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AIBU?

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Original poster

Professional Ex vs SAHM

162 replies

TheFirstSeaMonster · 28/05/2025 21:22

Ex wants 50/50 custody which is fine although with his working pattern it’s more likely to be 60/40. 2 children. I am a SAHM and I’ll be returning to work in the autumn.

Ex has been very calm (too calm!) since I ended our marriage. He wasn’t happy that I’ll be classed as the primary carer and I’ll be getting UC but I would end up in poverty without it and I am the primary carer. Ex husband earns £47000 per year - I’m getting UC plus carers allowance for one child. He keeps saying “as long as we don’t screw each other over” everything will be ok.

He thinks he won’t have to pay CM as we will be 50/50. He wants to keep our child’s mobility car and pay me a part of his mobility payment(not all) and I would get the carers (high rate) DLA.
He seems to think he won’t pay me anything? He feels like he’s been screwed over already as he won’t be on the UC claim anymore and isn’t classed as the primary carer.
Seeking advice please. I want us to remain friendly and civil but I also don’t want to be “screwed over” nor do I want to leave ex broke…

on the CM calculator I am entitled to something (£450 per month)

How does 50/50 custody work if one parent earns a decent wage and the other is a carer?

Sorry not AIBU but seeking advice thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFirstSeaMonster · 28/05/2025 22:12

Renabrook · 28/05/2025 22:07

If you have 50/50 why would he give you money?

Just querying as he’s a high earner and I’m a carer. Probably likely to be 60/40 with our youngest and 50/50 with teen.

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 28/05/2025 22:11

Renabrook · 28/05/2025 22:07

If you have 50/50 why would he give you money?

It doesnt sound like it will be.

op, get him to be very specific with the 50/50. and seek advice about the rest.

Original poster
TheFirstSeaMonster · 28/05/2025 22:08

WinSomeandLoseSome · 28/05/2025 22:03

Surely your child should have access to the car 100% of the time??

Show quote history

Even when we were together ex worked long shifts and used the car to get to work etc. you are allowed apparently to use a mobility car for work purposes if it benefits the person you are caring for

OP posts:
Renabrook · 28/05/2025 22:07

If you have 50/50 why would he give you money?

Original poster
TheFirstSeaMonster · 28/05/2025 22:06

WinSomeandLoseSome · 28/05/2025 22:03

Surely your child should have access to the car 100% of the time??

Show quote history

I don’t drive and ex would be using the car to get to work, I would pay for taxis and busses for our son. If ex had a week off he would help to transport our son to respite or any hospital appointments etc. It’s a complicated one.

OP posts:
WinSomeandLoseSome · 28/05/2025 22:03

TheFirstSeaMonster · 28/05/2025 21:37

Our child will have access to the mobility car 50% of the time or 40% possibly. Is it fair for me to claim the carers element and ex to keep the car and pay me an allowance for mobility? It’s complex.

Surely your child should have access to the car 100% of the time??

Original poster
TheFirstSeaMonster · 28/05/2025 21:37

Our child will have access to the mobility car 50% of the time or 40% possibly. Is it fair for me to claim the carers element and ex to keep the car and pay me an allowance for mobility? It’s complex.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheFirstSeaMonster · 28/05/2025 21:34

JLou08 · 28/05/2025 21:30

If he is unhappy that he isn't on the UC claim could he be asking for 50/50 custody to try and change benefits over to his name?

I hope not! Im the one who claims child benefit and gets carers allowance as the primary carer. Ex works very long shifts and I just don’t see how he could be the primary carer? It will always be me that looks after them more than ex. If he did put in a claim and get it it would push me into poverty. I don’t think he would do that - it’s more about the CM and DLA.

OP posts:
JLou08 · 28/05/2025 21:30

If he is unhappy that he isn't on the UC claim could he be asking for 50/50 custody to try and change benefits over to his name?

Original poster
TheFirstSeaMonster · 28/05/2025 21:30

Zanatdy · 28/05/2025 21:28

Well it won’t be 50-50 so he should pay maintenance yes if it’s 60-40. £450 seems a lot, assume that’s not based on it being 60-40? If genuinely 50-50 then no maintenance is paid. Is the DLA in his name? Assume your child still needs access to the car so makes sense to keep that. Is he asking to keep 50% of what remains? I guess that is ok if he is caring for the child 50%, but also assume DLA should in theory be spent on the DC, not towards his household costs.

The DLA is in my name.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 28/05/2025 21:28

Well it won’t be 50-50 so he should pay maintenance yes if it’s 60-40. £450 seems a lot, assume that’s not based on it being 60-40? If genuinely 50-50 then no maintenance is paid. Is the DLA in his name? Assume your child still needs access to the car so makes sense to keep that. Is he asking to keep 50% of what remains? I guess that is ok if he is caring for the child 50%, but also assume DLA should in theory be spent on the DC, not towards his household costs.

Springadorable · 28/05/2025 21:24

He's right in the sense that if you have 50/50 custody he won't be paying you CMS. But practically there's always a shortfall so you'd hope he would contribute something...