My children’s unequal futures

My Dad is/was a lawyer. A corporate lawyer but he did a lot of wills and estates for friends/families/employees etc pro bono. He always says that even families of whom you would never expect it can fall out over money. Not because they are greedy but things can happen: someone can need medical care, one of the kids needs a special school, someone else’s partner can be difficult etc etc. Based on his experience he was always determined to split his assets totally equally between his children.

You are meddling and being too controlling. You have no idea what the future holds for either generation certainly in terms of anyone’s health, accidents etc and need to massively back off.

Honestly? I think your mother and you should both leave your assets equally to your offspring. That way you can decide whether to help your brother and your son during your life, but when you die there are no hard feelings.

Why is it? My eldest son lives in my mother’s home with her, and he would have no where to live when she dies, and cannot afford to buy on his single salary. He would also have to care for my mums large dogs, who couldn’t live in a flat. I could do with that inheritance myself as I don’t own my own home yet but I want all 3 of my DC to have their own homes. So I should take the inheritance for myself and leave my DS1 to struggle for somewhere to live, because DS1 and DD are fortunate enough to inherit from dad’s side. It’s funny how the world of mumsnet works as everyone i’ve spoken to in the real world thinks it’s a nice thing to do, not horrid. This is one odd place where looking out for your child is classed as horrid.

Op shit happens in life. Anything could happen. The wedding could fall though. Your Mum should split equally between you and brother.
And in time you should split equally between your kids.

Even where people don't need the money unequal splits can cause resentment.
I know a family where the sibling who did all the running around, sorting care homes, etc etc was deemed not to need anything in favour of the sibling who'd made duff choices and lived further away.
15 years later and the relationship is still very strained.

There are too many uncertainties in your scenario. I would ask your DM to make a will splitting everything equally between you and your DB, on the understanding that when she dies, in light of the situation at that time, you will have the option to write a deed of variation redistributing your half where it is needed.

Then you can put off worrying about it until the situation arises.

Op didn’t get the answer she was seeking. She will justify her decision for golden balls to inherit, and she will no doubt remind her dd about the superficiality of money without pausing to consider the enormous damage this will do in the medium term. She has not considered her poor dd even once in this thread, and how this will feel to her. Choosing to ignore the obvious pain she will cause.

So brazenly displaying her favouritism even in the glowing terms of ds’ wonderful job and education. Truly disgusting.

Your children choose their own paths, partners for richer or poorer. It’s up to them and it’s not for you to intervene and try to equalize. Nor is it for you to try and determine how your mother leaves her assets.

You do not know what the future holds for either of them. Please don’t interfere. Meddling will create rifts, resentment, comparison and misunderstanding.

Nope.

actually (when I had it) he didn’t access mine.

Also op? If you constantly try and even people up they stop taking account of the consequences of their decisions.

Your DS has made a choice to accept a partner earning little. Its not up to you to "even that out".

Is there any reason your son can't work hard to develop his own career and earn well in his own right? Instead of focussing on who's marrying money encourage them to earn their own.

You’ve also not factored in your son’s ability to ‘marry well’ he’s legally single just like your daughter. Just starting out in career. Assuming current gf is from school or uni lots of young couples grow apart. He could be married to someone with a highly paid career or inheritance before your dd marries.

The engagement or marriage could fall apart, leaving your dd with no security. It's your mum's choice obviously, but the fairest option is to provide evenly for all the children. I wouldn't discourage her from this

This

Its depressing somewhat, but you've given them the same opportunities and they have made different choices, your DS has obviously accepted his partners lower ambitions/poorer prospects. Its his life to live.

Sounds like you favour your son and value his choices more then your daughter's

@Fetafettish she should leave it all to your brother then after reading your posts. That is what she wanted to do with it after all.

IMO you shouldn’t be suggesting your mum leaves it all to your brother.

you should take your share and then do as you wish with it.

But if that wish is support your children that should be equal too.

it would help your DS get in the property ladder and your DD can so what she feel fit with hers.

Horrid

You made an assumption that her boyfriend’s family have a business.. and I disagree with you. Money IS just about cash, not hierarchy. My db may have no money but he’s every bit as important in the family.

Hmmm, still very defensive OP.

You wrote this: Dd is about to get engaged to her boyfriend of 5 years who, as an only child will inherit a multi million empire,

Whether or not it's a business is beside the point. And yes, you ARE planning to advise your mother to disinherit your daughter. You wrote this:

My brother needs money desperately whereas I don’t, so I have told her to leave everything to him, but am now thinking I should tell her to leave at least some of my share to my ds, her grandson?

So you are planning to advise your mother to leave money to her son and grandson, but omit her granddaughter. That's disinheritance, as far as I can see. And you are speaking for her in a way that allows you to claim the moral high ground at no cost.

Those of us talking about the symbolic value of money/wills/estates in families are NOT equating money with love. That's a crude and crass assumption. But I've seen enough of money in families (if you're born into money, one does see these things differently, perhaps) to know that, as a PP said really wisely above, a parent's will is their last act of care for their descendants. It doesn't matter whether that will is about £1000 or several millions of pounds or the dog. It's what that symbolises about position in the family, recognition, care.

I can't help wondering whether there's some guilt here or something? Your motivations & thinking are quite odd. You seem unconsciously patriarchal: you don't need the money (you married money?) and your daughter doesn't "need" the money as she's "marrying well", but the two men in your mother's life - son and grandson, do? Because, of course, Heaven forfend that the women in your family are richer than the men ...

And you won't disclose why your brother can't provide for himself, to the extent that he needs ALL his mother's estate.

Regardless of my adult sons personal circumstances our will be divided equally between them. I would never favour one over the other, that just seems unfair to me.

Like I've said many times, it's not the money, is it. It's the message that comes with it. That we are less deserving of support, be it financial or practical or emotional, because we've done different things.

Who need enemies with a maman like thus.

I have 3 DC that will have different financial futures. My eldest was born when I was 16, and his father has never been in his life.

DS2 and DD have a father in their life (my ex) who is very much making plans for them to have a sizeable house deposit in future. None need to take a student loan. Their grandmother on their dad’s side isn’t exactly rich, but she owns a house in North London that is in a terrible state, but worth well over 1 million. She also sold land overseas, so when she dies (definitely will not be care home fees as it’s not done in their culture, someone will end up caring for her, maybe some in home care at a push) ex DP is planning to pass his inheritance straight to DS2 and DD to help them with cost of buying in London. I mean they may already have a home by then, his mother isn’t that old but isn’t in great health.

When my mum dies, assuming no care home (could well be) then I am planning to give my share to DS1 for housing. DS2 and DD will totally understand, and I’d like to suggest DS1 leaves his home to his siblings in his will (assuming no spouse / DC) to even things up. Even if he doesn’t, I know they will be fine about it as they will be more than taken care of and they know it doesn’t mean I love DS1 anymore, just they’ve been fortunate to not have to worry about money as much due to their dad. I will make sure they have some money from my mum’s estate as she’s made it clear she wants her 6 GC to have something, but it will be far from even on my side.

You keep saying this:

not to equate money with love.

It's not the money. It's the message that comes with the money.

For your daughter, it would be "you chose to marry a rich man so you don't deserve what your brother got". Or "I have more respect for your brother's choices" (which came across in one of your posts talking about following passions).

For me, with how my parents do things, it's "you chose to work your arse off to have the lifestyle you want, your sister decided to work in a shop so we think she should get more". I didn't follow a passion because all my passions come with very little income and I also wanted to independent and be able to provide for my family. In your world, that demands less respect because I chose a career I am very good at but is not a passion.

Just give your children the same message as one another. That they're both worth the same to you and you respect both their choices in life.

My DH also regularly says that my sister is being taught she can't support herself, because by being told she needs the help constantly, she's come to believe it. Don't do your son that disservice while telling your daughter with your actions she deserves less from her family.

Your poor dd is going to need her money for the years of therapy down the track for having a mother like you op. You seem adamant that your inequality is acceptable - it really is not. You will ruin your family if you continue with this ill considered plan.

Your son’s ‘noble’ job was his choice. So are the financial differences between them. Your son might go to do incredible things - why don’t you believe he is capable of managing his own future and prospects? Read back your posts. The jaundiced way you refer to your dd makes me wonder if you are envious of her.

Unless you are so wealthy your children will never want for anything, you are being unbelievably self-centred (not selfish - different thing) telling your mother to leave everything to your brother.

If she chooses to do that you can't do anything about it. But instructing her to? For fuck's sake think about your children.