My children’s unequal futures

Have your kids heard of it?

This post reminds me of the situation with my brother and me. I made sensible financial decisions, he didn’t. I worked hard at school / uni and made sensible choices; he didn’t.

He then got all the help my parents could give him, and then all the help they should have given me if things were equal, because I was set to do better financially.

Now after years of financial abuse, my STBXH is rinsing me through the courts, not paying anything towards our DC, and my brother is sitting pretty with a big house and a rental property to boot, all seeded by the money my parents had given him, including the money I was originally supposed to have been given.

11 pages in and you’re still determined you’re right, OP. What was the point of posting?

Anything other than 50-50 is just likely to cause upset, hardly what I imagine your mother would want as her legacy.

Not really.

The replies are directed towards op.

If you want a discussion and find out how people really feel about your situation best to make a thread so you can see whether people think it is horrid in your situation or not.

I’ve seen inheritance based on “need” push siblings apart.
one sibling a teacher (male) the other a lawyer (female)

The father left most inheritance to son, because he was “only” a teacher.

The dad died earlier than expected - the daughter furious to be treated “less than” for choosing a challenging education, & career.

In her opinion, her brother got rewarded for choosing “easier” career and she got rejected for her career.

Its years later, the brother is a head teacher so not poor.

Regardless of life choices, many children want to be treated equally by parents. It hurts to be judged.

Why do you think your dd is going to be so happy to be disinherited? No one would be okay, no matter how well you think you have brainwashed her, this is going to really hurt her.

We are now 11 pages in, and not once have you corrected any of the very many posts saying you favour your son.

We are strangers and even we can see it, you idolise him and clearly are willing to do anything to make life more comfortable for him, and him only.

You are not listening to all of these posts warning you not to do this…because you don’t really care do you. For you it’s worth it, whatever the fall out.

Your daughter’s partner’s wealth (ie not truly hers) would really not be comparable to her brother’s personal wealth, even if they did marry.

There is no security like having your own personal wealth to fall back on if shit hits the fan in a marriage - as happens half(?) the time. So I would never do that to my daughter.

I also wouldn’t get involved in someone’s will. I’d be saying “It’s your will to write” and leaving it at that. Of course what you do with your money is on you but I’d really worry about being the cause of resentment or conflict between my own children by treating them unfairly. They would be a huge regret for me personally.

That's not what you've said. You've said you're thinking of suggesting to your mum that she leaves money to your son.

And if you discuss with your daughter, given her current situation and the fact you're suggesting that this is a good call for your brother, how can she say she's not happy with it without sounding greedy?

@Fetafettish She gives him money all the time and so do we. so your dear bro is STILL making bad financial decisions??? why are you and your mother enabling this??? that is just stupid!! Is he gambling???

I agree with this. Also don’t understand “ about to be engaged “ had nobody proposed yet ?

I'm baffled as to why you can't see that you choosing to ask your parents to leave everything to your brother is very different to it being done to you.

You saying "please don't leave me anything, DB needs it more" doesn't give you the message that your parents view you differently. However, if you hadn't had this conversation with them, and in 20 years time your situations were flipped, but your brother was left everything and you got nothing, you wouldn't feel good about that.

That's what you're suggesting for your daughter. That at a point in time when she may appreciate some support (because the future isn't set), she'll be told that her brother was more deserving of that support and she gets none.

This is different.

Two of your kids are guaranteed an inheritance whereas one isn't. And you're just evening it up.

Whereas here- one child may get married and may be financially set but this depends on her partner- one child has decided to work a low paid job and may or may not have been told or indirectly implied their choices (to work a low paid job/ follow their passion/ work part- time/ study until they are in their 50's) would be financially rewarded as they grew up.

You may not intend to, but that doesn’t mean it wouldn’t be the outcome.

Your daughter isn’t you. You being fine with something does not mean that your daughter would be.

There comes a point where it isn’t on you to make sure your children are equal. They’re adults that have made their own choices in life, and it isn’t your responsibility to make up for what you perceive him to lack in comparison to his sister.

You may be fine with giving up any claim to inheritance for your brother, but just a cursory look on here will show you that many people don’t share your feelings on this, and favoring your son over your daughter can result in their relationship with one another being destroyed.

Shocked at so many of these replied even for MN.

Theres nothing wrong with wanting the best for both your children and it is sad when they both work hard but one will likely never make as much money or be as comfortable.

I would suggest your mother splits hers evenly, between you and your brother. You keep your share until life plans work out a bit more and you see if one children needs money. I wouldn’t take anything for granted just yet. And perhaps ensure your daughter always has some or has the equivalent in savings before giving to her brother.

hopefully your DD will realise how fortunate she is.

Honestly, unless it’s extreme circumstances such as one child with needs that mean they’ll need paid for care for the rest of their lives I just think siblings should be treated equally in wills.

My mum told me a few years ago that she was thinking of leaving most of her estate to my brother - he and his wife work in meaningful but extremely low paid jobs and have very little. They are both bright and well educated, and this was absolutely a choice that they made. I too work in a low paid but worthwhile job, but DH has always earned well. A few months after she told me this, Covid hit, and all of a sudden DH’s well paid secure career went down the toilet. I think it hit my mum then that you never know what it round the corner and she decided she should leave everything equally as she’d been planning to before. In addition, like your daughter, I only have money and a comfortable life because of dh. I don’t earn that money, he does. Of course it is shared, but if we split up then what? There are no guarantees in life.

Lots of your posts suggest you favour your son. Whether that's intentional or not, it's how it comes across. You might want to think about it, in case it comes across in real life.

Very much so.

You very much come across like you favour your son OP, it would be wise to take note of that, rather than get defensive.

Again, this is your decision for you to go without. It's not the decision of your DD for her to get nothing while her brother does, you would be the one choosing to penalise her for her brother's financial choices.

You've got your daughter whole life to work it out, have you?

Just treat your kids equally and stop trying to "even" things out between them when you don't know what the future holds for either of them.

Ten years time, will DS and his partner still be together? Will they win the lottery? Will DD and her partner have gotten married and be happy or split? Might DS have met an heiress and be set to inherit twice what your DD is? What if DD and/or her husband fall ill? End up widowed or unable to work? Someone scams or plots against her future husband and he loses access to his inherited money?

So many possibilities for things to change for them. You can't predict it, don't try.