My children’s unequal futures

Hard to know if I would have felt differently if this had been discussed when we were much younger.

my parents were older when they had him and we were like mothers to him versus sisters so my gut is that I wouldn’t have felt differently .
I think I would just feel relief that he would be looked after ( and be glad that I didn’t have to worry about it after they were gone which I absolutely would have in their absence.
We’re a very close family though and I just never see us falling out over money no matter what my parents did .

That's fine, you can say that about yourself. But surely you wouldn't encourage someone to leave one of your own children out?

@lizzyBennet08- how old were you all then? It does feel rather different to make those decisions about who “needs” the money when everyone’s in their 40s/50s, settled down, established (or not) careers, bought houses (or not), completed families and know if any of those dcs will have additional needs that mean they’ll need long term provision or not etc.

Very different to the OP deciding her 20-something ds (who has only just graduated from his masters and just started working, is dating -not married/engaged - a woman who currently isn’t earning much) that he’ll definitely not be able to fund a good lifestyle for himself but we equally young dd is set for no financial issues due to being engaged to a man who stands to inherit a lot.

I received an inheritance from my aunt and uncle which was very equally divided - 20% of the estate to each sibling, and 5% of the estate to each niece/nephew. I believe one sibling gave some of theirs to help one nephew out further. If it's split equally, beneficiaries could agree to give some of their inheritance to another family member, but it would start if off fairly. My dad has given some of his to me and my siblings, as he didn't feel he needed that much money.

Exactly this. Also who's to say the daughters relationship will go through distance and might need financial assistance of her own if the marriage doesn't work out. She might be asked to sign a pre nup. Inheritance should be shared equally regardless of current situation.

I don't know why so many people can't see the difference between you asking your parents to do something and your parents just deciding one of you is "more deserving".

It's very different someone telling their parents to do that, and the parents doing it off their own bat.

If you say to do it, then presumably you've all decided that would be the best use of money (although I hope it was all deciding individually, rather than the dominant sibling announcing this is a good idea and the others feeling that they have to agree). This doesn't mean that the parents don't value the siblings differently.
Someone else deciding can be equated to the amount they value the different people, or making assumptions about lifestyle/amount of money etc.

If parents say that's what they're going to do then the disinherited sibling is put in an awkward position as if they say they're not happy about it, then they can look (and be accused) of being uncaring towards sibling, greedy etc. So they'll keep quiet.
So often they will be put in the position of having to look like they're happy about it, while feeling very hurt.

honestly I’m on the other side of this. One of six with my younger brother being worse off than the rest of us for various reasons. Weve all told our parents to leave him the bulk of their estate as we want him to be able to buy a home like we all have done.
its only on Mumsnet that inheritance have to be strictly equal regardless of the wealth of the kids.

I would never begrudge my brother anything and honestly think less of those who in similar circumstances begrudge a sibling.

I'm not reading the whole lot but I'd stay out of it. Hopefully your daughter will have a good life and your son will find his feet but fortunes can change. Tell your mother to make her own decisions. Hopefully your daughter won't but people can find themselves in hard times after marrying well

What it really all boils down to is that you as a family clearly care about eachother a lot and see eachother as a whole unit or even tight community who need to work together and prop up member who falls down. That is nothing but highly commendable and honestly enviable for many people. The discussion of money has already started to complicate your family dynamics it seems, and no actions have even been made yet.
I would simplify this completely seeing as nothing can be predicted. For your mum’s Will, just put her mind at rest, leave at least half to you and be safe in the knowledge you will always be there financially for your brother, and you will section out finances accordingly to the needs of all family members with your own Will.

Irrespective of inheritance, it's not common for siblings to have identical lives or financial parity once they grow up.

They made different financial choices to us and spent money on luxuries we went without. They wanted a bigger house so went to her parents and they obliged with a large sum of money. DHs parents ‘asked’ DH beforehand if he minded them giving most of his inheritance away now to help his sister. Of course he said yes to keep the peace, sister was ready to make an offer on a house, they’d already planned to give it to her.

DH is a very pragmatic person and gets why his parents did what they did. We have discussed it many times and he has tried to rationalise it; we weren’t ever expecting to inherit from anyone, we have everything we need, his sister has always ‘needed more help’, he’s more independent, etc. But DH still feels really shit about it, like she’s the favourite, he is less of a concern to them, his needs are unimportant, they don’t really like him.

This is why I dislike the parable of the Prodigal Son. This can often happen in families - people who ask are given, and those who just get on with things are overlooked.

It sounds like your DH is a coper @Goatinthegarden and his parents take that for granted. Really sorry to read his story - will he ever say anything to his parents now it's done & dusted?

This is a nice cautionary tale (albeit not entirely relevant) however people on MN will be offended by your assertion that this woman’s figure and social life were more important to her than having children. You have NO IDEA whether she tried for years, had losses, etc etc. Perhaps that’s why she’s so bitter and sad. Even if she just didn’t want children because she enjoyed her life, that is a completely valid decision and has no bearing on her morality!!

Surely the simple answer is to ask your suggest to your mum to leave you whatever proportion she thinks appropriate. 50/50 with your brother seems the correct figure regardless of your own financial standing.

Then when the time comes that you DS needs help the money is there accordingly for YOU to make a balanced decision. You can see how your DD life pans out in the long run and decide one way or another if you want to help her out too.

I would always encourage equality - no one knows what the future holds. As others have said to treat siblings unfairly could cause resentments and rifts and that is the last thing you would want to happen.

I have a friend who's sister married into a very wealthy family, her husband is very wealthy- her sister who we thought had the better end of the deal most definitely didn't and my lovely friend most definitely became the better person for it. We saw her sister becoming judgemental and spoilt, snooty and for all senses of the word a complete snob. All the riches in the world didn't do for her.

When their own parents died in a tragic accident - they didn't have a great deal to leave them - but the split was share evenly. My friend's sister just wanted the money and sold everything left to her and frittered all the money away within months on designer this and that, socialising, etc. Whereas my friend invested what little money there was in a small business idea and kept the few treasured possessions.

My friend's business grew so much that within just a few years she was able to sell it and has since taken early retirement with her husband and children and they can live comfortably in a beautiful home. They will have no future worries.

Her sister never worked after marriage, eventually found out her husband had multiple affairs, she'd signed some well-crafted pre-nup and after an acrimonious divorce has ended up lonely and financially in ruins with few friends because of her vile behaviour, and no children, because her figure and social life were always more important to her than having any family. It's so incredibly sad.

However, my lovely friend, is so lovely, that she has helped her sister out because she has remained such a beautiful soul and still cares so much for her sister - despite how her sister has treated her in the past.

I would always split things fair and square - you never know what might happen!

There's a lot of 'what ifs' and 'whataboutisms' from mumsnetters in this post. To be honest, if your dd prospective inlaws have sat them down and discussed the will, I doubt very much she would be left with nothing even in the event of a prenupt. Personally, I think you all sound like a lovely supportive family. Maybe do what your mum did and ask your dd what she thinks you should do. I have a friend living in a house bought by his parents but it's going to be left to all three kids. This was with the agreement of all three as my friend has disability which will prevent him ever doing a high earning job. When the kids get married, there will be a prenupt about this house only so the house won't be considered in any divorce ensuring they always have somewhere to live. For the 'whatiffers', yes they could all fall out but then again, they might not 🤞 On a side note, I wrote mumsnutters by accident, was it autocorrect or subliminal typing?

I'm sure your daughter would want to earn her own money in her own right than sponge off a rich husband all her life. It's his money not hers. Your kids should be treated equally by family no matter what their external circumstances are.

Like others I think DM should share her assets in her will as she sees fit. Personally we will leave ours equally between our two. We cannot possibly know how ‘equal’ their futures will be: one could marry a millionaire who then loses the lot on the stock market, one could invent an apparently innocuous gadget and earn a fortune, one may have significant MH issues/an accident/illness and never work at all. Any and all of this could happen long before or after I’ve popped my mortal coil. I can’t know.

We’ve given to them equally during their lives in terms of investment in education, extra curricular stuff, uni (from next year), saved-up deposits for their first houses when they come to buy. After that what they achieve in their lives in terms of home ownership, annual income, career choice is up to them. It’s not my place to make it fair when I die. Until then, they have my equal and unwavering love and support.

If your Mum is asking then why not suggest leaving some of your share to both of your children equally? That way there’s no upset but it will help one have more future security.

My DH's grandfather left his house to only one of his DSs - he had his reasons. The DBs never spoke again. Caused a terrible rift in the family. Years later one is dead, the other with advanced dementia in a care home. It just seems so sad and pointless.

It’s impossible not to feel that way. There might be the odd example of a multi multi millionaire not caring, but the majority of people would be extremely hurt wherever the circumstances, it is a deep wounding that is hard to recover from. Almost irreparable, I don’t know any parent that would knowingly inflict that on their child, but some do sadly.

A viewpoint. DH and I are very comfortable but not rich. DH’s sister is also comfortable but not rich.

DH and I both work full time. We thought carefully about where to buy a house, with no help from anyone, and prioritised paying it off. We went without luxuries at times to do so, and have done jobs we’d rather not have done. We’re now financially stable and although DH earns well, he is desperately planning to find a way out of his job he has done for 25 years which really grinds him down. DH’s sister is a sahm to one child who is 9, she worked part time for years before having her. Her husband earns well. They made different financial choices to us and spent money on luxuries we went without. They wanted a bigger house so went to her parents and they obliged with a large sum of money. DHs parents ‘asked’ DH beforehand if he minded them giving most of his inheritance away now to help his sister. Of course he said yes to keep the peace, sister was ready to make an offer on a house, they’d already planned to give it to her.

DH is a very pragmatic person and gets why his parents did what they did. We have discussed it many times and he has tried to rationalise it; we weren’t ever expecting to inherit from anyone, we have everything we need, his sister has always ‘needed more help’, he’s more independent, etc. But DH still feels really shit about it, like she’s the favourite, he is less of a concern to them, his needs are unimportant, they don’t really like him.

I think it’s hard not to feel like that when one child’s needs are put first.

Well, she could leave you your equal share to do with what you wish. You could then speak to your kids and ask what they would like to do. They might say… whoever needs it sooner would have theirs, and anyone who doesn’t need it now might want to put their share into savings or a trust in case they have children? Or for you to keep hold of in case anything happened.

the best thing to do is all sit down and discuss it together, as a family, with your mum too.
I hope this doesn’t happen but if your mum needs long term care there might not be much left anyway… but talk to each other…!

How would you feel in ten years if your daughter was divorced and walked away from the marriage with nothing (prenup), and your son split with his current partner and ended up with someone very wealthy?

It’s not. It’s exactly what you are doing. Why are the bars for sons so so low?