DH throwing out my things

"Alos for many of the things he has thrown away he will deny having done it at all, or just say he can't remember etc and gets annoyed that I'm asking about them and 'starting an argument'.
If I put a lock on the study he would become very suspicious of me that I'm doing something bad behind his back. I don't think he'd be able to handle it."

Man this reminds me so much of my ex. As well as refusing to compromise, ever, and as well as it always being me who was the problem if I voiced something I was unhappy about, he was also full of completely irrational and unfounded suspicion that I would be cheating on him any chance I got, despite me never having given him any reason to think that.

@fa556 , I don't want to be one of those people who always jumps to "ltb", but... just think of the freedom and happiness you will feel if you left him to go and live on your own, where YOU are in charge of your space, YOU get to keep the artwork you like, you don't have to worry about which of your belongings might disappear next, and - most importantly - to not have to live in fear of someone in your own house!!

Sadly I most surely feel the lovely original commenter's partner, also seems Immensely controlling
Of course I don't know him, but this type of, taking control, over someone else's decisions & Sentimental Items, Belongings etc, reminds me so much of someone I knew whom's narcissistic
I do feel they might use, some excuse to mask, conceal, their desire to control others - Ultimately I believe someone whom can snoop through others personal precious items & stoop so low to actually dispose of them, are in a nutshell, just pure & simple, selfish 😥🙏

My bil was like that with his ex, I remember her complaining about it, he was constantly throwing things out or leaving his charitable donations in my mil house to dispose of, she doesn’t even drive so it would always end up being me who had to take them to the charity shop 🙄 they are no longer together, he was a control freak

when I read your original post though, my first thought was that he has other things going on and this is a symptom of how he’s coping

YEP
Find a small contained box for him maybe and bury it 6ft deep under the patio

in my own house? Fuck that

Big hugs. In my experience grumpy cranky controlling people very rarely improve, they get worse, become more entitled and righteous.
If he accepted he has a problem and was willing to go to therapy, it would be different, but he won't take responsibility.

OP I am so sorry you are going through this. This thread does not make easy reading!

Like PPS I live with someone who has different ideas from me about the retention and storage of stuff. I might:

• nag him (why is there a pack of squirrel meat in the freezer FFS!)
• ask him to move it (eg that paperwork left on the kitchen counter)
• or even move it myself (anything left on my piano)

but I would NEVER throw something away without asking him first.

But what I want to pick up on it this : "And maybe I'm more at fault than I can see or say"
A relationship is not a balance sheet. You don't have to balance out his bad behaviours against your (perceived) faults. The question to ask yourself is "is this relationship so good in other ways that I can put up with this bad thing?".
Reading your posts I suspect the answer is NO.

Thanks for the update OP. I quite understand how someone can wear you down describing you as a hoarder when you are not, it's like calling you a slob, or a dirty slut, it's abusive. I had sort of the opposite, my now ex truly was a hoarder, and not a tidy one. He would them describe me as the hoarder to deflect blame from him. Whatever reason, it is pretty abusive
I've attended freedom programme sessions, and none of us would deny that violence is horrible. But also most of us felt that coercive control, emotional abuse, is bad too, it is mental violence
I've known people who haven't quite got over their parents throwing their stuff out when they weren't there, perhaps on a school trip or holiday with grandma. One person found a loaf of her schoolwork gone that she still needed.
I think women in your situation have to think about what might happen as the children grow up. Will their school model that they are proud of and spent time making go in the bin. What about medals for dancing or sports, certificates, Lego models. Food too, instead of being able to eat their Easter eggs over a few weeks they have to hobble them down so they don't get eaten by someone else, will half a birthday cake left downstairs in a cake tin to be enjoyed over the next couple of days be there the next morning, or eaten or this out because it is clutter
I can see that being unable to keep their things safe could. Well. Lead. To actual. Hoarding as that child. Grows. Up

It seems very clear to me that your H is obsessive not minimalist.

He is the one with the issues, not you.

You are cowed into accepting his unreasonable behaviour and have been for a long time.

I have just reread all your posts. You sound afraid and unhappy, on edge all the time. This is no way to live your life, and isn't good for your children either. Unless your husband is prepared to accept there's a problem and work with you, there's not really a happy future for your relationship. I hung on to my first marriage, thinking I should make it work, for far longer than I should. The relief when I finally ended it was absolutely liberating, and despite the sadness of the breakup it was joyous to be myself again.
It seems a huge challenge, but it sounds as if you'd really be better away.

What I would hate is the constant stress of worrying what would be raided next. What possession that you value would be in the bin without asking.. It must be a constant adreline run and have you on tenterhooks...

Yes, indeed - you'd never be able to relax in your own home.

It must be like being a zookeeper, where every day you go into cages and feed the lions and tigers, knowing that they could potentially turn at any moment and rip your body to shreds.

The big differences being that you can leave the cage and relax once feeding time is over - and you know that they're just animals acting on instinct and they don't know any better. Unlike a selfish human who knows exactly what he's doing and has deliberately chosen to prioritise his own desires and needs over yours.

My heart goes out to you & I wholeheartedly have much compassionate empathy & relate to the cruel, unfair treatment your husband is subjecting you to
Do you feel there would be dire consequences if you stood up to him & emphasised how most of your sentimental items are in your own unique office /study room & you're the one one whom uses it, therefore it affects no one!
He's got no right throwing your items & he must be really controlling to even contemplate doing so
Marriage & Relationships are all about compromise & he doesn't seem to be compromising or even considerate, just controlling
My father is a very controlling male too & oftentimes I think they do this type of thing just to show whom's boss
To have the upper hand
I'm Praying You Will Soon Feel Secure To Stand Up To Him & Stand Your Ground - Set Some Boundaries
Wishing You & Your Children All The Utmost Very Best

What a sad story. So glad your mum left. Hope you’re ok now 🌺

One of my lovely DSD has a husband like yours ; a controlling bully who allows no mess whatsoever. He used to throw out the DC’s toys if they were left in the living room .
It got so bad that we now have boxes of her stuff ( not clutter just personal possessions) in our attic for safekeeping.

He has no right to bin your things, even receipts, without first asking you.
On the other hand, some people are really affected by any sort of clutter or mess. I understand you keep the majority in your own areas in the house but maybe he can still see it? Can you store the things you don’t use elsewhere, in the attic or garage? Or some other storage place? Then you still have your stuff if you ever need it but it won’t be causing him internal stress?
However him throwing away your stuff is inexcusable, no matter how the clutter makes him feel.

Does it have to be a drastic change? It seems to me you need a conversation about boundaries and mutual respect, and you need to make it clear that he simply does not get to throw away your belongings without consulting you - any more than you would throw away his stuff arbitrarily.

Oh gosh, this is hard to read, and you questioning whether you’re exaggerating is very natural in a controlling and coercive relationship. His veiled threats and undertone of fear; you fawning as a very real response; him throwing your things out. Please reach out to a really good counsellor and see if you can get some face to face sessions without his knowledge. Confide in your GP (if it’s a good one!). Research coercive and controlling behaviour and narcissistic abuse. Gather evidence. Stay emotionally and physically safe. Your experiences sound very similar to mine. You’ll find the best solution for you and your children with the right support.

Like.. her own office. In her house. That he goes into and removes items from to throw away.

Try and have a really contained area for your stuff. For example cupboards, drawers, a bureau desk that closes, a door that shuts. Boxes.
And then after that he really can't say anything.

He doesn't deserve you.
He is not willing to change his ways.
You'd be much happier away from him.

PyongyangKipperbang
I agree, everyone's entitled to some space of their own. No way should anyone be moving or throwing away her things.

He sounds like a right prick tbh, OP @fa556
I’d dump him

I have posted before but felt I had to say if you feel frightened of him you have to begin to make a plan for a life without him in it. He sounds abusive. It's like he's trying to erase you from your own home.

my partner is a hoarder. I believe childhood trauma is the route. But I find it difficult.I grew up with OCD tidiness, so the clutter can feel overwhelming. But I think it may be damaging to try to insist on removing items hoarded. I’m not sure what the answer is, but I suspect professional counselling may assist.

I would never dream of throwing away my OH possessions unless I happen to see a holey sock or whatever.

And defo nothing in his office. There’s just no need. It’s his problem.