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Original poster

Professional Ex vs SAHM

162 replies

TheFirstSeaMonster · 28/05/2025 21:22

Ex wants 50/50 custody which is fine although with his working pattern it’s more likely to be 60/40. 2 children. I am a SAHM and I’ll be returning to work in the autumn.

Ex has been very calm (too calm!) since I ended our marriage. He wasn’t happy that I’ll be classed as the primary carer and I’ll be getting UC but I would end up in poverty without it and I am the primary carer. Ex husband earns £47000 per year - I’m getting UC plus carers allowance for one child. He keeps saying “as long as we don’t screw each other over” everything will be ok.

He thinks he won’t have to pay CM as we will be 50/50. He wants to keep our child’s mobility car and pay me a part of his mobility payment(not all) and I would get the carers (high rate) DLA.
He seems to think he won’t pay me anything? He feels like he’s been screwed over already as he won’t be on the UC claim anymore and isn’t classed as the primary carer.
Seeking advice please. I want us to remain friendly and civil but I also don’t want to be “screwed over” nor do I want to leave ex broke…

on the CM calculator I am entitled to something (£450 per month)

How does 50/50 custody work if one parent earns a decent wage and the other is a carer?

Sorry not AIBU but seeking advice thanks

OP posts:
x2boys · 29/05/2025 14:16

SomethingInnocuousForNow · 29/05/2025 14:11

He needs to change his perspective from "go after me for CM" to "pay the maintenance required to support the children I fathered".

Are you ignoring the fact he has them 50% of the time?

SomethingInnocuousForNow · 29/05/2025 14:11

He needs to change his perspective from "go after me for CM" to "pay the maintenance required to support the children I fathered".

x2boys · 29/05/2025 14:10

TheFirstSeaMonster · 29/05/2025 14:07

That’s what I’m posting about, I’m trying to figure out what is fair with regards to the DLA. Trying to work out what is fair for both of us.

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If he has the child 50% of the time technically really he should also get access to the DLA as its the child's money

Mix56 · 29/05/2025 14:09

He can say he’s primary carer till the cows come home, but he's not, he never has been.

nomas · 29/05/2025 14:09

TheFirstSeaMonster · 29/05/2025 13:57

Update - thanks for all your advice. I’ll definitely seek legal advice about this. Ex continues to say that we should sort everything out between ourselves. He is now saying he wants to go for primary carer and UC for our teenager. He is talking about picking up our children at 8.30pm from mine for the extra overnights. He is also stating over and over - “ you won’t go after me for child maintenance will you?” “Promise me you won’t go after me for CM” He already pays for a child he’s never met (now a teenager) he’s basically saying that he already pays for one child, he can’t afford to pay for any more etc.

Do not agree to this!

8.30pm is too late, he is trying to game the system.

And please apply for CM.

x2boys · 29/05/2025 14:07

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/05/2025 14:03

The mobility component of your child's DLA is not to facilitate a non resident parent's journey to work.

I'd be inclined to end the lease and receive the money instead, so you can access taxis and the like when necessary.

It's not for funding an adequately paid male's lifestyle.

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It's 50/50
Nobody seems to be asking if the Op is sharing the DLA as it's also supposed to benefit the child 100% of the child

Original poster
TheFirstSeaMonster · 29/05/2025 14:07

x2boys · 29/05/2025 14:02

Will you share the DLA ?

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That’s what I’m posting about, I’m trying to figure out what is fair with regards to the DLA. Trying to work out what is fair for both of us.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/05/2025 14:03

TheFirstSeaMonster · 28/05/2025 21:37

Our child will have access to the mobility car 50% of the time or 40% possibly. Is it fair for me to claim the carers element and ex to keep the car and pay me an allowance for mobility? It’s complex.

The mobility component of your child's DLA is not to facilitate a non resident parent's journey to work.

I'd be inclined to end the lease and receive the money instead, so you can access taxis and the like when necessary.

It's not for funding an adequately paid male's lifestyle.

x2boys · 29/05/2025 14:02

TheFirstSeaMonster · 29/05/2025 13:59

Well I obviously wouldn’t keep the car and not drive it, it would go back and be exchanged for the mobility payment instead.

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Will you share the DLA ?

Original poster
TheFirstSeaMonster · 29/05/2025 13:59

NaiceBalonz · 29/05/2025 13:58

It sounds like you're the one trying to screw someone over to be honest.

You don't drive so the car shouldn't be anywhere near you, for one.

Well I obviously wouldn’t keep the car and not drive it, it would go back and be exchanged for the mobility payment instead.

OP posts:
NaiceBalonz · 29/05/2025 13:58

It sounds like you're the one trying to screw someone over to be honest.

You don't drive so the car shouldn't be anywhere near you, for one.

Original poster
TheFirstSeaMonster · 29/05/2025 13:57

Update - thanks for all your advice. I’ll definitely seek legal advice about this. Ex continues to say that we should sort everything out between ourselves. He is now saying he wants to go for primary carer and UC for our teenager. He is talking about picking up our children at 8.30pm from mine for the extra overnights. He is also stating over and over - “ you won’t go after me for child maintenance will you?” “Promise me you won’t go after me for CM” He already pays for a child he’s never met (now a teenager) he’s basically saying that he already pays for one child, he can’t afford to pay for any more etc.

OP posts:
x2boys · 29/05/2025 13:47

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 28/05/2025 23:04

The car needs to go back and you receive the money/allowance for public transport instead. I’ve not heard of anyone being allowed to use the mobile car for work, it is not available for your dc ! Which is sort of the whole point.

Clearly you know nothing about how the scheme works, it's to benefit the disabled child so using it to go to work benefits the disabled child as it keeps them fed and a roof over there head ,mobility also expect you to use it as a family car ,the disabled child doesn't need to be in the car at all times.

x2boys · 29/05/2025 13:43

Yellowpingu · 29/05/2025 08:25

I’d phone the Motability helpline for advice on the car. I have a Motability vehicle and yes, my husband can use it to go to work or to go shopping for family groceries but he shouldn’t use it to go for a haircut or to go fishing, for example, as I don’t directly benefit from that. Not sure how it is with a child who cannot drive and it’s the only vehicle in the family. Personally I think they’ll tell you to hand the car back and receive the mobility element payments instead. If you do end up with a 60/40 split then you deduct the 40% from any maintenance you receive. Your husband should get his own vehicle and be responsible for everything that Motability covers.

You can use it as the family car ,mobility expect you too.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 29/05/2025 13:42

The no maintenance in case of 50/50 is a bit of a misnomer. Where there is a high discrepancy in earning it CAN still be required and it sounds like you would qualify.

You need legal advice especially regarding the motability element. If the child awarded is is with you 60% of the time and you are paying for taxis then the child is not benefiting for the car and therefore your ex no longer meets the requirements. You should return the car and the payments should be used to facilitate taxis and buses that benefit the child getting to appointments.

x2boys · 29/05/2025 13:41

Agix · 29/05/2025 05:50

He's not allowed to use the car to get to work. The mobility car is for the child's use only, for you to be able to drive the child. If the child is not in the car, or will be soon ime driving somewhere to pick the kid up you shouldn't be using it. It's not your exes car, it's not even your car. It's only for the child. If this is found out, you'd both get in big trouble.

If its not practical for the car to be kept at wherever the child is 100% of the time, because you don't drive maybe, then you need to give back the car and get the money.

Yes he is we have a mobility car for my son my husband drives to and from work in it daily,mobility know this and even provided and psid ,taxis for him to get to and from work when the car was in the garage a few weeks ago ,

x2boys · 29/05/2025 13:37

TheFirstSeaMonster · 28/05/2025 22:12

Just querying as he’s a high earner and I’m a carer. Probably likely to be 60/40 with our youngest and 50/50 with teen.

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Assuming you get High rate DLA you will also get quite a significant UC payment I know this as i have a child on DLa HRC and HRM my dh works but will still get UC and it's not an insignificant amount ,you
Like for like if your dh earns
Your ex is on a reasonable wage but it's not huge I wonder what the overall disparity in the two monthly incomes are I'm betting it's not massive.

Shouldbedoing · 29/05/2025 13:28

You MUST get legal advice

tripleginandtonic · 29/05/2025 10:15

WinSomeandLoseSome · 28/05/2025 22:03

Surely your child should have access to the car 100% of the time??

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This.

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 29/05/2025 09:57

Your ex using the mobility car to get to work doesn't meet the criteria of being in the best interests of the disabled child. You could argue this if, for example, your ex was using the car to take your DC to school every day on his way to work but just hopping in the car and going to work definitely doesn't cut it.

Using it inappropriately can invalidate the insurance too. BTW, I'm a qualified CAB adviser and manager. I'd definitely advise the car goes back as you, the primary carer, can't drive.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/05/2025 09:53

Please see a solicitor

I don't think a 50 50 split is realistic

It sounds like your child needs a carer rather than a parent that can work full time, and that complicates things

If the cms says £300 a month then that's what it says

CloudyPortal · 29/05/2025 09:50

FedupofArsenalgame · 29/05/2025 09:06

But the OP doesn't drive so not much point having the car

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If he has the DC 50% then of course there's a point to it. That's like saying that if he didnt drive and she did there would be no point to it.
It's there for emergencies if they can't get a taxi, it also allows the DC to go longer distance and have proper days out without being restrained to using a taxi when available or affordable.
The better option for DC would be for OP to learn to drive. Any child's life is improved by parents driving, but especially a child with a disability who can't get around as easily. Longer term it will completely change his life if OP can drive and is planning on continuing being his carer as long as possible.

IButtleSir · 29/05/2025 09:47

CloudyPortal · 28/05/2025 22:22

Logically whoever has DC needs the car, so the sensible thing would be to have 1 normal car which you are both insured on, and switch the mobility car at handover for the regular car. So whoever has DC has the mobility car and the regular car goes to the parent who doesn't have the DC.

OP can't drive.

hedgerunner · 29/05/2025 09:39

You both need to hand the car back and take the money instead. He can get his own car.
work out a schedule for the next month and see if 50:50 can really work. If it does it will give you a lot of free time to work outside the home.
I agree 47k is not a high earner and you may bring in more on benefits if you claim the housing element plus DLA and carers.

RandomMess · 29/05/2025 09:24

You may only rent but presumably you have pensions to consider?