the only option really is to back down.

Show quote history

You need to leave him. This isn't just about minimalism vs attachment to items. He's controlling and vindictive.

Original poster
fa556 · 28/05/2025 23:44

Pallisers · 28/05/2025 23:29

Pick something from his minimalist life that you know he likes and uses and throw it out. You don't actually have to throw it out but remove it and tell him you threw it out because you thought that was what you were doing now - policing belongings in each other's private spaces.

Keep doing this until he gets the (very simple) message. He sounds like an arse.

Thanks for the support. But if I did that, the response would be colossal. Either something related but much more extreme like throwing out ALL of my somethings, or it would be something seeminly unrelated but very negative and destructive, maybe telling his family I'm not able to go with them on the extended family holiday this year or something like that. Any reaction from me to anything gets a tenfold reaction back, the only option really is to back down.

OP posts:
Devianinc · 28/05/2025 23:44

No one has the right to throw things away that are yours. It’s not his decision on what you want or don’t want. He’s a not being very nice. I’d be very angry.

Enrichetta · 28/05/2025 23:42

Shoemadlady · 28/05/2025 23:33

You sound like a hoarder. If that’s the case I think you’re underestimating how bad it is and maybe he’s at breaking point. Maybe you can’t even see how bad it is? I couldn’t live with a hoarder either to be fair.

That’s the impression I got reading the OP……. coupled with her anxiety it suggests that counselling might be a good idea?

saraclara · 28/05/2025 23:40

But any effort to put a boundary in place on this, as with anything else really, is met with a bullheaded wall of stubborness ("I'm not agreeing to that")

To which you reply "and I'm not agreeing to you disposing of my property without asking"

Gymnopedie · 28/05/2025 23:37

But it's making me very anxious, what will be gone next?

Well there's a reasonable argument for saying - him.

You've made a lot of compromises but all it's done is make him think he's entitled to more.

Seriously I think it's time to look at separating and each living in a way that suits you.

Franchisingentrepreneur · 28/05/2025 23:37

Pallisers · 28/05/2025 23:29

Pick something from his minimalist life that you know he likes and uses and throw it out. You don't actually have to throw it out but remove it and tell him you threw it out because you thought that was what you were doing now - policing belongings in each other's private spaces.

Keep doing this until he gets the (very simple) message. He sounds like an arse.

This with fucking bells on.

Shoemadlady · 28/05/2025 23:33

You sound like a hoarder. If that’s the case I think you’re underestimating how bad it is and maybe he’s at breaking point. Maybe you can’t even see how bad it is? I couldn’t live with a hoarder either to be fair.

DelphiniumBlue · 28/05/2025 23:32

I'd find that very disrespectful. Your stuff is not his stuff, he has no right to do that.
So in your position I'd be going ballistic every time it happened, make a huge fuss, and if it continues, chuck out some things of his, see how he likes it. But really, he's saying that you don't matter, what you think doesn't matter, that he has every right to dispose of your possessions as he sees fit. What's your relationship like apart form this?