My children’s unequal futures

You have no idea what the future holds. YABU.

The biggest shame about all of this is the fact that we now live in an inhertocracy. Doesn't matter how hard young people work, whether they get an inheritance or not is what will have the biggest influence on their lives.

"I realise my dd may one day get divorced and no one has a crystal ball, but AIBU to try and even things out? It really upsets me that despite both working so hard, they’re going to have totally different lives."

Gently, yes YABU.

You haven't taken into account that if one of your children is left money by their grandparent and the other is not, no matter how the non-inheritor tries to feel about it they will be left with that nagging doubt that their grandmother didn't love them as much as they loved the sibling who does inherit. There's a good chance it will drive a wedge between siblings too.

So no, your idea of 'evening things out' will just introduce different problems.

You can say what you want but as you've already found, people change their minds. You didn't care for money until you thought it might benefit your son.
Your dd, whatever she says to your face, will resent it.

Ds has chosen his life.

There’s a lot of maybes in your plan. Your DD may never marry - she may stay engaged or split. If they do marry he may not be left millions or it might be in trust.
By saying leave to brother you are potentially depriving your children one of which may need more than brother.
Up to your mum but a normal distribution is to both children equally assuming not estranged. Then when you inherit you can decide if you want to gift money to one child or both.

You are making a lot of assumptions about your daughter's future.

Can DS and his DP move in with you if you have space so they can save up for a home deposit? Even a one bed flat will be good.

If your brother is desperate right now, it might make more sense for her to help him out with a gift or a long-term loan, and divide her estate equally - whether that means just you and your brother or whether she also wants to make specific behests to the children, either option is OK. Things may change with any of all of your finances before the will comes into play and the estate is settled.

i think it’s best your mum leaves it equally between you and your brother and then you can give it to your son.

im not in the same situation yet but I have one db who works hard and long hours but doesn’t earn a hugely. He’s had MH problems in the past but enjoys his job and is finally mentally healthy, so money isn’t the most important thing in his life.

I have had a different path and earn well and mortgage free late 30’s. Parents have told me that their wills are split equally between us all. I’ve told my mum that I will make sure my db’s mortgage is paid off with my share as he barely has a pension.

You mention how much your DS’s partner earns but not how much he earns. Does he have good career prospects?
ETA apologies, just saw your post about his career.

But these are their choices

They could have chosen something they enjoyed less but earned more 🤷‍♀️

you should ask your dm to bypass you and so your brother gets 50% and each of your children gets 25%.

anything else you cannot predict.

So I am wealthier than my siblings and have said to my parents that they do not have to leave me anything. They did think about it but (I think) have decided that they want to treat us equally and that if i then want to gift part of my share to my siblings (or formally vary the will), then i can do that. As between you and your brother, then i think a similar approach would work.
If you then decide you want to give some of what you keep (or your other assets) to one DC but not the other then that is your decision but i think it is very difficult unless the DC with the rich fiance supports this (as i would have done if my parents were minded that way).

Why are you forgiving your mum but holding resentment towards your brother?

Bear in mind that her partner being from a wealthy family may mean that she benefits from it, but does not mean that the wealth will become equally hers, or be readily accessible to her, upon marriage. It does not necessarily guarantee a financially secure future for her. Wealthy families usually protect their wealth so it cannot be easily lost in a divorce.

Suggest she gives half to your brother and then splits what would have been your half between your two children. Unfair to treat the children differently, nobody can predict how their lives will pan out one might win the lottery 🤷‍♀️. Keep it equal and fair.

I agree that it should be left between you and your brother. My children are in different positions, too, but I wouldn't dream of leaving one more than the other. I would help one out more now, while I'm still alive, but not in my will.

You say your son's partner is on minimum wage. Is he on more than that? Does she have any ambition and if not, does that bother him?

I actually think you’ve started this a generation back, you’re saying to your mum she should even up you and your dbs life choices, and now you are saying she should even up your DCs instead.

how about you stop seeing inheritance as a way of balancing out different ways of living and more about the person who has died showing who matters to them?

if your mum is asking you what to do, you could say “either leave it equally to me and my brother, or if you want to leave it to him because he needs it more, that’s ok as long as I know that’s why I’m getting nothing. If you leave anything to me, I’ll use it to help my kids as and when they need it.”

your son might dump his current partner for someone filthy rich. Your daughter might be asked to sign a prenup and leave a relationship with very little. She might be marrying a man who makes poor choices and loses the bulk of the money. Your son might win the lottery.

Get your Mum to split her will 50/50 between you and your brother. Then you can help your kids. Don't make assumptions - life can take many turns.

Oh god don’t do this!!!!! Your DD might have to have a prenup, or the marriage might only last a year and she’s not “entitled” to money. My point is you just don’t know. They might not even get married!! You are likely to cause a rift between your children.