Ruining hen surprise for the bride?

You might not get the most representative responses on here because most of MN hates hen dos with the passion of a thousand suns and resents the idea of spending more than twenty quid for a night down their local pub so will already be pre-disposed to vote against you for having the temerity to try and organise anything bigger.

But, personally I agree with you. Even if I wasn't 100% sure if some/all of the hen was a surprise or not, it's so common for SOMETHING to be a surprise then I'd not risk saying anything. IMO the fact that people might be going to multiple hens and be in several group chats as a pp suggested, would make it more likely I'd be cautious of what I said, not less, because being vague makes it easier for yourself rather than remembering who knows what and what's happening for which hen. Her apology was fine without it, saying 'I'm sure you'll enjoy (specific activity) added nothing more than "I'm sure you'll have an amazing time," would have.

Someone did this and ruined the surprise DH had organised, booked and paid for with all my friends for a big birthday of mine.
It wasn’t intentional, she was just clueless I hadn’t know about it, although why she didn’t wonder why he had messaged and invited her, rather than me, is anyone’s guess.

Anyhow, I feel your frustration op. I hope the bride isn’t too disappointed that the cats out of the bag though.

If the bride has left the group then I think it’s pretty obvious it is a secret. I think messaging her to say you can’t come is fine but saying the actual activity was a dick move tbh.

Most of the problems are because people can't keep their gobs shut - we have lost discretion a long time ago. No, you have every right to be annoyed. But like with some people, it is necessary to say 'no, you don't put your feet on the table', it is necessary to say 'be discreet'. Sad state of affairs.

It's not till August, just do something else.

What an twat! She was incredibly stupid. Yes, hen do’s are generally a surprise, or at least have surprise elements. Ugh you’re right to be really pissed off.
But yes, you probably should have specified, but equally, she should have kept her mouth shut and just said “sorry, won’t be able to make it, have fun!”

I would literally NEVER assume that a bride knew everything that was going on unless she was planning it herself.

That's literally how hen dos work and always have. The replies to this thread are mainly mental.

I wouldn’t have noticed the bride leaving the group.

Any groups like this I’ve been in have had a message ‘pinned’ at the top which would say it’s a surprise or a secret or whatever.

Sorry OP, this one’s on you!

If I was the bride I would much rather know what was being organised even if it was only a week before just so I could get some bits sorted. Eg wellies for a festival. I don’t think people like surprises where they have absolutely no notice anyway.
It sounds like a lovely hen do away so I’m sure that’s all that matters

I don’t think I’d have thought it was a surprise unless I was told. Not sure though. It surely doesn’t matter though. You can surprise her with funny outfits or something instead. I don’t think there is any need for anyone to feel bad about it.

I’ve never been to a secret one so I could’ve easily made the mistake too. X

I am on six million and one WhatsApp groups many of which I keep on mute unless I need to check dates for an event or similar.

there is absolutely no way I would have noticed the bride leaving the group, or assumed from that that the whole event was a surprise.

What a ball ache that would be. Planning a hen is a pain to start with without changing it all.

It’s not really a shock that an adult would assume the bride knew the plans but I can never understand why a bride needs to be surprised on their own hen.

Can you change it ,to come up with a different suprise

I'd assume that was done deliberately

If the bride isn't in the group then they won't know surely?

I have never been to one where any element pf a hen do was a surprise other than of we did a batch of joke presents for the bride so I would have probably said enjoy the massage/cocktail making/paintballing etc when letting a bride know that I was sorry I wouldn't be able to make it.

If the whole event was to be a surprise then when the bride left the group (which I may not have noticed) I would have probably indicated XYZ are to be surprises for the bride so please keep mum.

I wouldn't have assumed it was secret, but I would have checked first if I was going to say something to the bride about any of the activities

I think you needed to make it clear it was a secret

I absolutely detest surprises. If I’d have had a traditional sort of hen event, I’d probably have started the organisation or booking off myself, so I’d definitely have known the plan.

No, I wouldn't have assumed it was a surprise for the bride. Especially not a big thing like a festival.

And you didn't state it was a surprise at all, let alone "1000%".