My children’s unequal futures

I would split evenly. For your mum - equally between her children ( you and your brother) . When it is your turn equally between your children. Anything else causes resentment. People’s lives change. Your daughter may end up destitute and your son may become wealthy.

if your Mum’s inclination is to tear her own children equally, so be it.

That is what I would do.

If she leaves ££ to you and you don’t need it then divert it equally to your kids.

Anything else is essentially meddling and engineering and will leave someone feeling left out.

I have no idea why you would ask her to a) leave your share to your DBro which will ultimately de-prioritise your own kids, or b) suggest your two kids are treated differently.

Your job, IMO, is to treat your kids equally.

You say your Ds is doing well in his chosen field, good for him. How do you know he will even stay with his current partner? He might be the next to marry into millions.

@Fetafettish Would it really cause a rift? of course it will cause a rift!!! they will know that this instruction has come from you! and you must also leave your money equally to your son and daughter! do you really want your daughter to feel "less loved!"

Look, you've had the opportunity to say you don't want her money and what you would rather her do with it. That's entirely fine.

If, however, you tell your mother to not give one of your two children anything but to give to the other, your daughter will hear that she's not worth the same as her brother.

My sister and I went to the same school, had the same parents, same up bringing, same opportunities and support. She's not as academic or career driven as me and so we have very different career paths. I also married a man who works hard and likes to progress in his career while she married one who doesn't want to progress or have any interest in work beyond paying the basic bills. So our lives look different.

My parents regularly gift her money or other things. Because she's deemed less "capable" than me they give a lot of practical support whereas I'm regularly told I don't need it. I grew up with her, I know she needed it but she's now a grown adult, married woman who isn't that much younger than me. So it often stings to hear "we've given her x, y or z because she needs our help, you don't".

It makes it feel like because I and my husband have made different life choices, gone down different paths, etc, we aren't as worthy of the support. I try and remind myself that it doesn't matter and I don't actually need it, but it still feels like they think she's more deserving.

Don't do that to them. If you don't want your share, tell your mum you'd rather she spilt it between your kids. Not that one is more deserving of her help than the other.

50% to your brother 25% each to your DC. End of.

I don’t see why you encouraged your mum to leave her assets all to one child! Seems odd thing to do.

My son was engaged to a woman from a multi million pound family - they split up 4 years later.

Inheritances should be equally split, because situations can spin on a dime. At one time I was much wealthier than my sister. I've since divorced and she is wealthier than me.

OP an inheritance is a non-matrimonial asset. If your DD splits from her wealthy partner there is no guarantee she'll get a penny of his inheritance. You are making her entirely reliable on his good will which isn't great.

I disagree with leaving unequal amounts of inheritance based on kids current financial status (unless one child has a disability that means they will require life long care)

I generally think inheritance should be equal.

If one sibling thinks they want to "help out" a less financially secure sibling, then they can make the decision and choose to do that

Be careful on that front.

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and have completely separate finances. I don't even know what he earns. We're both equally happy with it like this.

But your daughter might well need her own money one day. And with family businesses and assets she may end up asset rich but cash poor.

Either way, unequal inheritances generally go very badly wrong and people are hurt.

You may say money doesn't equal love, but I can't imagine your DD will be happy.

I'm the wealthier sibling in my family. Just before he died, my DF wrote his will gifting his and my DM's house to my sibling and there is no way my DM will go against his wishes. It hurts like hell. But more than that, it taints memories. I couldn't really give a shiny shit about my family now. And I hate that I feel like that. But it's how I feel. It's not the money, in fact it's not actually about the money at all. It's not dissimilar to finding out your partner has been having an affair. The life you've been living isn't the life you've been living, iyswim. You've been bowling along thinking one thing, but you've not seen it clearly and it's been very different all along. That's what hurts and it cuts like a knife. It's like betrayal and that is very hard to get over. If siblings have very different wealth, it ought still be up to them to sort out an equitable deal, not the generation above to try and level things up a bit.

My husband has a sibling who has always had better, more well paid jobs and met a man with a fairly wealthy family. Their parent split their will equally despite all this. Years down the line our jobs have remained steady and we’ve slowly built up our savings. His siblings partner has unfortunately had ill health, they’ve had more children than us and have medical needs they need to pay for to get enough support.

No one can predict how things will turn out for anyone.

I'm the daughter in this situation, although I didn't marry into money but I have a nice life with my DH amd DC through hard work, nice home, foreign holidays, private dental/healthcare, savings,ect. My brother made different choices, poor choices, 3 children, debt, low paying jobs, claims poverty, ect. My parents always supply him with money, ect. They believe it's not fair I have a better lifestyle although my DH and I bothe work FT in stressful jobs and spend a fortune on childcare..
I'm basically penalised for making better choices and working hard 🙄

As someone left out of a will because of the circumstances of another and the assumption you will get their money - it hurts and it’s shit no matter which way you want to spin it op! And sometimes it doesn’t come true.

OP so lovely to hear that you were happy for your brother to get the inheritance from your mother. Too many times I hear about siblings fighting over money.

Thats the reason I would say (like many previous posters) that if you take inheritance money then split it equally. Money always causes resentment and you can’t guarantee problems arising down the line.

Unfortunately I have seen a scenario where the partner stirring the pot and it’s caused a breakdown in relationship with the siblings.

I would be VERY careful about this. Your dd might get engaged to someone coming from a rich family, does not mean she will see a penny of it. I know from seeing this that some rich families hold on to their money very tightly. Therefore, I would get your share of inheritance and wait on it. See if you need to split it between your kids or if you give it to your son.

It really isn’t. You’re relying on someone else bankrolling her and choosing to bankroll your son to your daughter’s detriment. I suspect she would find it unforgivable if you go through with this and in the future she finds out you favoured her brother. Because that’s what you’re doing even if you don’t want to admit it.

Just to point out, that I will take nothing from my parents when they die ( not a big inheritance but still some money) even though I could really do with it, as I can see my brother needs it even more. And we are not even close as siblings.

Not all siblings see their relationship entirely in terms of grabbing as much money from relatives as they can. Some of us look in more detail at what is fair

It isn't nasty or twisted. It's blunt, yes. But there's truth in it, like it or not.
You don't like it because it's close to the bone.

You clearly love your dc and wider family - db and mother. However I think you should tread carefully …….

we have had years of a close family member (the eldest child) pleading poverty & as a result getting significant sums of money from people only to remain heavily in debt but taking holidays at every opportunity saying it’s needed for Mh / significant birthday etc etc whilst the people who were the “financial rescuers” planned, saved and made wise financial choices for themselves and their lifestyles.

if you or your dm have money you want to pass to your children do it fairly - even if the financially wealthier one alludes to being okay with an unfair split. It actually festers subconscious resentment.

Is she's asked I would tell her what you think, yes.

Financially, the worst thing that is going to happen to your daughter is a large divorce settlement.

It would not be reasonable of your daughter to resent her brother getting some financial help when she will get so much in life due to who she married.

You’re getting way ahead of yourself OP. They’re not even engaged yet, let alone securely married!
inheritances should be equal, or you’ll make future relationships rocky however much you’ve convinced yourself it won’t.
what if your son wins the 170M euro millions this weekend? what if your daughter and potential sil have a child with disabilities that mean they both have to give up work? What if he doesn’t end up inheriting a penny? What if he drops dead at 30 and leaves your daughter with 3 kids? Far too many things that you have zero control over may happen in the next 10yrs let alone 30yrs.

I would be OUTRAGED if I was your son and I knew that you were giving away half the inheritance that could have been passed on directly to me (because, seemingly, his sister and you don't need it).

I would also - delicately - point out to your son that decisions have consequences. He cannot help who he fancies or falls in love with, but he can try to think with a clear head. If a house and financial stability is very important to him then maybe he should try to find a partner who is better able to support him in those aims.

We learned the hard way
never means test
we give to our DC equally