DH throwing out my things

You’re missing the point. And where are you getting the idea that she’s eating old jam?

It's not explicit from what OP says; but even if you were minded to keep every receipt for everything you bought for a year - just in case stuff went wrong and needed to be returned - it wouldn't actually take up very much space.

“Oh my goodness - actual stuff! How horrid!”

Why though? The jumpers and the train ticket, not to mention the jam? Unworn jumpers are pointless, store the ticket in a scrap book or memory box. Old jam? Botulism can kill you. My house is far from perfect but this would drive me insane.

He's not throwing away things of sentimental value or of use though. He's throwing out ripped clothes and waste paper. To be fair to OP, she has responded proportionately to that.

If OP were to pretend to throw out something of his, then his reaction would be that of someone who had been deprived of something useful or that they love - because that's all he keeps.

OP does sound in danger of being a hoarder - we all like to think of ourselves as being the kind of person who returns purchases that don't fit, or that repairs clothing. Most of us manage to recognise we aren't that person.

It not as though DH looked through OP's filing system, or rooted through her mending basket to find these things - which would be inappropriate.

The solution may be built in cupbards on OP's side of the bedroom and one side of the office (if OP doesn't want to lock it). All the clutter goes in there, and DH can't see it. What he cannot see doesn't hurt him. If he finds 'clutter' somewhere, he can put it in the cupboards.

If those cupboards get filled and begin to overflow - then OP may have to admit she has a problem. If DH is unable to keep out (except for putting things in), then he is the one with the problem.

@nominative I completely agree 😞 like I say I don't usually post, but I do sympathise with OPs DH, it's honestly a genuine disorder for us.

For me, it's like pissing against the wind and trying to stay dry, constantly putting away everyone's belongings.

But maybe I've just lost my marbles, apparently Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result 🤪

Are you really a hoarder or is that what he’s led you to believe?

If he is genuinely unable to cope rationally and negotiate over an amount of daily stuff within a normal range, if it makes him so anxious he loses the ability to behave reasonably, then he indeed is the one with a psychological problem.

The behaviour over the baileys does sound a bit as though he has a variety of OCD.

HOWEVER if he was genuinely distressed by co-habiting with OP the fair and rational response would be to seek help eg counselling to ease his distress, or perhaps joint counselling with OP.

However distressing he find OPs many wearable socks, this is NO EXCUSE FOR BEING ABUSIVE.

If he is distressed he needs help.

Him being abusive to OP is not a recognised treatment for anxiety. It's abuse.

I understand that OP won't want to say this to him because of his likely nasty reaction but -surely he'd be happier in a place of his own? Or - would he be miserable without someone to control....

There are different definitions of hoarder. When I think of hoarders I normally think of those people where you can’t get into rooms because of the amount of stuff piled up. You don’t seem to fit this description.

Some people keep stuff, others don’t. Does he call you a hoarder? Keeping a bottle of drink or condiments for more than a few days is not being a hoarder, that is normal. Trying to use it up in a few days is not normal.

If you have receipts to claim expenses etc, they need to be kept

Throwing other people’s stuff away is not normal unless you have agreed that is okay. So when doing the laundry if I notice massive hole in someone’s socks I would throw them away (knowing everyone has supply of socks). I wouldn’t just throw socks away because I think they have too many. If they don’t fit in drawers I may recommend a sort out. If a larger item of clothing has a hole in it, then a discussion would be had to see if worth mending or getting rid of.

Other than the baileys everything OP has described as her DH throwing away is rubbish.

If she needs to keep ripped clothes and old receipts they should be in her study not the communal areas.

If saw a ripped sock in the communal
area I’d chuck it out. And if saw DH putting it away I’d tell him to stop being silly and put it in the bin

This is really unhealthy, can you not see that?

If a friend told you they'd accidentally thrown out a book or pair of socks belonging to their dh and their dh responded by binning everything they owned how would you react?

Or if you bumped into an acquaintance at the shop and said "oh hey Jane, I thought you lot were on holiday, I saw your dp's photos online with your kids" and she said "oh yeah, I was supposed to go but I accidentally threw out dp's t shirt so he told his family I was working and couldn't come."

You'd think wtf, that's abuse, right?

What if one of your kids' partners did this to them when they are older? You realise you're conditioning them to think this is a normal way to behave, which makes it more likely they will end up in an abusive relationship?

He was indeed very unhinged. Very nice chap, but with a lot of issues.

I’m a million miles off a tidy freak but I don’t want to be called unreasonable for not wanting to live amongst old socks and receipts lying around.

Op this man sounds like a lunatic

I’d seriously consider chucking him out

Only it does if you look at the examples of what he’s throwing out.

He is abusive. This isn't a normal reaction.

DH and I have a bit of a mis-match. I will just throw stuff out on a whim, he's far more sentimental. But I don't throw his stuff out (I'll move it together, put it in a box, pop it all in his office etc). I also don't throw anything out that's expensive (or not easily replaced) without checking with him first. This is just simple respect.

Personally, I'd be leaving this relationship.

You sound like me, I have hoarding tendencies but ironically I find it very difficult to live with other people’s clutter so I can see both sides of this! I find it very difficult to rationalise stuff, deciding priorities, everything seems equally important, is this you?

I keep communal areas very tidy because that’s how I prefer to live and for DH to play ball I need to practice what I preach, but I do make full use of any hidden storage, ottoman bed, floor to ceiling wardrobes etc. I find IKEA zipped storage and shoe bags invaluable for storing random stuff.

Your DH sounds very controlling and this not on, but there isn’t really a compromise where
tidiness is concerned. To a tidy person any clutter is intolerable. I think you may just be incompatible.

That's not OK by your dh. You need autonomy over your things and possessions, plus that sounds like an incredibly anxious way of living.

I'm definitely on the minimalist side of things and my dh is not, so even if it's a holey pair of socks, I always check if I can get rid of something. Does he do this with the kids' stuff?

Er he needs to stop this right now.

This is totally unacceptable.

I’d give him fair warning and go top grade ballistic if he does it again.

For future reference you need to hold your boundaries, compromise has to be from both sides.

Start putting his trainers and pants in the bin and see how he reacts.

He’d go mad at me. I had a half used bottle of wine in the fridge from Christmas to about April just sitting there. I had no intention of drinking it but just let it stay there as I’d use it for cooking. I did eventually use it to cook with (amazingly wasn’t even vinegary, it tasted fine). I would have been very annoyed if someone had just taken it upon themselves to throw it out.

OP literally says in the second sentence “I’m a hoarder”.

Admitting to yourself that you have a tendency to struggle with throwing possessions away and working on that is a world away from a diagnosed mental health condition.

OP like some other pp I'm also getting the impression that the situation might be more extreme than you're letting on.

My DH isn't exactly a hoarder but he loves his computers, refuses to give up anything computer/technology related. We have had arguments before because he just piles things around the house. He would probably describe it as 'just leaving a couple of computer parts lying around for a bit' whereas the reality was that until I put my foot down there was always an entire fucking computer that he was 'working on' taking up our dining table or cluttering up our living room. I never want him to give up what makes him happy but on the same note our shared space is exactly that. Our agreement now is that computer parts etc stay in our office room and are organised into storage boxes.

I don't think many people would enjoy manky bits of paper or clothes cluttering up their sleeping space in all honesty.... Sorry if I missed something but is there no way you can earmark a bedroom drawer for these things so they're at least out of sight? Or a box in your clutter spare room? Is the alcohol really being guzzled in days? Again my DH might tell people I throw away perfectly good alcohol as we have tonnes of the stuff (get it gifted but hardly ever drink) Reality is I'm chucking beer that's 3 years OOD!

DH shouldn't be touching your stuff but wanting your living space to be decluttered enough to enjoy isn't unreasonable either

This.

clearly the stuff isn’t only in the study as it’s embracing too space dh can throw them away.

how old are the special condiments and food gifts.

It's a development of the matter being discussed - as most threads usually turn out.

Is it really such a stretch on a discussion like this one to be considering the mindset of somebody who cannot bear anything around? After all, there are plenty of people on this thread who are assuming that OP is drowning in a sea of junk and are responding accordingly, when nothing she has said suggests that.