My children’s unequal futures

It’s up to your Mother but I understand your thinking.

I have 2 DC , both by different dads and I’m not with either dad. Eldest is autistic and will likely not earn a lot , his had is a lot older than me will likely pass before me and whilst son is younger due to his age now and has no savings , doesn’t own a home and doesn’t have a high income.He is youngest of 8 from dad . Heis 18 and dad no longer contributes financially. Youngests dad has a good income, nan due to come into a lot of money . DC is only child and grandchild so will be looked after. I always think if I have money to leave/ set them up - would I do it equally or be practical about it

So unless your ds wins the lottery it looks very likely you will proceed with this plan.

If money is irrelevant why would you choose to blow up your children’s relationship, and potentially cause significant harm to consequent generations?

Money is symbolic when it is part of an inheritance as you well know.

Your poor dd
Your ds will receive a poisoned chalice.

@Fetafettish why should other siblings be penalised for one sibling's financial stupidity??

Because i’ve had that conversation with them and they are both lovely kids who don’t want to see their brother struggle for housing. Of course this scenario is based on anyone getting an inheritance. Even without one, DS2 and DD will get help for a deposit as their dad has been saving for this for many years.

I am not disinheriting my younger two from my own will, and if I wanted to balance things out I could do it when I die as i’ll be buying my own home soon and will have a sizeable pension. But I know for a fact that my younger children don’t equate my love for them based on inheritances and respect that as a mother, I want to see all my DC housed. None of them are money orientated and i’d be quite disappointed if one of them said I shouldn’t let DS1 have my share and continue to live in his home because they wanted the same. They just aren’t like that at all and have both agreed that I should do it IF the time comes and there is any inheritance at all.

My brother hasn’t pissed through anything.. he made an unwise business decision years ago.

You really have a pattern of supporting "unwise business decisions" in your family @Fetafettish, don't you?

"Years ago" - so presumably he hasn't managed to get back on his feet like anyone else. The men in your family are not expected to bear the consequence of their adult decisions, are they?

You admire your DS more than your DD, and want to reward him for taking on work that is following a passion but will leave him unable to support himself (and any family he has) by owning the roof over their heads.

You accuse others of equating money with love, but it seems to me that that's exactly what you are doing. Except the other way around. You're showing your love through money.

I just find this baffling.

@Fetafettish sons and daughters in the same family all start off on the same level playing field!!! life should not ever change that! having been left out except for 10k and my older sis getting everything else and the house, I know better than most how unloved I felt!! my sister and I never spoke again!!

By doing this you have to accept that you may ruin the relationship between your children. People focus on the money and come up with convoluted ways to make it fair, but the best legacy you can leave is a strong relationship of family left behind. Divide all equally. It shouldn’t be means tested.

Or pre nups!

It doesn't mean she'll see any of it. They aren't even engaged yet, if they split up or he dies or something (illness, accident etc, not impossible) they may never even marry. They may marry and then split and then where will she be? When there's money like that, there's always a pre-nup and she could end up with nothing.

And how would you feel if you'd ensured your son was set up and your daughter was now struggling?

Very 'traditional' of you OP, all inheritance goes to the son, because a daughter can marry well and be looked after by her husband...

I thought we'd moved on from these sexist ideas.

Wealthy families never ever leave pots of cash to be hoovered up by outsiders. It will be tied up in all kinds of ways to preserve and keep it within the blood family. Your dd may never see a penny of it,

And also the millionaire family might leave the inheritance to the cats home! They wouldn’t be the first or the last…. Seriously.

I think this would be a different discussion if your daughter was wealthy due to her own career rather than marrying into money. It's the marrying in that makes this an unwise plan.

The money represents something other than money.

How do you know that you two other children will be fine with your one child inheriting from your side while they get nothing from them? It's not their fault they have a different father, they didn't make that choice.

You are also making plans for an inheritance that you don't have yet based on inheritance that they don't have yet. What happens if you ensure DS1 gets his own home and then there's no inheritance for DS2 & DD from their father, because circumstances change?

In an ideal world you could make your children's lives exactly equal, but the world is not ideal and none of this is guaranteed. All you're doing is telling your other children that because of circumstances they can't control, you think their brother deserves 100% of their grandmothers estate.

If you really don't need the money, get her to leave 50% to your brother and the other 50% between your two children. Or if you're not sure about that, when u do inherit your 50% give a massive chunk to your son, as it'll.be your money to decide what to do with...but you were right about the crystal ball thing, your daughter could potentially end up with naff all if she signs a prenup, or he pisses it all up the wall so just go steady with this,.don't assume she'll be rich her whole life.

It's different when it's your choice.

Imagine your daughter stuck in a horrible marriage, then finding out that her brother has inherited some money but she hasn't, because way back when mum decided that it should all go to her brother as his future didn't look as financially comfortable?

Or, her marriage is fine, but she feels as an adult, it would have been nice to have the choice of giving her share to her brother as she didn't need it.

I get why you're thinking this. But it would be a mistake.

No one in my family is focussing on marrying money.

Well you are OP, so much so that you're considering altering your mums will to reflect this!

I would ask your mum to treat your kids equally. I don't think money equates to love but I'd be hurt if my nan left my brothers something and left me nothing.

Not to be pessimistic but 50% marriages fail. Her partners parents has money but its not the partners money. They could leave it all to the cat home for all you know. She might also jabe to sign a prenup. My kids are only young but I will be instilling in them that they should always have an exit fund. An emergency fund that no one knows about but that they can access if the need to leave a relationship or are in a dangerous situation.

As for your brother, I don't know why he's in a shit situation but I'd be worried about what happens when the money dries up. Maybe your mum needs to consider putting it in a trust so he can't piss through it.

Does he have to settle for a GF with low aspiration?

Do you suggest he breaks up with her even if they love each other and she is a good person?