My children’s unequal futures

Personally I have more respect for someone who follows their passion and loves what they do, than I have for someone who hates what they do but puts up with it so they can call themselves “rich” as you have done.

Personally I have more respect for someone who is financially independent and able to support themselves, covering their expenses and living needs without relying on others for financial support, unless they can't due to illness or disability, of course. Because if you follow your passion but rely on other people to support you financially, you are nothing but a freeloader.

This is one of the most sensible post on this thread though there are many.

My Dad is/was a lawyer. A corporate lawyer but he did a lot of wills and estates for friends/families/employees etc pro bono. He always says that even families of whom you would never expect it can fall out over money. Not because they are greedy but things can happen: someone can need medical care, one of the kids needs a special school, someone else’s partner can be difficult etc etc. Based on his experience he was always determined to split his assets totally equally between his children.

If OP shared why her brother and son are struggling so much with money, it might be more relatable but from what I'm getting form her posts, apart form being cranky with some posters, this is about selective generosity (a.k.a. playing favourites), bias and double standards.

@Fetafettish you say things like "I don’t equate money with love" yet your plan suggest you believe money is a way to show care and support. You're using a moral high ground (“I’m not materialistic”) while also using family money as a tool to direct your care.

Not sure if this is a martyr complex, plain old virtue signalling or wanting to appear noble or selfless.

You seem blinkered and irresponsible about the potential harm of giving money to someone who's not very good with managing their finances. By giving your brother money you're enabling his dysfunction and possibly setting him up to burn through more and more resources without any accountability.

It’s not even your money you’re trying to control. But what makes it worse is the hypocrisy, you say money doesn’t matter to you, yet you're the one making judgments about who deserves it. You can’t act above it all while trying to control where it goes.

Your poor children.

What happens if you need paid for care when you are older? Do you expect your dd to over that?

Out of interest what is wrong with your db and why does he need pandering to? Won't he feel it patronising if he prevents his niece and nephew from inheriting family money?

What is your db's profession that he earns so little in middle age? Does he have diagnosed mental health problems, a disability or is he long term ill? Or is he neuro divergent? Does he have debts? Gambling problem? Addictions?

A functioning adult without the above difficulties should not be pandered to.

Why if your (future?) grand children end up with significant needs?

I get how you feel as a lone working parent who rents (so nothing to leave kids)

Children have different fathers
1 will inherit from hers.
1 has had no contact with father for 30 years so won't have that.

If you don’t want your share of the money, split it equally between your children. You need to prioritise your children over your brother.

I don't think you're getting it OP, you seem very controlling and pleased with yourself. You've not grasped that you have assumed the wishes of 3 other people (aside from your mum who asked your opinion).

You've decided how things are going to go for your son and daughter, but you have no idea what the future holds.

Of course … the father in this instance was completely wrong in thinking the teacher needed extra money. Of course, the teacher’s career choice was actually more demanding than Law school, qualifying exams and working in a large Law firm.

Sorry for the teacher who took long surfing holidays around the world during breaks, so sad he worked so hard and needed money to fund surfing holidays.

You don't know you'll be fine in the future though. Anything could happen. Both DH and I were put at risk of redundancy on the same day, just last year. Luckily we were both safe after the process but it could very easily have wiped out our income in one fell swoop.

How do you think your parents would feel if they left everything to your brother and then you ended up struggling? Because no one can predict the future.

The thing is, I get the impression your daughter wouldn’t even dare to tell you if she wasn’t happy with the situation, because she’d get sad eyes from you and ‘I thought I’d brought you up better than that. The contents of a will don’t equal love’

I get the impression and op had yet to correct anyone when raised on here, that she does not give a damn how her daughters life might turn out, over and over again she has ignored that point and persists with her view that her son is deserving of extra money/inheritance and respect for his noble choice. It is rare to see such blatant favouritism.

And have my parents going to their death worried for their child? They love us both equally but they don’t worry about me, they don’t have to. This way they know we BOTH will be ok. I want that for them. And btw me and my bother don’t even get along, that doesn’t mean I want to see him struggle forever, and tbh it’s more a kindness to my parents than him. And yes he has received much more financial support through the years than me which I am also happy. Why would I want my parents money that I don’t need just in the name of “fairness”. I think problems arise when people don’t know what’s coming and find out about an unequal will when the time comes. If discussed and explained reasons and if everyone is happy with it then I think it’s fine.

Stop trying to manipulate this. You are seeing it as morally justified, but it is actually very controlling. If your daughter wants to help her brother out with money she can decide to do that. If she is happy to do it, she doesn’t need you to force her hand.

You also have no idea how their lives will pan out.

One of my DHs in-laws left a few million to his dc. The one who is a millionaire in his own right then gave his share to his siblings. I think that's the best way to do it.

Your mum needs to do what’s right for her in her will - but I wouldn’t advise her to give any to your son. Rather the amount should be split equally between you two and then you do what you see fit with your share

Also, favouritism or partial treatmwnt even in life affects children (and we are all children around our parents even as adults), what more in death when you're not there to reassure them...

OP, when you keep on saying stuff about how you/your children don't equate money with love, it makes me angry because you're looking down your nose at all the previous heartfelt posts about the sting of being disinherited.

I have NEVER once equated money with love. Told my parents to give all the inheritance to my siblings who need it more. But as I wrote earlier, when I unexpectedly received a lot less from my grandma, it still hurt a lot.

I did not covet the money at all, only her last act of sharing, care and provision. Metaphorically it was like her calling my name and cooking me a nice meal one last time. Someone else got it. I didn't. I didn't want the money at all, only the love and remembrance associated with the will. When someone you love deeply is dead and gone you're grasping at straws. It can be irrational. But grief around death is irrational.

And it's a long road alone after someone dies. Thoughts and feelings can be stirred up decades down the road, especially as your life changes but even if not.

Also, I'd not sound so smug about how you've brought your children up, because if your daughter DOES at some point feel this irrational, unexplainable but human niggling whisper that Mum cared less about me, or Mum didn't even care that I might need it now my circumstances have changed, does that mean you have failed at bringing her up?

You know full well that your daughter doesn't have any entitlement to her boyfriends money at all, stop using it as an excuse to favour your son.

I don't really understand this kind of thinking.

Surely the obvious thing to do is to split the money equally between children, and make it clear that the "wealthier" child should feel free to give some or all of their share to the "poorer" sibling if they agree that that's the fairest option?

If the richer one is genuinely happy with an uneven split, you will achieve the same outcome. If they don't want to share it of their own accord, then I think you can reasonably assume that they won't think it's fair for their parents to "even things out" after all!

Me and my sister have ended up having completely different lives. She doesn’t resent me for that and me and DH help her financially when necessary. It will be what it will be, I wouldn’t interfere.

For context, my sister has always gotten more than me for DP because she needed it and I’ve never had a problem with that at all.

So when the time comes, gift to your sibling. Your choice.

@Fetafettish have you considered whether your daughter wants her entire financial security to be dependent on her (almost) fiancé? Or maybe she might like to have some independence? Many women would prefer to be able to support themselves rather than being dependent on a man.

Regardless of that, my brother and I both made life choices that resulted in it looking like I would cash out and he would struggle — as is the case with OP’s kids.

It turned out not to be the case.

While OP says her son has worked hard, he’s chosen a career where he won’t earn much, and a partner who also doesn’t have high earning capacity.

The fact that his sister is being penalised as a result (but it’s ok because he earns £5000 and many fine carriages) is hugely unfair and could absolutely lead to her being similarly disadvantaged by comparison in future.

And that’s great. I really hope your daughter sees it the same way. Punished for success or ‘marrying well’ may well be a bitter pill to swallow for her, whether that’s a rational emotion or not. Far better to divide it equally and then give your daughter the opportunity to give her share to her brother if that is what she wants.

re following your passion, I don’t disagree with you but equally I never wanted to be in a situation where I couldn’t provide everything my children needed. I read/see everywhere about cuts to school budgets, COL crisis, dire NHS wait times etc and am glad that I chose a career where I can bypass those problems. Being wealthy doesn’t make one happy, of course it doesn’t, but it does buy you choice and that is why even at 22, I chose to work in the corporate world (Which I now dislike much less as my level of seniority means my role is now hugely flexible, part time and mainly involves delegation).

Interesting thread. In my family, there were two daughters and a son. The son became dependent on the parents following a disastrous attempt at going to University. He had unacknowledged and untreated mental health problems. The daughters left home while still teenagers and the son continued to live at home.

Later, the son developed a life limiting illness. The father died and the mother was left caring for the son, who had been working in a low paid job but was now too ill to do so. The daughters both married and had their own children.

The mother decided to alter her will to leave half of her Estate to the son and 25% to each of the daughters.

There were tensions within the family due to strained relationships from childhood, but the change in the mother's will was accepted. However, neither of the daughters thought the mother loved them equally to the son.

Rationally speaking, money does not equal love. But you cannot rationalise away feelings of disappointment or rejection when it comes to a sibling being treated more favourably in a parent's Will.

It's also true that nobody can see into the future. In this case, the son died before the mother. When the mother became ill, the daughters shared the care of her and later inherited their shares equally. They acknowledged to one another that the mother had loved them all equally, but that she had materially favoured the brother because of his vulnerability, and that this had made them feel sad and distant from the mother, because they could not express their true and mixed feelings while she was alive.

Trying to divide an inheritance between children based on your imagined assessment of their future needs is a big mistake. It is far better to give them equal shares in every case. If one of them turns out to have a greater need, the person giving the gift doesn't need to make decisions about that in advance. Indeed the person giving the gift will never know who has the greater need after they have died.

What if the empire falls and leaves nothing? Just treat them equally, that is fair.