To hate DSD sticking stuff to her walls

Imagine someone moving into your home without your consent, changing your house and even disliking your own personal bedroom decor, and getting huffy that you speak in your first language at home.

I feel for your SD. What an absolute nightmare.

That's quite an indifferent response from you. So they are depressing? She's a teenager and they are notoriously moody at times. But also, maybe she has good cause to feel these quotes resonate, when she is away from her mother, in a foreign country, with a step mother who seems to neither understand nor approve. Just accept her quirks. They are not exactly hard to live with. She could be smoking dope in your living room, or stealing from you, or staying out all night or self harming, running rings around you. She hasn't even caused you the trouble of redecorating.

@Eriani OP, I'm with the others who have said that this isn't about sticking stuff to the walls, it's about having to now share your DH with his daughter. You've gone from having her around during summers to her living with you, which is a big change, and you're trying to have some control of the situation. I can see why you feel you need to exert some influence on this, by reacting to your DSD's bedroom decor, but you're in the wrong about it. Leave her space alone. You don't need to be changing the bedding or hoovering. My DD is 17 and I always knock on her door and don't go in when she's not there if I can help it as I respect her privacy. As an aside, we decorated her room and spent a lot of money on new furniture and she still sticks stuff to the walls! I could be all precious about it but she loves her room and feels happy and comfortable in it.

Speaking French with her father is understandable if that's her first language. She can let herself ramble without having to think. If you can learn to speak German fluently in one year then you could do better than you might think at picking up French. It would make a statement to your DSD that you value her. Conversely, not trying to learn her and her father's shared language sends a clear message that you do not.

It really is sad, you don't sound like you like her at all. How much time do you spend in her room and how does it affect you ?

This is why everyone hates step mothers. You should be celebrating this intelligent, creative woman, not getting pissy about how she decorates her personal space. Which you shouldn't be going into in the first place, btw.

At her age, I did exactly the same, a hook for scarves, random sayings/posters. It’s perfectly normal. Leave it. The not speaking English is a bit bad, tho, given the common language is English. Fine in private conversations to her dad, but you say she speaks to you and your dc in English, so what’s the issue? Have you tried to learn your DH’s language? I would.

She’s being a 20 year old. Leave the poor kid alone!

YABU. You need to sort out your control issues.

It ISNT “being nice” going into another adults personal space and furtling about.
Its a power move, showing her who’s boss
Stop it.

Wow!
you re very wrong. It doesnt matter that it was re-decorated. It is their space amd they should feel they can decorate however way they want.

i cant believe you say “i would not “allow” my kids to put stuffs on the walls”. Really! I am sad for them that they can find and / or express themselves in “their” bedroom.

fyi, we renovated our entire home at the cost of hundred of thousands of £ and extented the kids room. Now they decorate however they want and they chose their paint colour at the time. If they wanted to re-decorate because their tastes have changed, i would buy the paint and teach them how to do it.

dont forbid please, your bedroom is where they can find what spark them whixh important for their development.

and no 20 is perfectly fine dont be so judgmental

It doesn’t affect you in any way. You’re being petty and judgemental

Dd has graduated and is living back at home. I haven’t hoovered her room in years (except maybe just before she was coming home from uni for the holidays), and very very rarely hoover DS’s who is just finishing school - they do it themselves - sometimes after firm cajoling, and I certainly don’t change their beds - they do that (again I may need to ask them to strip their beds and bring everything down to be washed). There’s no real need for you to do it, unless she’s happy for you to do so. Have you asked her whether she’d prefer to hoover herself?

You come across as very controlling OP. I wonder if you hoover "occasionally" her space not so much to be helpful but so you can nose around her room.
You don't have any attachment to her and in fact looks like you resent her being there. She probably senses it to. She is always going to be her daughter and that's never going to change, she deserves time with her father and her father's family.
Also, need to point this out, in a lot of European countries, 20 is not a grown up adult, more like teen if that makes sense. She still needs family and connexion, she needs to feel she belongs. And no, I don't think she's being childish for sticking things on her wall , she sounds very creative and perhaps trying to make the place more homely.

This is just crazy. She's 20. She's at university. She's a young adult. And it's her room, her private space - why on earth would you think it reasonable to criticise the posters and quotations she chooses to put on her wall? It's absolutely none of your business.

Perhaps apply your language skills to learning a bit more than casual French - you might like to speak to your husband's family at some point.

She sounds like a low maintenance, helpful young woman. Why are you complaining so much?

You need to let her got on with it. If the sellotape is the issue buy her some really good quality washi tapes - they’re sort of like thin pretty masking tape. I think MT is the good brand. Tread carefully, don’t tell her she has to use them, but they’re a gift she can use if she wants.

does she want you changing her bedding? I don’t think I’d want someone changing my bedding at that age. Maybe check with her, if you haven’t already.

No wonder why she can't be bothered with you.

Stop going in her room at all, it's invasive. She's an adult for Christ sake, stop changing her sheets, it's not nice it's just weird.

"“Just keep going, no feeling is final” “Very early in my life, it was too late” “live to the point of tears” (these are the only 3 that I translated and have actually remembered). I’ve asked about them and why they are significant, she just says they are and that’s that."

Maybe she doesn't want to explain the meaning, or can't believe you've not worked it out?
“Just keep going, no feeling is final”
I've only got to live with this judgy cow for a finite amount of time
“Very early in my life, it was too late”
I wish my DF had been around when I was young
“live to the point of tears”
Judgy cow is driving me insane, I want to cry but I'll put up with it.

soo controlling ou've removed the option for anyone to vote and express their opinion.

It is not childish at all, if you were to go into any uni halls of residence you'll find posters, quotes and other random tat on the walls. They literally install cork walls in the rooms for this reason. The room is due redecoration so what harm is she doing?

As for speaking in her native tongue with your DH, she is speaking and writing in a language that isn't her own all day, let her decompress and talk to her father in a way that is natural to her. Why have you not learned any if their language?

Christ, you're a judgey one aren't you?!

My walls were covered with tat at that age - typical student room.

You're in there for a couple of minutes while you hoover so I think you may just be able to get the fuck over it.

"I'm jealous my husband is giving his daughter that he hasn't seen regularly since her birth a lot of attention that would usually be on me, so im going to treat her like a complete See You Next Tuesday" vibes from the last few updates.

I'm going to sit very heavily here in my faux psychologist's armchair and ask if you are feeling jealous? In that the scrapbook wall could be seen as an expression of her inner world, as well as a rejection of something you felt would be caring towards her (redecorating), and her speaking another language? So you don't have access to her inner world and feel left out, and the wall reminds you of this?

You are completely unreasonable, controlling and unwelcoming. My student daughter uses an attic room as a den to hang out with friends in. It is plastered with posters, postcards and photographs. She’s very proud of it and I love that she’s created a space that’s meaningful to her. It’s completely normal.