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Original poster

Ruining hen surprise for the bride?

165 replies

Faylor · 28/05/2025 13:24

I’m just curious. If I was the idiot for not specifying. In Aug it’s my best friend’s hen which I am organising alongside her cousin. We were told who was on the guest list and sent out a group msg.

Someone in the group messaged the bride separately saying “I can’t make it but have fun at x, I’m sure Y (random expensive activity) will be a lot of fun”. Who the fuck does that?? We’re surprising bride with festival - paying for her etc.

It’s assumed the hen do is a surprise right? The tone of the message was very much I'm organising it. Let’s celebrate the bride and spoil her.

We’ve forked out a lot of cash and I’m incredibly annoyed.

Looking back I should have been 1000% clear. But it’s the done thing to assume the bride doesn’t know, right?

OP posts:
BrummieGinge889 · 28/05/2025 14:32

I've only been to one hen which was meant to be a surprise and it was a bit of a disaster tbh.

Every other hen I have been to or know of, the hen was consulted, even if not on the WhatsApp group.

spoonbillstretford · 28/05/2025 14:30

Yes, I do think you need to be clear on the surprise element.

Then I'd be worried for the next few months about accidentally blurting something out.

Deliveredit · 28/05/2025 14:29

How has the bride responded? Laughed about it? Or get in an arse about it?

riverislanjeans · 28/05/2025 14:24

yeesh · 28/05/2025 13:55

If the bride has left the group then I think it’s pretty obvious it is a secret. I think messaging her to say you can’t come is fine but saying the actual activity was a dick move tbh.

This.

WiddlinDiddlin · 28/05/2025 14:21

Whether she knew or not, its not generally OK to discuss things from one group, in another, or privately.

She should at the very least have checked before messaging the bride.

CapitalAtRisk · 28/05/2025 14:18

Nottodaythankyou123 · 28/05/2025 14:16

Every hen do I’ve been on has been a surprise for the bride 🤷🏼‍♀️

Show quote history

Every hen do I've been on hasn't been a surprise for the bride 🤷🏼‍♀️

YourWildAmberSloth · 28/05/2025 14:18

A hen do is one event that I would assume that the bride knew - it wouldn't have crossed my mind that it would be a surprise tbh.

Deliveredit · 28/05/2025 14:17

Faylor · 28/05/2025 13:36

Friend’s specified her only requirement was for it to be a surprise 😂

I hold my hands up.

Good because given it was her only stipulation….

Noluthando · 28/05/2025 14:16

I did this with a hen do email thread. Should have realised but I'd not been to any previous surprise hen dos. Bride found it funny.

Nottodaythankyou123 · 28/05/2025 14:16

Faylor · 28/05/2025 13:33

I’ve only been to hens where it’s been a surprise for the hen. Probably affected my judgement

Every hen do I’ve been on has been a surprise for the bride 🤷🏼‍♀️

Deliveredit · 28/05/2025 14:15

presumably this is a close friend of the OP’s who she really likes

so resume it was a complete accident and not her trying to ruin anything

but yes… you should have been clear

i knee where my hen was, but there was a separate WhatsApp group just arranging logistics.

BobbyBiscuits · 28/05/2025 14:15

I would not assume the bride was unaware. If I was the bride I wouldn't want to be taken by surprise by a trip somewhere I wasn't expecting, even if it was fun.

I think you should've specified it was top secret and nobody must tell her. I am sure the person who said it feels awful now. Presumably they say they had no idea it was a surprise?

TotHappy · 28/05/2025 14:14

Wow, I haven't been to many hens, granted, but none of the ones I have have been a surprise. The bride organised them. Because she knew what she wanted. Maybe her bridesmaids did the nitty gritty of gathering money in, but the bride definitely organised activities/venues. Including me! So I would have done what this friend did without thinking twice.

Rewis · 28/05/2025 14:13

The ones I've been to, everything has been a secret so I'd operate under the assumption that it was a secret. However, I've learned online that some brides are very involved. But this perosn went into so much detail in their message that I think it was on purpose.

Scuttlecuttle · 28/05/2025 14:13

Sorry op but all the hen do's I've been on or organised the bride has known the key details e.g. cottage in Lake District with spa day. It's only been little details kept secret like games/photos/presents.

I would have assumed the bride had left the thread just to keep out of the hassle of the planning, with the bridesmaids keeping her informed/consulting her separately.

Sorry you are upset, it's disappointing if you were looking forward to a 'big reveal', but you will still have an amazing time and the hen will appreciate all the effort so try not to let it spoil the experience for you.

StampOnTheGround · 28/05/2025 14:09

I’ve never been to a hen do where the bride has known the plans! They may have helped with accommodation occasionally but never the plans. I’m with you OP

Gemmawemma9 · 28/05/2025 14:02

Ah ok, if you’re sure it was an accident it’s annoying but what can you do.
Is it a festival PLUS an activity while you’re there? Could you change the activity part so at least some of it is a surprise?

sweetpickle2 · 28/05/2025 14:00

I personally would have checked first, but if you didn't specify then you can't be that miffed if people didn't know.

To the PP that said sounds like this person did it deliberately- what?? If I've ever not been able to make a hen do I always message the bride separately to let them know, it's polite surely.

CapitalAtRisk · 28/05/2025 14:00

If I had even noticed that the Bride had left the group, I would have just assumed that was because she had enough going on and would be briefed by the organisers.

MrsSunshine2b · 28/05/2025 13:59

Some hen dos are a surprise, some aren't. You should have specified it was a surprise in the original messages. You will all still have fun even if the bride knows.

Endofyear · 28/05/2025 13:58

You should have been very clear that it was a surprise and ask that everyone in the group keep it secret from the bride. It was your mistake not to do this.

Oriunda · 28/05/2025 13:58

yeesh · 28/05/2025 13:55

If the bride has left the group then I think it’s pretty obvious it is a secret. I think messaging her to say you can’t come is fine but saying the actual activity was a dick move tbh.

I'm on so many wa groups that I mute many of them, so I often miss things. Someone removing themselves might easily be missed.

KIlliePieMyOhMy · 28/05/2025 13:57

I would have thought surprise.

Hayley1256 · 28/05/2025 13:56

I wouldn't assume it was a suprise but also I would have checked in the group whether she knew before messaging her directly

CandyCane457 · 28/05/2025 13:56

I’m going against the grain here and saying I would always absolutely assume it was a secret. If the bride isn’t in the WhatsApp group, and her friends/family were the ones sending the messages with plans/arrangements, I’d absolutely realise it was a surprise.
And surely you’d always check before sending a message like that. I’m with you OP, I’d be pissed off too!

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