My children’s unequal futures

Always split evenly (except if one child has a severe disability). Anything else risks resentment and arguments.

^ This x 1000. I think the OP's DM should also split the money equally with the OP and her brother. Up to the OP whether she gives money from the will to her brother (or her kids).

OP, why can your brother not support himself and requires top ups from you and your DM? Is he severely disabled in some way?

She said "not well paid", not minimum wage. And plenty of professions are not well paid, pretty much anything in the public sector!

I'd treat them equally. An ex colleague of mine was on around £300k a year and had done well out of property development - she was worth several million. But she still had a massive issue with her mum and dad giving her sister the family fast food place to even things up.

I used to think like that. I'm not materialistic at all. I would far rather my parents leave more/the most/all to the sibling most in need.

But when my dear old grandma died, I was unexpectedly really upset about the will even though it was clearly for practical reasons. I never expressed my upset of course. And I wasn't upset for materialistic reasons obviously.

But when someone is dead the will is one of the most lasting, concrete things they leave behind and it can feel a lot like acknowledgement of your existence, the last act of care and protection and wanting to share with a loved one. It rather feels like someone else was chosen and valued over me. It's not rational or true but there it is.

What a way to cause issues and resentment between your children. Just because they have happened to meet people with different circumstances doesn’t mean that they should be treated differently within their own family

While no one should expect an inheritance, your way of thinking is awful

It may be worded poorly but these were my thoughts too. I couldn’t find an elegant way to say it so chose not to say anything. The truth is you don’t know what is in your daughter’s future. You need to make fair provision for both your children.

I'm sorry but I'm struggling to think of a 'well respected' career on minimum wage with no progression potential. Nurses, teachers etc all earn more than minimum wage.
Minimum wage is reserved for very unskilled jobs. Surely she could consider something with more earning potential?

Your son is not making a good choice incurring lots of debt to do a masters for a career that will only be modestly paid, he should instead consider careers with more potential for better earnings. These are choices. If he wants a passion job that's poorly paid that's a choice.

Frankly, you or your mum can divide assets how you want, but your children can reallocate them. My DH has done very well for himself. His sister will inherit from her in laws who have substantial property investments. His brother works hard, but doesn't have much. My aunt in law has shown us her will as we are executors, she wants to leave almost everything including a very nice, expensive house to my DH and I. We have explicitly told her that we respect her wishes, but we will be splitting anything equally with the other siblings and wouldn't be ok with anything else. So your mum can do what she wants, but it's really on the children to decide how to allocate it. If they respect each other and each other's needs, it might surprise you what they choose.

Separately - my aunt in law's will notes that we get the house and all the contents, and we think she did this so that we will have to take whatever lunatic of a dog she has at the time, which made us laugh.

When I was 25 I owned a nice 3 bed semi, about to get engaged and had a partner on a decent salary. My sister a year younger was unemployed and living at home.

I’m now 29 and in my mum’s box room with barely any savings and she’s just bought a house with her partner both earning really good salaries.

Their life isn’t set in stone at 25, 35 or 45. I think they should be treated equally.

So much conflict potential. Your DD may end up needing the money decades down the line (or even sooner) and then resenting all of you. Or she may not need the £ but still associate it with favouritism - these feelings aren't logical. Why not split half between DD and DS? It will still be a leg up for DS, and it won't hurt DD.

It won't necessarily cause a rift. Wouldn't in my family.

You're very defensive of your daughter's choices, while effectively planning to disinherit her.

Look, if she and her boyfriend marry, I'd bet my house that she'll be required to sign a pre-nup (one of my siblings married a person from a very rich family & had to even though we're also a very affluent family), and I'd also bet my other house that there'll be strings attached to any money from her boyfriend's family business (my sibling is a saint in terms of what they've put up with in terns of in-laws' interference). I do not envy them at all.

Money via inheritance is not just about the actual hard cash. It's about one's place in the family. If your DD were effectively disinherited - on the advice of her own mother (I find this shocking) - what does that say to her? Yes, it's just money & she looks like she'll have plenty. But it's also symbolic.

One of my parents just died. The will leaves their estate equally to all their children, even though only one of us really needs it (not me or my well-married sibling). But it would have been unthinkable to my parent to leave things unequally. Whatever our circumstances, they left their worldly goods to us equally.

DM leaves money to you and DB.

Then you can gift to DB or DS or whoever.

I don’t think it’s mean and twisted. Your mother will cause a rift between your children if she’s not careful. Your mother should divide her estate equally, in my view, and you are then free to leave yours to your children (or one child if you feel so inclined, not something I’d do personally).
FWIW my husband and I are high earners. My sister is a nurse.
Our other sibling is somewhere in between.
My mother told me recently that we are all executors and her estate is divided equally between the 3 of us. I agree with this. My sister chose to become a nurse, knowing it pays badly. I chose to go into a high paying corporate profession, something I have never really enjoyed, purely because I wanted to “be rich”. I shouldn’t be punished for that choice.

I would say the most important things to remember are:

It’s not “fair” to compensate for poor life choices of children, particularly to the child who made “good” choices.

Many people - and your children may be part of this - see inheritance as a sign of who is important to the deceased. Why encourage your dd to hold the view her grandmother loved her brother more than her.

In every case I have met where parents have “given to the one who needs it” rather than equally, it’s always been the boys who “needs it”.

(rather than advising your mother to leave money to your ds, could you advise your ds that perhaps saddling himself with extra debt of a masters only to take a low paying career may not lead to long term happiness and security?)

I think it’s not your business or decision. And £££ does not equal happiness. As long as your DS is not in the throes of poverty he could be every bit as happy as your DD.

So what happens if your brother and his partner have children before they inherit? It’s only fair to share it out even more to include all grandchildren then?

I would prioritise your son over your brother personally

DD might not see any of that money, it isn't her inheritance and she isn't entitled to any of it if they get divorce.

I'd advise my mum to give them an equal share.

I will echo - you say you don’t need the money - BUT what of your circumstances change? You need carers? You fancy a world tour?

Stop worrying about everyone else and actually look after yourself first.

Strange the money would be going to only the male members of the family, either her brother, or her son. 🤔

As her dd apparently 'bagged a rich guy'. 🤔

And how come the male members of the family are all worse off making bad financial decisions? It wouldn't be because they have been pandered to I hope.

The fairest thing to do is to split it between all children/ grandchildren equally.

I’m married to someone whose parents are millionaires. His parents have specified that everything goes straight to their grandchildren because we have everything we need. This is also partly because they see it as a way of protecting their money from potential unknowns for example one of their children (my DH) gets divorced, and DIL (me) meets new partner who then benefits from their money.

Whats if your daughters in laws do the same? You cant ask your mother to base her will on an outcome that is entirely out of her control.

Hope this helps xx

but AIBU to try and even things out?

You're being very unreasonable to use the promise of your mother's estate to "even things out" @Fetafettish

Help your DS if you want, but don't cut your DD out.

You're even MORE unreasonable to seek actively to disinherit your daughter. She's as much a member of her birth family as her brother!!!

You might want to reflect on why you think your DS's life choices are more deserving than your DD's.

By DBro and SIL are rolling in it compared to me.

I would be horrified and embarrassed if my parents or grandparents will favoured me over my Db. And feel compromised and patronised.

I think your mum should divide her legacy equally. What you do with it is your choice. Your DC’s choices may change. You shouldn’t give up your share because you will pass in wealth to your children.