Page 4 | Aibu to be upset about the decision my parent has made?

Inheritancesucks · 2025-05-28T19:25:19+00:00

Name change for this. One of my dps died a couple of years ago. The other was left with 2 pensions and a house from the deceased parent. The remaining parent was concerned they couldn't afford to remain in the house which was in very poor repair. The remaining parent has therefore decided to let 1 of the (4) dc move in (with their partner and 2 young dc) and added them to the mortgage so they could get a loan out against the house in order to add a granny flat so they can stay there and the dc and their family live in the original house. All of this was decided and signed off before the remaining parent told me about it. Is it wrong that I am upset by this? Is it grabby to be upset that my remaining parent has signed the house over to 1 sibling and essentially provided for them and their family but left me, my kids, and the other siblings out completely? I'm trying really hard to move on from this, but finding it next to impossible. Im trying to tell myself that the remaining parent just wanted stability, and not that it is a reflection on how they feel about me or my other siblings. Happy to be told I need to get myself together and remaining parent can do whatever they like and don't owe me anything (which i do know). Could you move on from it? In the interests of openness, the dc who is moving into the house is the only 1 who lived less than a couple of hours away from them.

BrieHugger · 28/05/2025 23:57

I think you four siblings need to sit down and lay all the cards on the table asap.

I love my brother in law dearly but would still raise an eyebrow at him becoming joint owner of my mother’s house. It’s a weird thing not to discuss as a family, and I wonder if there’s some resentment from your sister and her husband, that they’ve done the lions share of the caring and visiting.

Original poster

Inheritancesucks · 28/05/2025 23:50

Gardengirl108 · 28/05/2025 23:45

Has the granny annex been built yet or is your parent sleeping on a sofa bed in the actual house on a temporary basis? This doesn’t sound sustainable (or comfortable for someone in poor health).

It's been built: there is a bathroom, kitchen and living/bedroom area. In my opinion it's barely suitable now, let alone in 5/10 years time.

OP posts:

Gardengirl108 · 28/05/2025 23:45

Has the granny annex been built yet or is your parent sleeping on a sofa bed in the actual house on a temporary basis? This doesn’t sound sustainable (or comfortable for someone in poor health).

Original poster

Inheritancesucks · 28/05/2025 23:43

Beautifulspringsunshine · 28/05/2025 22:44

It seems really suspicious that your parent didn't discuss this with you, especially as you are close and talk often, it’s like it was kept from you on purpose so you couldn't intervene. Do you have concerns your siblings partner has coerced your parent ?they sound quite vulnerable.

I think (and hope) it is more a case of not thinking the decision through past the near future. The surviving parent does not have a plan for anything other than their current situation (what happens when their health deteriorates/how future care will be arranged and or funded etc). I think the surviving parent and sibling are just hoping it will work out, rather than actually preparing for the future. This is completely the opposite of my personality so I find it very hard to understand and accept.

OP posts:

Gardengirl108 · 28/05/2025 23:38

ThriveIn2025 · 28/05/2025 22:16

They won’t have to buy out the OP as there is no will so the property will pass in its entirety to the other mortgagee (in all likelihood).

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Depends if the parent and the partner are registered as joint tenants or tenants in common.

Original poster

Inheritancesucks · 28/05/2025 23:38

Hwi · 28/05/2025 23:19

We don't get the full picture - the sibling who moved in with his family and will now benefit - is it the same sibling who looked after the parent who died? Taking them to dialysis regularly? Looking after them? Lending them money? Driving them to and from hospital and giving your surviving parent some respite? Is it maybe the case other siblings distanced themselves and offered zero help? Was the benefiting sibling disproportionately (compared to other siblings) contributing to the quality of life of the parents? My friend lives in the US, her two siblings bore the brunt of her parents ill health and care in the last 7 years. It was relentless. My friend does not expect to inherit a penny because all the hassle and disruption fell to her siblings, who will benefit. The distance is to blame. And fairness.

The parent who died was cared for by the other parent and outside carers. As far as I am aware they never had to take them anywhere, transport was provided for all hospital appointments. They did provide moral support for the surviving parent, and some transport to and from hospital in the last week but other than that the surviving parent made their own way to and from hospital for visits. They never lent parents money, but have borrowed it from them. Towards the end one other sibling stayed to help with the dying parent, but essentially they died quicker than had been expected and actually didn't need to be there for care. Sibling who will benefit did most of the arranging of the funeral.
I am not against the sibling having more after the surviving parent dies, but I am concerned that the arrangement they now have leaves the surviving parent essentially with nothing. Though someone may be able to correct me on that legally (hopefully).

OP posts:

Hwi · 28/05/2025 23:19

We don't get the full picture - the sibling who moved in with his family and will now benefit - is it the same sibling who looked after the parent who died? Taking them to dialysis regularly? Looking after them? Lending them money? Driving them to and from hospital and giving your surviving parent some respite? Is it maybe the case other siblings distanced themselves and offered zero help? Was the benefiting sibling disproportionately (compared to other siblings) contributing to the quality of life of the parents? My friend lives in the US, her two siblings bore the brunt of her parents ill health and care in the last 7 years. It was relentless. My friend does not expect to inherit a penny because all the hassle and disruption fell to her siblings, who will benefit. The distance is to blame. And fairness.

StScholastica · 28/05/2025 23:06

My DM did this and moved in with my DSis and her family. Genuinely, I was pleased that it worked out for them. Mum lived happily there for 20years and sister got a 5 bed house out of it.

I do think there are some implications re deprivation of assets that you need to be careful if but overall it was a good solution.
I loved my Mum deeply, I love my Sister just as much. Love is more important than money.

Dont fall out with them OP. Your Mum has set you free in a way, it will be your bro looking after her in her old age now.

Aussierose2 · 28/05/2025 22:48

Yes OP personally I think it should all be discussed as a family and agreed upon that's how I will do it with my kids. It's okay to be upset about not getting a life changing amount of money in the future. My mum did a similar thing with my sister and it doesn't feel good at all. All you can do is make sure you don't do the same to your kids.

Tbrh · 28/05/2025 22:45

Inheritancesucks · 28/05/2025 22:17

In some ways I completely understand that they have taken what they saw as the easiest option at the time. I don't think they have thought it through in a long term sense. (Parent or child). I cannot see that the parent will be able to stay in the accommodation long term and i think they have left themselves financially unable to support themselves in the future.
I don't know how much care the sibling will be able to provide given they have a young family of their own, and they have been financially unreliable in the past so are unlikely to be able to support in that way. The parent won't answer these questions and prefers to see asking them as an insult to the sibling instead of actually facing what it may mean for their future. I'm unsure whether they genuinely don't know or care what they have done or just don't want to talk about it.

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They probably feel they have no options which is very sad and are just hoping for the best

LemondrizzleShark · 28/05/2025 22:45

DFIL did something very similar (except he doesn’t even live there anymore more, he moved out to live with his GF). Enabled SIL and BIL to retire in their 40s (mortgage free, rent out their previous property) while we will still be paying our mortgage off into our 60s.

Caused such a big rift that DH and SIL are essentially no longer speaking - to be fair, things mostly went downhill due to SIL endlessly crowing about it, but if FIL hadn’t handed her a free house the issue would never have arisen.

Stoufer · 28/05/2025 22:44

@Inheritancesucks
I think there is a lot of potential for things to go wrong here. Many years ago, an elderly relative put all the equity from their previous house into the new house that their daughter and husband were buying, as the elderly relative was going to live there. A few years passed, and the daughter died unexpectedly. The husband said the elderly relative had to move out, and that they were not entitled to any money back. So the elderly relative was left homeless and penniless. I imagine this is not a common scenario, but situations do sometimes arise where you assume someone will ‘do the right thing’ - but they might not.

Beautifulspringsunshine · 28/05/2025 22:44

It seems really suspicious that your parent didn't discuss this with you, especially as you are close and talk often, it’s like it was kept from you on purpose so you couldn't intervene. Do you have concerns your siblings partner has coerced your parent ?they sound quite vulnerable.

Morningsleepin · 28/05/2025 22:25

You say your parent is in the habit of sticking their head in the sand and I imagine that that is why did not consult with their other children, too many potential problems. I say as someone who also hopes problems will go away if I ignore them

Original poster

Inheritancesucks · 28/05/2025 22:22

yeesh · 28/05/2025 22:19

So they’re not even married? Your mum has disinherited all four of you, the partner will end up owning the entire house without a will and at least half with a will. Your mum has been really daft and very shortsighted.

They are engaged and due to marry this year.

OP posts:

yeesh · 28/05/2025 22:19

So they’re not even married? Your mum has disinherited all four of you, the partner will end up owning the entire house without a will and at least half with a will. Your mum has been really daft and very shortsighted.

Original poster

Inheritancesucks · 28/05/2025 22:18

Pandasandelephants · 28/05/2025 22:04

who is taking care of the (presumably) elderly parent now and who is expected to do the lion share of lifting if the patent needs a lot of help? I assume it won't be you or the other 2 siblings who aren't local but this commitment will fall into the lap of the sibling who moved in? if so, I would say it's fair and square.

Currently parent is able to look after themselves, (though not fit or healthy and unable to work) and provides small amounts of childcare for the sibling.

OP posts:

user7638490 · 28/05/2025 22:17

My dp made a very similar plan with my sibling. My dp died less than a year later and unfortunately along with the other dreadful things my sibling did, we are all now estranged. It’s a really tough thing to get past, and I am very sorry for you. It’s not grabby and it has told you something uncomfortable about your family relationships.

Original poster

Inheritancesucks · 28/05/2025 22:17

Tbrh · 28/05/2025 21:52

Your parents is probably feeling vulnerable as they age and doing what is best for them. I'd be thrilled of one of my siblings was doing this so I didn't have to worry about my elderly parent being on their own. Would you be wiling to look after them as they age? Fair enough if you're uneasy if you don't trust your sibling.

In some ways I completely understand that they have taken what they saw as the easiest option at the time. I don't think they have thought it through in a long term sense. (Parent or child). I cannot see that the parent will be able to stay in the accommodation long term and i think they have left themselves financially unable to support themselves in the future.
I don't know how much care the sibling will be able to provide given they have a young family of their own, and they have been financially unreliable in the past so are unlikely to be able to support in that way. The parent won't answer these questions and prefers to see asking them as an insult to the sibling instead of actually facing what it may mean for their future. I'm unsure whether they genuinely don't know or care what they have done or just don't want to talk about it.

OP posts:

ThriveIn2025 · 28/05/2025 22:16

Sauvin · 28/05/2025 22:07

I don’t think it’s that great for your sibling. They’re paying a mortgage on half a house that’s in poor repair and have an elderly person on the premises that they will have to care for. And they might have to buy you and your siblings out if they want to stay after your parents’s death.

They won’t have to buy out the OP as there is no will so the property will pass in its entirety to the other mortgagee (in all likelihood).

viques · 28/05/2025 22:15

Inheritancesucks · 28/05/2025 20:48

No, nothing was discussed with me or my other siblings until it was all signed.
I asked my parent about a will and what happens if they need the security of the house to fund care as they age, they don't have one. I begged them to speak with someone and they refused. I will try and broach the question of who is on the deeds, but this parent has a habit of burying their head in the sand and probably won't even know what they have signed.

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And then you wonder why they didn’t tell you about the plan! I think your parent knows that they would have been given an exhausting interrogation and weeks of roundabout argument discussion if it had been raised with you beforehand. I understand that you are miffed, but if it keeps your parent where they want to be , in a well maintained house fit for purpose, with close by support then I think those are the positives you should focus on.

ParmaVioletTea · 28/05/2025 22:15

Inheritancesucks · 28/05/2025 20:48

No, nothing was discussed with me or my other siblings until it was all signed.
I asked my parent about a will and what happens if they need the security of the house to fund care as they age, they don't have one. I begged them to speak with someone and they refused. I will try and broach the question of who is on the deeds, but this parent has a habit of burying their head in the sand and probably won't even know what they have signed.

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Gosh, your parent has let themselves in for a very precarious financial situation. Very precarious. No wonder you're worried.

ThriveIn2025 · 28/05/2025 22:14

Yes I would be pissed off. All feels a bit sneaky from the sibling. If it was all good, why was it hidden?

If your parent needs care, couldn’t this be seen as deprivation of assets? Not your problem I suppose.

Octavia64 · 28/05/2025 22:10

OP,

this is really quite likely to backfire on both your parent and the sibling that has taken on the house.

if your parent needs care in future, then if this had not happened they would understand normal circumstances have sold their house to pay for the care home.

if they need to go into a care home in future, and have no assets other than the house, the local authority (who are the people who pay if someone has no assets) can look back and see if someone has deliberately given away money or other assets that could have been used to pay. This is called “deprivation of assets”.

so most elderly people don’t give their homes away because otherwise they wind up in a situation where they need a care home, the state refuses to pay and they don’t legally own their home any more.

it’s also a problem with inheritance tax - again, the authorities are wise to this one and if a parent gifts their house to a child or other person but keeps living there then it’s treated for tax purposes as if the gift never happened.

https://www.ukpropertyaccountants.co.uk/gift-with-reservation-of-benefit/

so…. Your mum has given your sibling a poisoned chalice.

on her death the house will be treated as if she never gave it or part of it to your sibling/sibling’s partner and tax will be due.

I’m not a lawyer so I don’t know if it still counts as part of her estate and subject to her will or not.

either way I’d be running very quickly from this situation. I see what she is trying to do. It won’t work and it’s going to backfire messily.

All You Need to Know About Gift with Reservation of Benefit

Learn how to use Gift with Reservation of Benefit to transfer assets to the next generation avoiding the Inheritance Tax.

https://www.ukpropertyaccountants.co.uk/gift-with-reservation-of-benefit/

Sauvin · 28/05/2025 22:07

I don’t think it’s that great for your sibling. They’re paying a mortgage on half a house that’s in poor repair and have an elderly person on the premises that they will have to care for. And they might have to buy you and your siblings out if they want to stay after your parents’s death.