Aibu to be upset about the decision my parent has made?

Agree, the siblings should have been transparent even if DM didn't want to.

Elderly abuse is on the rise and like most abuse, it's usually the people close to the victim.

If i was your DS OP, I would want everything accounted for, to avoid any future accusations.

Getting her DP on the mortgage is a recipe for disaster.

I don't agree it's not your mess to fix though, she is still your DM and together with the other siblings, you can try and help her.

Even if DS and her partner are true to their word and help look after her, would they be in a position to sell if she need the funds for an Old people's home?

If they were genuine, I think they would have been transparent.

It’s really sad that they didn’t discuss it with you first. That is a weird dynamic.

to be honest you are probably better off out of it. Your sibling and fiancé will end up doing a lot of boring care for your parent and are in a very bad situation if their relationship ends. I wouldn’t want to be in their shoes. Try to rise above it and stay well out of it for your own benefit

The problem is as you say no wider family discussion and this is what causes the wider family fall out. No idea why people do this tbh.

I live closer to my DM than my sister and do lots for her
No way would I think that entitled me to any more of her assets

Same

When did this all happen? You can buy an online copy of the deeds from hm land registry (to check who is named on the deeds) for a few pounds (make sure you go through the actual HM land registry (ie website finishes in gov.uk) site, as third party companies will also do it for you but it is usually £25 + (a complete rip off). However, it can take a few months for it all to be updated on land registry, so you may need to buy the deeds a few times until it has changed, but at approx £3 a go, it is not that expensive.

If your parent truly does not know whose name is on the deeds, that would be a massive red flag for me - did they get legal advice? Have they been misled?

You say it is not your problem, but if your parent is homeless / penniless / not eligible for social care a few years down the line, would you really be able to just say ‘not my problem’? I would really struggle to turn a parent away in those circumstances.

Why do you think this? You have absolutely no way of knowing this! Sibling’s partner being on the mortgage is really sus, especially if sibling not married (which it sounds like).

I’d be upset too OP - I wonder how this idea was “sold” to your DP 🤔

Wasn't money raised by the mortgage?

Has the house been signed over or has the sister and her fiance raised a mortgage to buy a share in the house and the money spent on the house. A solicitor has almost certainly been involved and should have advised.

Sounds to me as if your parent has been sold a great plan when she was vulnerable.
It is 100% in your siblings partners interests NOT to marry your sibling.
The house has been signed over to him.
The additional works will benefit him.

Marrying your sibling in not in his interests now that he is on the deeds.

I would contact Age Action UK for advice.

This was not in your mothers best interests and the secrecy is testimony to that.

The big if in this particular case would appear to be IF the daughter cares for the mother, for life, as recompense for the assets/house being handed over and in these circumstances, where there appears to be no legal advice, no seeking of expert guidance, no safety measures put in place and no will, no guarantee whatever that is what will happen.

OP - I strongly disagree with other posters that you're being grabby. Your entirely rational views and your obvious concern at this whole hole-in-the-corner scenario does you credit. Good luck.

The parent can still be on the Deeds even if not on the mortgage, in fact the OP's sibling could also be on the Deeds, but ideally the OP needs to get a copy of them, and see for herself what the score is, if her parent or DS won't tell her.

In your shoes OP, I think I would get together with your remaining siblings, and all go to your parent's home, and insist on discussing what has occurred, and why you weren't told about it in advance. I would also want to know, how the sibling who has effectively bought 50% of the property - assuming your parent is still on the Deeds, plans on dealing with it, when/if your parent needs to go into a care home, as they will have to find enough money to give your parent half the cost of the house, and of course the Council could end up looking at it all as 'deprivation of assets', in which case they could all find themselves in VERY hot water.

I agree @Phoenix1Arisen, the Mum has made herself v. financially vulnerable and as I said upthread, I don’t like the fact that none of the other siblings were aware of this decision until it was done and dusted. It def. suggests that the sibling didn’t want them asking any difficult questions.

I hope it works out well for the Mum, but one of friends is currently dealing with a difficult situation- her sister and family moved in with her Mum to “take care of her” and have been using Mum’s money to pay the family’s bills, everything from food to clothes shopping for her and her teenagers. Unfortunately, the Mum is now showing signs of dementia and can’t remember what she agreed to. Thousands have already been spent.
So the OP and her other siblings need to keep a sharp eye on this situation and ensure that their Mum is OK.

This way she has company on hand, she is not downsizing out of the area.
Believe me it won't be a walk in the park for Dsis either, looking after an aging parent is difficult.
I would ensure that DM got a fair deal but that would be it.

You need to find out who is on the deeds - is it just your sister’s partner? As surely if your parent was also on the deeds then they would also be named on the mortgage - which sounds unlikely. If your parent isn’t on the deeds, then they have given their house away to this partner. You should find out what legal advice was given, and what the legal / financial / tax and care implications are. You should find out if anything can be done to protect your parent, as this is potentially a complete disaster waiting to happen… Was there coercion? Is it possible to challenge this legally?

I posted upthread, about the elderly relative who was left homeless and penniless after her daughter died and the son-in-law refused to give her the money back that had been put into the house. The elderly relative went to live with her son and his family (the only remaining family that the elderly relative had). It wasn’t easy - it was a small house and the three children had to share a bedroom for many years to allow a bedroom for the elderly relative. This was the 1970s, and there were no other options.

I suspect it would be different now. But in your case I suspect there would be a big issue re: deprivation of assets if your dp needed a care home, if they have essentially given their house away.

If it was me, I would try to get to the bottom of this now (working out what would be the outcome on a number of different scenarios), and try to find out what measures / protections have been put in place re: your dp’s assets and financial security in the long term. This is more important that considerations of inheritance imo. Tbh, I don’t think anyone can assume they will get an inheritance, as elderly parents may need care, and that is hugely expensive.

Agree completely.

Being able to help a parent is great but shouldn't be with the expectation of being paid for it.

Just because a siblings isn't able to help, doesn't make them lesser and should have been discussed as a family.
Not about the money, but protecting your mum and making sure she's signed the right documents and not been rushed into the decision.

I get you OP as your parent had been left in a vulnerable position.

If the relationship breaks down between your Dsis & BIL, or between them both and her, she could lose everything.

I was reading about a mum who split her house into two flats and set up her DD & DGD in one. Her DD forced her out and won in court.

I don't believe this is anything to do with inheritance. It's not about pounds, shillings and pence.

In my opinion, the OP's reaction is based upon fear - fear for the mother's (?) well-being, fears for her future care needs, fears for the family relationships in the future.

This situation has financial disaster written all over it for reasons that other posters have already referred to in some depth.

It would be interesting to know if mother took any kind of legal advice and if not, exactly why didn't the daughter (?) urge it, given that the parent is surrendering almost all her assets - surely any reasonable adult would want to see fair play and clarity in operation, especially as the 'other owner' is a free agent who can walk off with the 'booty' at any moment.

My mother had a saying which over my lifetime has proved accurate 99% of the time - when you conceal something, you invite suspicion.

I'm sorry for your trouble, OP, and hope things can be resolved soon with the minimum of upset and difficulty.

N

Nothing to do with leaving money for others. She has now tied herself to this sibling and their family and left herself financially vulnerable. She had a house that she could have sold and downsized and put the spare money into savings or whatever so it was secure for her future needs.

That’s all gone now.

I haven't rtft.
Imo yes, yabu, your mother shouldn't have to stay lonely in a run down house to ensure that she leaves money for others.

This way, she has company, somewhere new to live, close to her DD, granny flats ain't cheap to build. She'll need support as she will age.

I have two aunts that have sold the family home and downsized, the DC are disgusted that their inheritance is being spent, one aunt moved in with her DD giving her 50,000 she'll buy a cabin, she is only 70, the other siblings are livid.

Just because someone is geographically closest doesn’t mean they are emotionally the closest. Nor is 2 hours “far away”.

ain't that the truth - my siblings live a) in the same town and b) an hour by car (which they have) away and i live in another country from our parent.

And yet, because i use all my holiday throughout the year to do this, i have seen my parent more, much much more, than the other siblings over the last 5 years. I make hospital appointments and arrange transport, i book their clubs and associations, and i have sorted out their TV and landline/internet.

The others? one, no idea we haven't spoken for years, just naturally drifted. The other? was given mum's car and lots of furniture. I don't begrudge that because they needed a car and mum really needed to stop driving. But did they even take parent out for lunch as thanks? hahah. no.