Ruining hen surprise for the bride?

That’s a shame but I don’t think she has done anything wrong unless you specifically said it was a surprise. She was obviously just trying to be courteous.

I wouldn't have necessarily noticed the bride leaving the group, unless you see the first few posts you wouldn't see that happen.

I don't know if I would have sent the same message detailing exactly what you were doing, but equally I wouldn't have assumed it was a surprise. I don't even know how a multi day surprise would work for your average adult? I don't think I have ever been to a suprise hen.

I've never been on a surprise hen do nor have I heard about anyone having a surprise one. Without being told it was a surprise I could have easily done the same. As a private person I'd message the bride my apologies separately rather than share them in a group of randoms. It's easy to miss someone leaving a group or not get why, most people aren't as invested as the bride or maid of honour. Some of us got married before WhatsApp was a thing and didn't plan ours this way.

YANBU - every hen I’ve been on has been a surprise for the hen, obvs they know it’s happening but never the details. I’m organising my sister’s hen & even though she’s told me exactly what she wants down to every last detail , it’s still being organized as a ‘surprise’ as far as the rest of the group are concerned

I did this! Was invited to my friends hen, didn't clock who was/wasn't in the group as there were lots of messages and I messaged her to say "So sorry I can't make it on bla bla date but hope your hen is wonderful". Then had a FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK moment when I realised she might not even know about it. I deleted the message quickly but she'd already seen them and said not to worry that she knew the date but no details. Phewph.

It was a stupid ass thing to do but the reason I thought to message her directly is because it felt impersonal messaging the whole group (which I now realise she probably wasn't even in!).

Don't think it was malicious.
And in the nicest possible way there are bigger things in life to worry about. Let it go and just focus on enjoying the occasion.

I'm not a suprise person either so I'd inform my MOH about it when they ask for my friends contact details 😃. Also the lie told usually matches the first part of the day. In my friends case she was asked to attend a family event with her MIL and therefore she was all showered and dressed nice. If the activity would have been paintball then she would have been told something more sporty. Also, hen dos in our social group usually follow the same pattern so you don't really have to be prepared for anything. And all of that being said...are they really a suprise. If you're getting married in the last week of July and it has gotten to mid June 😅

Sorry but you are 100% at fault here. I've never been to a Hen where the bride hasn't know at least where it's happening and 50% or more of what's happening. More fool you.

Hi @HunterHearstHelmsley that doesn’t change what I said.

That’s not what that screenshot from WhatsApp is about at all.

Edited - I can see you updated!

Again as I pointed out a surprise hen do is pretty common, you'd have to be living under a rock to not know they existed just because youve never actually been on one. Iv never been on a cruise, but I know they exist!
Surely everyone knows its best to err on the side of caution in these situations. If you dont know either way whether its a surprise or not, just dont mention the details. Its not difficult to understand.

I am looking forward to the follow-up post in August saying how upset the bride is because she was not consulted on the itinerary and ungrateful the bride is because she complained.

That would have been me. I have never come across a hen do where the venue is a surprise to the hen.

So I have never been on a surprise hen do, it's not a concept I have ever experience, yet somehow I am supposed to know all about it?

And with my tiny little half a brain, as I said earlier, when the Hen left the group (if I even noticed, I'm on roughly a billion group chats) I would assume that is because (as another PP said) she doesn't need or want to be involved in all the discussions of event type/place/date/cost etc. Because she's, you know, planning a wedding!

You dont need to have been on a surprise hen do to know they happen. Anyone with half a brain can assume if a bride leaves a whatsapp group then she doesnt know the details. Id rather assume she doesnt know, than assume she does. Im not the one spoiling the surprise.

I would have assumed that the bride knew there was a hen do but not the details. I think it was thoughtless of the friend to message her with details but would have been fine to message her directly to say sorry that she was unable to make it.

Hopefully the sheer volume of surprise gone wrong threads recently will help put an end to the trend. Surprise anythings are a bad idea.

It is your fault OP. You should have warned.

Not one single hen do I have been to was a surprise. So why would I assume this one was? When it's not a thing I have ever encountered before?

This isn’t really your problem. It is matter for the bride and the person who sent the message. I wouldn’t give it another thought if I was you.

@Rewis They provide a list of what the bride needs for the day and they have x minutes to pack. Then off we go.

X mins to pack!!!
Thank you for explaining. This would be my nightmare. What if I'd needed to shave before a spa, my clothes were in the wash etc. 😬

Im with you OP. Iv been to enough hen dos to know they're usually a surprise unless the bride is in the whatsapp group or specifically organising it all herself. I think the right thing to do would be always assume surprise, why would you even risk talking to the bride and spoiling anything. But yes I guess you shouldve been more specific in the initial message too.

It wouldn't occur to me that the hen weekend is a surprise. I think this if on you for assuming. Don't blame the friend

If bride sets up a group and leaves, that could just be so she has the treat of not having to be involved in organising it. Still doesn't mean it's a surprise

I’ve accidentally done this before and let slip to the bride the location of the hen do, and then separately one of the activities. Completely innocently, wasn’t thinking at all.

life is busy, and not every single interaction is heavily thought about. Let it go and don’t let it put a downer on the event at all.

If I was organising it I would have told everyone it was a surprise and not to tell the bride but if I was going on the hen do I would also presume it was a surprise in this situation. I think it was a mistake on both parts.

My DSD did this. Set the group up then left when her bridesmaid took over. It was bleedin obvious the bride knew nothing.