Ruining hen surprise for the bride?

I would take that as meaning that the bride wants you to sort it out, but it still doesn't mean its a surprise. As you said, you should have specified that it was surprise. I remember ruining a birthday party surprise, because nobody thought to mention that it was a surprise party. I was sent an invitation with no RSVP details and nothing saying 'surprise party', and texted him to say that I would be there. Apparently not putting details for an RSVP was the clue.

How did the bride react to finding out about the activities? As long as she's happy with it, I would chalk it up to experience and stop blaming yourself. These things happen.

Oh gosh no, you fucked up but you know that and have acknowledged it.

Dont waste time being mad at whoever let it slip.

I’m with you, Op and would never assume. I certainly wouldn’t message the bride separately with such blatant references to the location/activity without checking first, just in case. Every hen do I have been to has either been a surprise or had elements of it being a surprise (some small, some big), so it seems like common sense to me to check what she knew and what she didn’t. You can send a perfectly lovely apology message without specifying all of the details.

It’s a shame, but I’m sure you’ll all have a lovely time regardless!

Na, I'd never assume that it was a surprise unless it was stated as such and I'm normally the most conscientious person ever. I ruined my brothers surprise 30th trip by asking him where abouts he was staying in the x region while we were at the family meal that'd been organised for him en route to the x region because I'm not a fucking mind reader. Never assume if it's that important.

Incredibly annoyed is way over the top. People are busy and don't have time always to scrutinise WhatsApp group messages. Even if the person overlooked a message from you, your reaction is excessive.

On a thread like this anyone saying "well I would have assumed it was a surprise" is completely missing the point. From the replies to this thread alone it's clear that a lot of people would not assume it's a surprise. As soon as a few people have said that, discussion is over. As in any in any situation where you know some people will think one thing and some another, it's wrong to assume anything at all. Always spell it out.

Yabu I think. I wouldn't assume surprise for grown adults. I don't get the whole surprise thing over a certain age tbh. I'd need it to be specified and would never assume

If only this were the only thing in life we needed to worry about...

Personally I think you are not being unreasonable but only because all the hens I have been to have this format so to me it’s the norm. But I suppose if she hadn’t been told it was a surprise (although the bride not being in the group is a giveaway!) then I think it was on you to tell everyone really clearly.

Only the WhatsApp group admin sees if someone leaves a group so it's assuming someone is going to go and look at the members.

I'm another who would assume the bride knew if it wasn't stated it was a surprise.

I wouldnt expect a hen do to be a surprise

If you didn't specify it was a surprise the how would anyone have known it was a surprise. A hen do is very rarely a surprise and while it's usually organised by someone else, the bride is consulted. Messaging the bride directly was the correct thing to do, it avoided any second hand message or drama that seems to accompany a hen do these days. Next time, be specific, tell people you're organising a surprise.

Whether or not hen do's should be a surprise, I hope you can see from this thread OP that plenty of people don't expect them to be.

It sucks that the surprise was spoiled, but I don't think you can criticise the friend for mentioning what the hen do was going to involve.

Not only would I have done the same as a guest and assume the bride to be was up to date on the details, I wouldn't organise anything big or specific I hadn't run by her.

If you're sure she'll enjoy it, then it doesn't matter that it was expensive and she knows. She'll still enjoy it.

I wouldn't assume it was a surprise and I would expect it to be made very clear if it was.

I’m with you OP. If the bride has left the WhatsApp group I’d at the very least check before messaging just in case. All of the hen dos I’ve been to have been either a surprise, or organised by the bride.

I didn’t know hen dos were ever a surprise so I would have put my foot in it too.

A family member had a surprise 50th party which was spoilt in the same way with someone talking to her about it as if she already knew (she hadn’t read the invitation carefully.)

I think if you wanted it to be a secret you needed to very explicitly tell everyone. It’s just a mistake. Nothing to be done now.

I had my hen do 20 years ago and I knew what was happening, I also arranged a hen do 20 years ago and the bride knew what was happening, I have been to any number of hen dos in my time including sisters, cousins, friends, acquaintances and never been to one that was a surprise to the bride.

Sorry OP I agree with others. I have never been to a hen where the bride doesn’t know so not sure you can just assume hen dos are secret. I’m not sure you can really blame someone for not explicitly knowing what may seem obvious to you. If it was that important (which let’s be honest it’s a hen do so hardly life threatening) then you should have been explicitly clear about keeping it a secret.

Leaving a group may not mean a secret but she doesn’t want to be involved, or she doesn’t want to know costs if you agreed to pay for her, or she has so much going on with the wedding she doesn’t want to be involved in details etc.

I get you are angry and frustrated but this one isn’t on your friend it’s just a misunderstanding.

I ruined a hen party surprise for a bride once because I didn't realise it was a surprise. I felt terrible but I had no idea and would always assume the bride knows what's happening unless I'm told otherwise. I was mortified (especially as I didn't know the other hens very well) and the person you're referring to in your OP could be feeling the same, so be kind. This happened to me a few years ago and I still feel bad about it.

Where does it say that? You can’t apply your own set of standards to others - I don’t see anything wrong with talking about content from one group with another!

I wouldn’t have assumed it was a surprise. In fact, I’d have assumed you’d have told people if it was a surprise. I’d have just thought you were organising it.

YABU

Given the bride isn't in the group I'd assume it was a secret. Messaging her directly like that seems deliberate. I'm on your side, OP!