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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To hate DSD sticking stuff to her walls

188 replies

Eriani · 28/05/2025 17:44

DSD is 20, she’s just finishing her second year of uni. She’s living with us and isn’t from the UK (neither is DH). I’ve really struggled to bond with her, she talks to DH in her native language and puts little effort into joining the family as a whole. DH has made it clear I shouldn’t force her.

DSD has a pretty small room, though not a box room, it’s outdated and we told her we’d redecorate it for her. She said she likes that the paint is a little faded and the wall paper is “old fashioned”, we’ve offered new furniture, to carpet it (just floor boards right now, band sanded and varnished). She keeps saying it’s fine as it is, but we did get her a rug and a taller bookshelf.

She has taken up a habit of sticking stuff to the walls, a poster she got from a tourist shop for free that’s a bit tatty, a random vintage tennis racket etc. That’s fine though. My actual issue is one wall is so random, I know it’s not my room, but she has sticky notes with random quotes from books, pages from books ripped out, a letter from her boyfriend etc. Tbh it’s an eyesore and very random and all tapped up with cello tape.

DH thinks it’s fine, she hasn’t asked us to redecorate and it’s how she wants it. I’m almost never in there so it doesn’t impact me, but I do go in and hoover and change her bedding occasionally (she does her own most of the time but sometimes to be nice I do it). Also my kids have recently had their rooms redone so I would never let them do this, I also think it’s quite childish for someone in their 20s.

AIBU to hate this and suggest she finds another way to display this stuff? Or should I just let her do as she wishes?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 28/05/2025 19:24

Leave her be. The room is fine. Her dad thinks it's fine. Obviously you have a bit of a bee in your bonnet about her rightly ot wrongly. Does your hisband not encourage her to speak in English when your around?

GravyBoatWars · 28/05/2025 19:24

when she does very occasionally speak English to me you can tell very clearly she doesn’t want to

Most of us don't particularly want to talk with people we sense dislike, judge or resent us. I'm sure you'll say "no no I've always been perfectly nice and don't say anything rude" but the reality is people pick up on how we feel towards them. Almost every commentator here has gotten this from a few short posts with no expressions, body language or voice tone so your DSD absolutely will have.

BCSurvivor · 28/05/2025 19:23

OP, you sound quite resentful of your DSD.
Nit picking over her bedroom walls seems very petty.
Perhaps, rather than complain that she speaks in her first language to her dad - which, incidentally, is a very normal thing to do - you make more of an effort to learn and converse in their first language occasionally.

rubbishtv · 28/05/2025 19:23

It’s her room . Leave her alone !

MerrieFerry · 28/05/2025 19:21

You sound mean and judgemental. I wouldn't want to speak in English to you either.

Why does it bother you that she has stuck things up? She is not ruining the walls - they already need to be decorated.

Does she know that you go into her room,translate what she has written and then judge her for it?

Stop being cruel

ForZanyAquaViewer · 28/05/2025 19:20

I’m genuinely astonished by the fact that anyone could write this post and consider themselves reasonable. Like, how?!

ForZanyAquaViewer · 28/05/2025 19:18

Cheffymcchef · 28/05/2025 18:46

I would not be happy with the sellotape. Ask her to remove and get her some blu tack or nice frames. Otherwise she can put what she wants. I had an obsession with Taylor Lautner at that age. Absolute cringe.

Edited

Why? It’s old wallpaper and paint that they wanted to replace, anyway.

TheOriginalEmu · 28/05/2025 19:13

I’m 45 and I still stick things to my walls that I like. It’s her room, she should be allowed to decorate it as she likes.
its also insane to me that your kids aren’t allowed to put up posters or whatever.

tripleginandtonic · 28/05/2025 19:08

I've got photos on my bedroom wall and I'm double her age.

LeaderBee · 28/05/2025 19:02

YABVU

You've already said you don't really go in there or mind, yet you've come on here whinging about it to us.

She just has a different taste to you, isn't from this country and is probably enjoying how different things here can be.

Sounds like you just don't like that she has her own taste.

user2848502016 · 28/05/2025 18:58

YABU, I don’t see the problem, you obviously just don’t like her

Octoberdreaming · 28/05/2025 18:56

OP you are being unreasonable.
Respect her personal, private space and her own individuality..
To be honest - she sounds whimsical and cool.
I can see why she doesn’t engage with you.

SoddingSoda · 28/05/2025 18:56

My bedrooms as a teen/uni student/house shares were similar.

I was only thinking the other day it’s a shame it’s no longer socially acceptable to blu-tac random things that make me smile to my bedroom wall.

DorothyStorm · 28/05/2025 18:53

Cheffymcchef · 28/05/2025 18:46

I would not be happy with the sellotape. Ask her to remove and get her some blu tack or nice frames. Otherwise she can put what she wants. I had an obsession with Taylor Lautner at that age. Absolute cringe.

Edited

It is a bit much to not be best pleased with sellotape on the wall when it has bare floorboards. Op describes the room as a dump. A dump she deems still too good for her stepdaughter.

vodkaredbullgirl · 28/05/2025 18:52

Leave her be.

Beautifulweeds · 28/05/2025 18:51

It's her room, she's making it her own personal space so just let her do it.

HuffleMyPuffle · 28/05/2025 18:50

Cheffymcchef · 28/05/2025 18:46

I would not be happy with the sellotape. Ask her to remove and get her some blu tack or nice frames. Otherwise she can put what she wants. I had an obsession with Taylor Lautner at that age. Absolute cringe.

Edited

Why does the sellotape matter when it's old wallpaper that needs replacing anyway?

ninjahamster · 28/05/2025 18:49

Eriani · 28/05/2025 18:37

Ofcourse I’ve read and translated them, to be honest I find it quite depressing, things like
“Just keep going, no feeling is final” “Very early in my life, it was too late” “live to the point of tears” (these are the only 3 that I translated and have actually remembered). I’ve asked about them and why they are significant, she just says they are and that’s that.

Those quotes are very telling surely? It suggests an undertone of her finding things quite hard at times. If putting affirmations and things on the walls help her, that’s a good thing. It’s a bit like journaling, good for mindfulness.
You don’t sound like you like her…

NoSoupForU · 28/05/2025 18:49

Jesus alive, leave her alone! It's her space to have how she likes. You don't get to control every ounce of her existence and her father has no problem with it.

As an aside, why to christ have you not learned some of their language?

ThePoshUns · 28/05/2025 18:46

Sounds like a bigger issue than her bedroom wall. It’s her room, she should be able to put whatever she wants up on the wall. Pick your battles.

Cheffymcchef · 28/05/2025 18:46

I would not be happy with the sellotape. Ask her to remove and get her some blu tack or nice frames. Otherwise she can put what she wants. I had an obsession with Taylor Lautner at that age. Absolute cringe.

MoominMai · 28/05/2025 18:45

@Eriani lol when I was in my 20s all the girls uni hall room walls were plastered with random things like old concert stubs, reminders and random magazine pages of beautiful women or aesthetically pleasing adverts even.

It may look alarming to you but I assure you it’s not childish or abnormal.

If it really bothers you and you absolutely must say something then perhaps offer to buy a large wall mounted pin board since that is what she’s essentially using the wall for.

Eriani · 28/05/2025 18:45

nomas · 28/05/2025 18:37

Oh OP. She is happy with old wallpaper and paint. So what if she has post it notes on the old paint and wallpaper?

It sounds like you resent her and want to punish her by imposing rules on her.

Please just let her be.

she talks to DH in her native language and puts little effort into joining the family as a whole. DH has made it clear I shouldn’t force her.

How could you force her to join in?

Does she speak fluent English? Of course she wants to speak to her father in her mother tongue. She should maybe talk to him in English if you are in the room.

She is perfectly fluent in English (and studying literature in English so clearly doesn’t struggle). She never speaks in English at home ever. Maybe to my kids but mostly in her native language, I don’t speak it well so it’s hard to communicate and when she does very occasionally speak English to me you can tell very clearly she doesn’t want to!

OP posts:
SaintAgatha · 28/05/2025 18:45

You don’t sound like you like her very much. Her room sounds fine, and her bits and pieces sound exactly like the sort of stuff my 20 year old niece collects. The quotes sound motivational? What are you hoping to achieve by saying something to her, would you like her to leave?

Balanch · 28/05/2025 18:44

Eriani · 28/05/2025 18:37

Ofcourse I’ve read and translated them, to be honest I find it quite depressing, things like
“Just keep going, no feeling is final” “Very early in my life, it was too late” “live to the point of tears” (these are the only 3 that I translated and have actually remembered). I’ve asked about them and why they are significant, she just says they are and that’s that.

Don’t read and translate them then, you’ve clearly got issues with her so stop going in her room, you’re just looking for shit to nitpick