My children’s unequal futures

it should be 50;50 to both kids equal

if she got divorced/didnt marry or got cut out - how would you feel then after saying do not let her have a penny?

They are not even engaged yet, anything could happen.

I think the money should be split between you and your brother, with a higher percentage to him if that’s what you want to do, then you should split the money equally between your DC.

Relying on your daughter’s partner to make her future is unreasonable. Keep it in the family.

I think post explains why I think the split should be equal as well as one of your posts further down.

Your son and his partner have chosen careers that dont pay well.

It is their own choice. But it is your daughter who will pay for that choice.

And your mum will be funding that choice.

I was also given less by my parents as " I didn't need it" cos I had " a better job". And my siblings need more help.

What I do have is a job I hate that I wish I could quit and leave but have no choice but to keep working for now. I don't have a choice because no one is funding my choices or my ability to make a " bad choice".

Same with your brother further down. You say your mum and you keep giving him money- that's partly why he needs so much cash from you. No matter how much you give him he will always need more. Same with your son- he has made the choice tp have that career and same with his partner- it is their choice.

And by funding that choice you are likely putting them on the path to rely on more funding for their " bad choices"

My.mum helped my younger brother with his mortgage. Helped with deposit. And then helped him pat it off years early. He goes on regular holidays abroad etc which is fine. His mortgage has been paid off for nearly 10 years.

All the time I've been paying off a huge mortgage and moved house about 4 years ago into a suitable house for the family. Still paying off the mortgage got 20 years on it.

But my brother complains how he can't afford to move house into a house with a drive and back garden- he's currently in a huge 4 bed terrace. Small back yard. And complains how mum pushed him I to buying the wrong house and now no one will help him buy the next house. ( After enough bad decisions mum finally decided to stop funding his crap decisions. He actuallybought a holidayhouse abroad.)

He never had to struggle to buy his first house and doesn't have the ability to save and work to move up the housing ladder off his own back.

Think you can tell this is a sore subject for me.

Your daughter will probably resent you. And you don't know what can happen in the future. I could fall sick tomorrow and my family would have to sell the house and our lifestyle would change. ( I've got insurance so the house will be paid off). But my parents weren't to know any of this when I was at University.

I have my own money, I don’t need to rely on my husbands. You are making a lot of decisions for your daughter based purely on her marrying someone and then him inheriting family money? Can’t you see how much could go wrong with that?

My parents just want to know that when they’re not here their son and his kids have a roof over their head. I can understand this, I’d feel the same.

But why does your brother and his kids not have a roof over their heads? And why is that either your or your parents responsibility? And how would you feel if your DD ended up without a roof over her head and all your share of the inheritance had gone to your son?

Whatever she leaves should be split evenly between you and your brother, or both of you and all the grandchildren if she prefers. If someone (you) decides to gift their share to someone in more need, then that's up to them.

Speak for yourself I suppose?

My parents do help my sister out, but what they do is to do everything for her, including things like organising her insurances (and paying for it), giving her money for a new car and so on. Meanwhile her husband sits at home most of the time, working part time and refusing to spend any money because he'd rather save it.

Then they'll tell me what they've done and say "we thought about asking if you needed anything but we know you don't.

My mum once even said she'd be giving up work to do childcare if my sister had a baby. I have a child, this was never offered and when I (accidentally because I was shocked) said where was that offer for me she said "you can afford childcare".

It's not about the financial support, it's about the fact it's considered we don't need any support because we made "better choices". That feels unfair to me, as much as I don't want to feel like that because we are very self sufficient. The point is it just feels like being punished for earning more money and being more "capable".

YABU. While it is obviously up to your mother since it’s her money, if she is asking your opinion, then I think you should suggest that if there is any money left after care, that it should be divided equally between you and your brother.

Then if and when you eventually receive your half of any inheritance, you can then decide who needs that money the most at that time - your brother, your son, your daughter or even yourself. Anyone’s financial circumstances can change in even just a few years, so that would seem to me both the most logical and as well as the “fairest” thing to do.

Honestly I would level the playing field. My Nana did, and it didn’t cause any issues, but I really think it depends on the people involved. My mum’s siblings knew in advance my mum was getting more and understood - a bunch kids on a council estate vs no kids, owned their own homes. I can see how it could cause issues, but to be honest I wouldn’t want my mum to split evenly because at the end of the day me and my siblings are not equal financially. Me and DB own our homes and are pretty financially secure, some of my other siblings less so. I know we won’t be getting an even share, the only thing I actually care about getting is some sentimental things that are explicitly left to me.

My siblings and I have ended up with a huge disparity in money. I am the poorest and I don't care. I'm also much happier than my poor sibling who has married a millionaire who drinks like a fish and is hugely damaged from childhood. Sibling also earns a fortune on top of spousal inheritance.

I suspect I may inherit from an aunt but I will still split it between my siblings and I if I do. I couldn't not share it equally.

So I would let the chips fall where they may and let people decide how to do their will themselves tbh.

He only way for parent to ever split their money/assets between their dc's is equally imo. I have 5 dc's and no matter what position they're in when I get old everything will be split 5 ways.

Anything else will potentially cause huge problems. Don't get involved.

I just do not see it like this at all.

DHs parents are like you, and won't help out his sister with really basic things, like money to fix her car because they feel they should give us the same and no amount of "we don't need it" seems to be getting through to them. Actually really fucks off DH and I. We aren't in a position to help them out ourselves (especially as my siblings need similar help) but his parents are but won't for fear of "being unfair" where's as DH and I strongly believe in "to each person their need". Thankfully my dad feels the same as me so helping out my siblings is something he does when they need it.

By doing this you’re giving a big ‘fuck you’ to your daughter and are being incredibly naive to think it won’t cause a rift. You are placing a value judgement on your son and his choices that means your daughter is essentially going to be subsidising his career choice. It’s his choice to go into lower paying (for now)- there are plenty of very successful people in lower paid sectors who do very well financially either through rising up and taking on senior posts or moving. You can’t judge future prospects by their position in their 20s. By trying to equalise you risk making things much worse.

How would you feel if your son got a massive leg up over your daughter and he went on to be a COO of a charity earning well (just as an example) and your daughter divorced and she was stuck as a single parent with limited earning potential with the inheritance held in a trust she didn’t have access to.

I agree with those saying you don't know what will happen in the future. My colleague was planning to go to her cousin's wedding this weekend. He and his girlfriend had just bought a house they were planning to start a family. Today she went to his funeral.

You don't know if DD's bf will inherit. You don't know if they will still be together. You can't plan for stuff like that.

Personally I think everything should be as equal as possible.

But that was your choice.
If she'd left you a teapot and them £300k, and you hadn't asked, how would you have felt?

Exactly. Although in that poster's position I'd have probably accepted money and given it to my daughter if I didn't need it.

I think the huge difference is you discussed and voluntarily requested it. I think I'll feel very differently about my parents' inheritance because it's something we've discussed beforehand - I told them to give me less or none compared to my siblings who really need it. When it's not requested, it can come as tacit abandonment.

But that was your choice.

If she'd left you a teapot and them £300k, and you hadn't asked, how would you have felt?

I agree.

I have agreed on many things just to keep things peaceful. On the odd times I have stood up I have been told I was selfish and ended up with bad feelings.
I can look back and still see that I was not being selfish, but was asking, often not even for equals, just not such a big discrepancy. Just because I was seen as the easy one, and that things came easily to me, I was always expected to step back.
And the effort I put in was dismissed as luck.

But most of the time I swallowed my hurt and agreed.

This would be something that however much you protested, it would feel to me that you didn't see me as an equal person.

This.

I genuinely couldn't care less if my parents leave me everything they have or there's nothing left.

What does get to me, as much as I don't want it to, is the implication that my sister is more deserving of help than me, because I made different (they think better but depends on your POV I guess) choices.

Why is me being able to provide well for myself and my family, and having chosen a DH who does the same, a reason to support me less?

All my grandparents have died. My beloved grandmother was the last to go. When discussing inheritance I requested the money and financial assets be given to the others (including my cousin's) and that get the tea caddy, a specific photo album and an ornamental granny in a rocking chair. When she died, she'd honoured my wishes and I'm so glad she did. My siblings have no idea I did not receive the money they did.

So no, it won't necessarily cause a rift.

My parent died last year and has unexpectedly divided their estate into thirds, giving two thirds to my younger sibling and the remaining to me. It was explained that it was because I had a steady job and was a homeowner and they had a child. Whilst I understand this on a rational level it has really upset me. It's as if am being penalised for decades of hard work in a really high pressure public sector role. I will end up no better off than my sibling who chose the path of least resistance work wise and I will likely have to retire much later because of this too. But much more than this, it is hard not to see this as a cruel act of favouritism. My advice - always split equally if you don't want a family rift.

This.

I've seen it in my own family. My mother was omitted from her father's will, with no explanation, and no obvious reason (except she married a very wealthy man). Her other siblings simply pooled & re-divided what parts of my grandfather's estate which could be pooled & divided.

It was awful to see my mother's bewilderment about this silent disinheriting. And luckily her siblings didn't think "Oh, she doesn't need it because she married a rich man." They saw inheriting from their shared father as part of being a family - symbolic and actual.