My children’s unequal futures

How did you diagnose @Fetafettish being narcissistic through a thread she posted. Even experts in the area, need to meet the person and go though a lengthy assessment over a period of time to come to that conclusion.

I disagree that it would definitely cause a rift. As long as everyone is open about it I think it can be a very fair way to do things. My parents are leaving more or less everything to my brother. He needs the money I don’t. I absolutely know this is not about who they love more or who the favourite is. They know I am financially stable and will most likely always be. He is not. The truth is if I inherited from them it would go on some luxuries that I could pay for anyway. My brother will use it to survive and pay for his home, heating and food. Could you really “enjoy” an inheritance in those circumstances, I couldn’t! I will get my pick of anything sentimental, mother’s jewellery, family heirlooms, family photographs etc. That’s all I want.

Teaching is not an easy career.

IMO, it should always be equal. Equal from your mother to you and your brother, and equal from you to your 2 dc.

@Fetafettish because by the time your parents die, your brother may have won the lottery and you may be homeless. And he may refuse to help you. And then he’ll inherit everything, be even richer, and you’ll still be homeless.

My Mother plus DH Father left their entire estates to their favourite children, not us, neither of our sisters had any health issues, disabilities or cognitive issues they were just shit at life. It felt a bit like we were being punished for being successful.

One option might be to have you and your DB inherit, uneven shares if you think that would give him more security. You could then use the money you inherit from your mum to help your DS buy a house, but the money remains yours to either be distributed equally between both dc or you could leave it to your DB at a later date. You could use a product such as a family springboard mortgage so the money remains protected but you have given ds a chance to get a property.

That way your DS can benefit from the money and buy somewhere but there is no longer term disparity in the distribution of cash.

It's a bit Pride and Prejudice, isn't it? 😂

Additionally, feels a bit strange to make these decisions on behalf of your adult children. If DD feels financially secure and wants to forfeit her share of the inheritance to her brother, that's one thing. But to decide that for her feels disrespectful. She's not even getting a say here. And it baffles me that OP didn't even think of her children when the issue of inheritance first came up. We live in a society where you can basically kiss goodbye to any hope of owning your home these days, without a leg up from the Bank of Mum and Dad. OP's children will be well aware of this. I don't understand how it could be an afterthought to her, in any conversation about inheritance.

Well put @Naunet I was just thinking how very Jane Austen it all sounds

I wish someone had bankrolled me to follow my passion (which would never have put a roof over my head of its own accord) but alas I had to get a proper job and fend for myself. I do still see a lot of people in the cultural sector whose salary for their “little job” is supplemented by family and tbh they are not always that well-respected. Mind you they probably don’t care a jot!

Op's both children worked hard unlike in your situation. Op's dd will have more comfortable life through her rich finace. Both situations are different.

Your son chose to date someone on minimum wage. If he aspires to have a higher combined income with a partner, he is perfectly at liberty to ditch her and seek out a woman on a higher salary.

I understand where you are coming from. For some people no matter what inheritance should be equally divided. I agree with it in most cases but there are exceptions like in your brother case where there are other fa tors to consider. Generally, if your parents who brought you and your siblings up with love and equality, you will have understanding in special circumstances like you have towards your mother about your brother needing it more.
I also dont think you are being unfair in wanting to help your son more than your daughter.

So why do you need the thread?
if you don’t equate money with love, your son has less money than your daughter and you’ve brought them up to view money equitably not equally… then you don’t need mumsnet, do you?

No, OP please don't do that. Like it or not, people see money as love. Less money, less love. It destroys families.

Equal shares is absolutely the only way to go unless you want your children never to speak to each other ever again once the will is read. honestly, don't meddle.
My brother has made poor decisions all his life and worked in minimum wage jobs. He's had thousands and thousands from my mum. He has visited mum about twice in the 10 years she's been in care.
I don't bear him any malice but when my sister suggested giving him a bit extra from our three way inheritance, I shut it down. If she wants to from her share, that's fine but I don't. I need the money (it's not a fortune) as much as he does.

Why? Why is your brother inheriting but you and your sisters are not?

This is ridiculous!?

Your DS and DD make their own choices of partner. Maybe money comes into it, maybe it doesn't, but you agonising over their finances seems weird. They should (and presumably are) choosing who/what makes them happy (or hopefully will...)

Secondly... your DS is... well, a man. Rightly or wrongly, he is likely to have an advantage in terms of work/career/earnings over your DD. He may well end up earning plenty of money, to write him off as "never being able to own a home" because his partner is (currently, in her 20s) on minimum wage sounds really odd and to be honest, if I was him I'd be insulted. "Thanks Mum for having so much confidence in me. Now fuck off"

Leave it alone I say...

It’s positively narcissistic. Just a point blank refusal to acknowledge others apart from her son mirroring adoration.

I sincerely hope DDs dh to be is a wonderful man because she is absolutely screwed if she is relying on her mother for anything but indifference/contempt.

That is a ridiculous thing to say. None of us equate money with love but estates in general should be equally shared and if one sibling doesn’t need the money then surely they can hand over their share to the less well off sibling ?

This.

Your DD is probably a lovely young woman, with a high ethical code, because that's the way you've brought her up.

If you asked her "How would you feel if I left everything to your brother?" how could she say, "Actually, that would be very unfair." Particularly as she knows that you want to "even things up." It would not be a free or fair question.

Talk about emotional blackmail ...

Have you heard about the fact that inheritance is not a "marital asset"? So, pre-nup or not, as it's inherited wealth, your daughter may not be entitled to any of it, which leaves her very vulnerable if her partner decides he doesn't want her to have any access to it or they split.

She'll also be impacted by cost of living. Everyone is.

No, I don’t need a discussion about it, I gave my thoughts and situation and i’m replying to people who have actually tagged me. That’s how this forum works.

I'm not bored. But I'll put my hands up to being over-invested in this thread though. (I do have a modicum of self-knowledge OP).

Because I saw what a similar situation did to one of my parents who'd married someone due to inherit a trust fund worth annually twice their professional salary (ie. my other parent).

My parent was silently disinherited because presumably, they'd "married money," just like your DD.

This caused deep upset about WHY their father had disinherited them, which lasted the rest of their life. It was not about the money; it was about what being left out of their father's last will (last act) meant. Left out of his last thoughts & intentions. Horrible to watch. Luckily, my aunts and uncles redistributed their father's estate so my parent inherited an equal share.