Ruining hen surprise for the bride?

You’ve assumed wrong 🫣

It’s only a surprise if you specify to the other hens/ people who are invited that it is so.

Since you didn’t tell this person it was a surprise then you can’t have expected them to know that.

Well you said you should have been clearer, so is this your fault? It’s a hen do though. Move on and get over it.

I'd have assumed it was a secret and if I did need to contact the bride beforehand I would have just said sorry I can't make it and left it at that. She definitely spoiled it

The bride would wear L plates, a veil, and carry a decorated baby's potty (representing babies after marriage) and men would put money in it for a kiss (on the cheek - most men would be reasonably behaved in those day, but the hens would fend off anyone who was a bit too pissed and aimed for the lips or was a bit handy!) and wish the bride well. A pub crawl would mean you would get around a lot of men in the town! The bride would have made £100-£200 profit (after paying for hens drinks from it) by the end of the night which was a lot of money in the 80s/early 90s!

Might have been a Scottish thing - we were so classy! 🤣

It kind of went out of favour in the 90s when lassies were recognised having "hen nights" every other weekend in different towns, women also did not want to be "kissed" by lots of slobering drunks and there was a shift in the behaviour of drunk men becoming less respectful.

I hate being added to group chats, it's so awkward when you can't attend. Messaging people you don't really know and just being stuck in the chat. I also would have personally messaged the bride.

I don't think it's assumed to be a secret unless that is explicitly stated. Understandably annoying for you though!

I’d assume bride had some details ie city but not all details but I still wouldn’t say anything to be on safe side.
If it’s a complete surprise you are best to warn everyone.

Weird the friend was so specific in her apology message

I’m in my 50s and hen dos were different then. It was never a surprise, it was usually a night out and no one needed a passport. It wouldn’t occur to me that the bride to b hadn’t OK’d plans.

God only knows how people afford to go on big hen events as well as weddings. They seem to cost a fortune!

@NoTouch All the hens had to organise was a bride sash, hat, and potty (and we always made a profit)!

Can I check what you mean by a potty??? I assume not a portable toilet potty used years ago and put under a bed? 🤔

I wouldn’t have assumed it was a surprise unless you specifically said. A lot of brides have input into the destination.

I'd think bride would know

I am so glad in my day hen nights were just a local pub crawl and back to your own bed (most of the time 😉) after! All the hens had to organise was a bride sash, hat, and potty (and we always made a profit)!

No secrets or huge (expensive) trips with surprises to add to the further expenses of attending the actual wedding.

Now I am older I get to go to the nice local meal for the "oldies" instead and we just pay for our meals 😂

In answer to your question - it was a miscommunication. No big deal in the grand scheme of things - laugh and move on.

I’ve only been to one hen party (I’m old and they weren’t a thing in my youth) and the bride organised it all herself (we were in our 50s and she was marrying for the second time after being widowed) it was wonderful!

It was a stupid thing to have done. You just reply to the sender.

I think the bride did the right thing rather than adding to the stress of worrying about keeping it quiet, hopefully she did it in good humour and you can maybe arrange a low cost surprise at the festival, outfits, something holistic, these aren't always expensive, request from a band or DJ she'd like?

No, I think the details are a surprise, like maybe a spa treatment or a few games but the location is normally agreed with the bride unless you specifically state its a big surprise. I'm relatively controlling so I specifically said "1 night out, 1 spa day, here's 3 places I like, here's my guest list" and then MoH organised from that info.

If I was the bride I wouldn't have let you know the surprise had been spoiled, but now you do know perhaps think of some other elements that could be surprises. And maybe don't tell the group!

Bless you, you sound really nice taking it on the chin.

But yes, you needed to make it explicitly clear if it the whole thing was a secret.

I doubt it was malicious

People have different levels of engagement, what a surprise or hen means, what the bride would like

I organised my own hen party abroad, I basically arranged everything so no, not all hen nights involve surprises, I couldn’t think of anything worse as I hate surprises!

I voted YANBU and then felt a bit guilty reading the replies... but that's a bit more explicit!

You'd be surprised how much some people need things spelling out for them.

I’m with you on this OP! Every hen do Ive been on has been a surprise for the bride! Location and itinerary only revealed a few weeks before so the bride knows what to pack! She should have asked the organiser if the bride knew if she was unsure!

I’ve also seen a mixture from total surprise for the bride to Bride maintains a steely grip on every tiny detail but mostly (thankfully) with the bride in the know to a great degree. However I got married 25 years ago and it’s a long time since I was going to hen dos on a regular basis. Back then there was less fuss and expense, it was just a night out, so I think there was less pressure on the organiser and all round.

It sounds like miscommunication and not the end of the world. You should probably have reiterated it was secret and she should probably have checked. It won’t stop the event being enjoyable in the scheme of things if you don’t let it.

I certainly would not have assumed it was a secret unless I was expressly told it was a secret. Was she told?

This is the thing though op you are organising it but don't know all her friends. She has messaged the bride directly because its her shes there to see.

I wouldn’t make that assumption. No hen do I have been on was a surprise.