‘Child-free’ wedding

'child free' weddings are an anathema to me, they seem to go against what a marriage is, the joining of two families. They are a reflection of the selfishness of modern society, with people only concerned by what they want. It should not be only about what the bride wants. The bridegroom is equally important and the parents too if they have made a financial contribution. A relative who wanted a 'child free' wedding was then offended by the people who declined as it was difficult to arrange child care.

Still not your wedding or the groom’s brother’s wedding. Respect the ask!

It's not 'someone' - it's the groom's brother, and the child is immediate family. I think this is very different to just a random guest insisting their child attend.

We had a child free wedding but made an exception for immediate family such as nieces and nephews, plus babes in arms. Every other child free wedding I have been to has done the same. I don't think anyone will think twice about your nephew being there.

I had a mostly child free wedding but invited nieces and nephews. We did hire a wedding nanny though.
I definitely would have preferred fully child free as the parents can't enjoy themselves as much.
When I get a wedding invite I always try and get my kids watched so I can have a child free night, weddings are such long days for children.

When I got married we had children there and thought of them as much as other guests because they're PEOPLE not inconveniences. Bag of activities on the table, toys to play with, age appropriate food. I know it would have been difficult for my friends to come without children and I value them as people with families.

Well don't then!

The problem here is that someone has decided they are completely entitled enough to attend and drag their disinterested child with them, and then tried to make it ok by putting the groom in an awkward position to agree to this.

That's easy. You just don't accept any invitations to child-free weddings. The bride and groom can have the wedding they want and you can decline the invitation.

Some people don't like children, some people don't like other people's children and some people just prefer child-free weddings.

Yes - our values were the bringing together of the two families but that doesn’t mean you need to include numerous children who will be totally bored at a five course dinner dressed in a suit. Also do you include young children or other friends and family - who is the priority when counting headcount and cost per guest?

@Mjin

why not?? They’re fun!

Depends on your values, really. Is it about celebrating with those you love and bringing two families together, or is it just about the love between the two of you? Either is fine - but if your priority is the two of you then I'd just elope and save all the drama and upset of excluding people (children)!

You have the right to request a child free wedding but people also have the right not to attend.
When my children were little I was invited to one. I didn't want to go, the logistics were tricky to arrange childcare and all that
Ex H insisted and foolishly I went to the wedding.
To add insult to injury there was a child there! I was so pissed off.
I missed the vote but I think weddings are about couples coming together AND family. If you and the other half aren't on the same page already that's not great.

I marry people for a living, and this will likely become something which could be the end of your marriage.

If your fiancé is close to his brother and his parents, you are essentially asking him to choose between you and them. That is not the recipe for a healthy marriage, particularly if it does blow up and you can no longer spend Christmas etc with his brother and family in the future. It will cause pain and, over time, resentment.

Deciding something behind your back is also not great, but can be resolved. Sit down together and have a non confrontational conversation. Explain calmly why it is an issue to you that he went against your previous decision without a conversation. Explain how it has made you feel. And then allow him space and time to tell you why he did and how it was making him feel by disallowing your nephew. Listen to one another, and then make your peace with it.

If you’re unable to have the above sort of conversation together, it may be that you’re entering into a marriage that may not last anyway.

I'm with you op. Either a wedding is child free or its not. I hate this picking and choosing. So people arrange babysitters then turn up to find other people's kids running around, doesn't matter who they are related to. Nothing wrong with a child free wedding but if you're having one you should fully commit.

I am confused - you’re saying all your guests are looking forward to having a day away from their kids, but you have also said that your bridesmaids would’ve loved to have had their kids there - which one is it?

I am child free but I don’t understand child free weddings - people have to arrange / pay for child care to be able to attend your wedding, and you are asking people to come and celebrate your family, why can’t they share your special day with theirs?

I get why people want child-free weddings. But not inviting the kids of your siblings is dickish behaviour, and I will never change my mind on this.

Your wedding. Completely fine to set the rules. Just be prepared for close family members to decline the invitation. If they have to respect your wishes then you have to respect theirs if they choose not to leave their children and decide not to go.
Basically you are saying that those particular members of your family are not welcome. This happened to me with my Uncle at his 80th birthday. We didn't go.

I always thought the childfree thing was about screaming toddlers during the service or during the meal. Surely a 10 year old will cause no harm..he can play his Nintendo! Just invite him. His mom will be your sil and you don't want bad feelings from the start. If you have kids yourself l can guarantee you will look back and think..what the hell was all that fuss about.
My dd is getting married later this Summer and has a lot of toddlers due to her peers all having babies recently. It may be bedlam but she would be so disappointed if friends couldn't come due to babysitting issues.

hear hear

It's your wedding, your way. Ask your fiance to "uninvite" the child. He should have consulted you before he agreed. If the SIL won't come, her loss. You will be resentful and sorry if you don't deal with this.

My niece dealt with this very well IMHO. She stated on the invitation,"Children are welcome at the church ceremony and the day after family lunch. The reception and party are for adults only."(Tiny babies excepted) There was no problems.

just for perspective, my stepdad and mum travelled back from Europe to UK. 4 kids - two were bio kids of our mum and stepdad. made arrangements etc and got to the child free wedding and everyone's kids were there. it didn't go down well as ok not invite non-bio kids but my younger siblings were bio relations!!!

other people will have made arrangements and paid for childcare in some cases. are you sure you want to marry into a family where what the brother says goes!! what's next?

as it's already done, you need to make it very clear that any disruption and the mum needs to take the kid out. it's not cute or funny.

Did you miss the bit where they both agreed no kids…?

It’s not his wedding, it’s their wedding.
They made a joint decision and he went off inviting the nephew against that joint decision. He might be close to his brother, doesn’t mean he’s close to his nephew 🤷‍♀️

Your brother was entitled for having his wedding without your kid?

The irony of this comment 😂

Some people don’t want kids there - I’m not sure how difficult it is to understand. Some people don’t like other people’s kids. Some people don’t like any kids. There’s nothing wrong with that, that’s just how they are. In the same way that some parents are incredibly entitled - they think their kids are amazing when sometimes they just aren’t. But hey, that’s science - you’re meant to like you’re offspring because they carry your genes.

I don’t mean to break it to you but if you are a parent you need to understand that there are people out there who won’t like your kids.

I had a child free wedding and I didn't regret it everyone let there hair down had a night off and enjoyed it even those who put up a fight at the beginning it's your day your choice they either come or they don't end of