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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate DSD sticking stuff to her walls

188 replies

Eriani · 28/05/2025 17:44

DSD is 20, she’s just finishing her second year of uni. She’s living with us and isn’t from the UK (neither is DH). I’ve really struggled to bond with her, she talks to DH in her native language and puts little effort into joining the family as a whole. DH has made it clear I shouldn’t force her.

DSD has a pretty small room, though not a box room, it’s outdated and we told her we’d redecorate it for her. She said she likes that the paint is a little faded and the wall paper is “old fashioned”, we’ve offered new furniture, to carpet it (just floor boards right now, band sanded and varnished). She keeps saying it’s fine as it is, but we did get her a rug and a taller bookshelf.

She has taken up a habit of sticking stuff to the walls, a poster she got from a tourist shop for free that’s a bit tatty, a random vintage tennis racket etc. That’s fine though. My actual issue is one wall is so random, I know it’s not my room, but she has sticky notes with random quotes from books, pages from books ripped out, a letter from her boyfriend etc. Tbh it’s an eyesore and very random and all tapped up with cello tape.

DH thinks it’s fine, she hasn’t asked us to redecorate and it’s how she wants it. I’m almost never in there so it doesn’t impact me, but I do go in and hoover and change her bedding occasionally (she does her own most of the time but sometimes to be nice I do it). Also my kids have recently had their rooms redone so I would never let them do this, I also think it’s quite childish for someone in their 20s.

AIBU to hate this and suggest she finds another way to display this stuff? Or should I just let her do as she wishes?

OP posts:
HiRen · 28/05/2025 18:44

There is no way what you've expressed here is acceptable from a stepmother, or unacceptable from a stepdaughter.

I suspect she speaks to her dad in her mother tongue in order to ensure you don't encroach any further into her life. Snooping around her room and passing judgement on her choice of interior decor is probably enough.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 28/05/2025 18:41

So what if you think it’s an eyesore? It’s her room, so it’s up to her.

Todayisaday · 28/05/2025 18:40

I think you are being totally unreasonable. I also think you are invading her privacy as a young woman. I would feel really uncomfortable with you going in, translating my private notes, questikning me. I think youbare out of order here actually.
I also think her bits and pieces sound sweet and obviously hold a lot of meaning for her.
If you give someone a space to live in your house, they should be comfortable to make it their own. As long as its not a health hazard!!

MzHz · 28/05/2025 18:40

You go in there to “change bedding” and “hoover” to be nice

but you’re trying to tell an adult what to do and how to live?

you’re not ‘being nice’ at all. Let her hoover her own room, change her own sheets and leave her and her room in peace

Youbutterbelieve · 28/05/2025 18:39

You'd have point if she wants Sticking up voodoo dolls of you. But as it is, you sound a bit crazy.

nomas · 28/05/2025 18:38

Eriani · 28/05/2025 18:37

Ofcourse I’ve read and translated them, to be honest I find it quite depressing, things like
“Just keep going, no feeling is final” “Very early in my life, it was too late” “live to the point of tears” (these are the only 3 that I translated and have actually remembered). I’ve asked about them and why they are significant, she just says they are and that’s that.

Show quote history

What on earth are you saying. Why are you being so controlling, they mean something to her and that should be enough.

FishChipsAndVinegarPlease · 28/05/2025 18:38

Please don't prevent her from speaking to her own father in their language.

nomas · 28/05/2025 18:37

Oh OP. She is happy with old wallpaper and paint. So what if she has post it notes on the old paint and wallpaper?

It sounds like you resent her and want to punish her by imposing rules on her.

Please just let her be.

she talks to DH in her native language and puts little effort into joining the family as a whole. DH has made it clear I shouldn’t force her.

How could you force her to join in?

Does she speak fluent English? Of course she wants to speak to her father in her mother tongue. She should maybe talk to him in English if you are in the room.

Original poster
Eriani · 28/05/2025 18:37

RedBeech · 28/05/2025 18:30

Work out why it bothers you. She is expressing herself. You might have a case if you'd spent time and money redecorating and she was ruining new wallpaper or paint, but she has said she likes the old decor.

I think it's interesting that she puts up quotes etc. Maybe read some of them and engage her in chat about why they resonate for her. Don't care more about old wallpaper than making her feel at home. You could offer to buy her a nice cork-board or white board or to paint a panel with blackboard chalk, if she'd like to organise her ideas in that way. But only offer, don't make out that what she is doing annoys you. It so doesn't matter in the long term. But you and her getting along well does matter.

Ofcourse I’ve read and translated them, to be honest I find it quite depressing, things like
“Just keep going, no feeling is final” “Very early in my life, it was too late” “live to the point of tears” (these are the only 3 that I translated and have actually remembered). I’ve asked about them and why they are significant, she just says they are and that’s that.

OP posts:
screwyou · 28/05/2025 18:36

Not a hill I would die on to be honest.

RawBloomers · 28/05/2025 18:36

OP this seems like such an obvious thing you should keep out of I have to wonder what's really going on here. Do you know? Do you wonder why it bothers you so much what a young woman you don't yet know that well puts on her bedroom wall?

As others have said - if you were concerned that she was damaging the walls and it would cost you money down the line, that would be one thing. But you have said you're happy to redecorate so that clearly isn't the issue.

Are you, perhaps, subconsciously looking for a way to make her feel your power? So she knows it's your house?

Or is this something where you think you have a great eye and you could bond with her by giving her tips on how to make it look great and then she'll like you more?

Are you feeling a loss of control having her move in and this is a way to try and reassert it? Or a concern that your own kids will try and copy and, since their rooms have been redecorated, that will cause damage?

I think trying to work out why this bothers you so much would be a good idea. It may help you with your relationship with your DSD.

SteakBakesAndHotTakes · 28/05/2025 18:36

I hope this is a wind-up

IButtleSir · 28/05/2025 18:32

You sound utterly miserable.

lostinthesunshine · 28/05/2025 18:31

Good god, she’s a 20 year old adult. It’s her room. Leave her alone!

It would be different if she were damaging it or causing hygiene issues, but this is literally just about personal taste. Leave her be.

RedBeech · 28/05/2025 18:30

Work out why it bothers you. She is expressing herself. You might have a case if you'd spent time and money redecorating and she was ruining new wallpaper or paint, but she has said she likes the old decor.

I think it's interesting that she puts up quotes etc. Maybe read some of them and engage her in chat about why they resonate for her. Don't care more about old wallpaper than making her feel at home. You could offer to buy her a nice cork-board or white board or to paint a panel with blackboard chalk, if she'd like to organise her ideas in that way. But only offer, don't make out that what she is doing annoys you. It so doesn't matter in the long term. But you and her getting along well does matter.

outerspacepotato · 28/05/2025 18:30

It's really obvious you don't like your stepdaughter.

Let her decorate her room how she wants. It sounds very individualized to her preferences with things that mean something to her and not childish at all.

And forget carpets, they're just allergen dumps.

Are you trying to drive her out? It almost sounds like it.

Maybe you should start learning their language.

Moveoverdarlin · 28/05/2025 18:27

If it had been decorated it would piss me off, but as you describe it as outdated, old fashioned and a bit faded it doesn’t matter does it?

RawBloomers · 28/05/2025 18:27

You want to criticise the way she decorates her bedroom because it's not to your taste? It's no wonder you've found it hard to bond.

lightslittle · 28/05/2025 18:26

I was hoping the post would get better, or there’d be a really issue at hand. Or that you just didn’t want the walls being marked…but to try dictate how stuff should be stuck on the walls is bizarre and shows a deeper issue with the relationship

AnnaBalfour · 28/05/2025 18:24

YABVVVVU and unpleasant.

363838dhdi · 28/05/2025 18:24

I'd let her do it. It sounds like it has pretty minimal impact on you, and it's not like she's damaging new paper or paintwork. For how small an issue it is I really wouldn't create bad feeling over it when your relationship already isn't brilliant.

DancingDucks · 28/05/2025 18:22

Eriani · 28/05/2025 17:44

DSD is 20, she’s just finishing her second year of uni. She’s living with us and isn’t from the UK (neither is DH). I’ve really struggled to bond with her, she talks to DH in her native language and puts little effort into joining the family as a whole. DH has made it clear I shouldn’t force her.

DSD has a pretty small room, though not a box room, it’s outdated and we told her we’d redecorate it for her. She said she likes that the paint is a little faded and the wall paper is “old fashioned”, we’ve offered new furniture, to carpet it (just floor boards right now, band sanded and varnished). She keeps saying it’s fine as it is, but we did get her a rug and a taller bookshelf.

She has taken up a habit of sticking stuff to the walls, a poster she got from a tourist shop for free that’s a bit tatty, a random vintage tennis racket etc. That’s fine though. My actual issue is one wall is so random, I know it’s not my room, but she has sticky notes with random quotes from books, pages from books ripped out, a letter from her boyfriend etc. Tbh it’s an eyesore and very random and all tapped up with cello tape.

DH thinks it’s fine, she hasn’t asked us to redecorate and it’s how she wants it. I’m almost never in there so it doesn’t impact me, but I do go in and hoover and change her bedding occasionally (she does her own most of the time but sometimes to be nice I do it). Also my kids have recently had their rooms redone so I would never let them do this, I also think it’s quite childish for someone in their 20s.

AIBU to hate this and suggest she finds another way to display this stuff? Or should I just let her do as she wishes?

I don't understand this at all. It's her room, providing she's not causing any structural damage, leave her be.

DD's room is covered in posters of Metallica and Megadeath and I can't exactly say that I love it, but it's her room.

I'd have been really upset if my mum and dad hadn't let me put my Adam and the Ants posters on my walls!

Starlight7080 · 28/05/2025 18:21

It sounds very normal for a creative young person. You will just make her feel unwelcome if you mention it.
And you say she can decorate. But I suspect it will only be to your taste or standard.
I also feel sorry for your dc who are not aloud to be creative and have freedom in their own bedrooms. How stifling you sound

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 28/05/2025 18:21

Leave it 😄, it's absolutely not worth giving mental space to

Agree with making every effort to learn their language

toomuchfaff · 28/05/2025 18:20

Stop going in her room for a start, even though you think its "because I'm being nice" - its not doing you any good, leave her to her room, youve not decorated it so you're not impacted by her.