‘Child-free’ wedding

We had a child-free wedding, but invited very close relations. In our case that was our niece and nephew. They left by the evening and no other children attended.

If the groom has any sense, he'll stop making decisions without the bride or there won't be a wedding at all.

Very often it's friends and cousins weddings. And often people are told to speak to the couple explaining the issue with babysitters.

The BIL has done that spoken to the Groom who made the exception for his own nephew.
The Groom has decided his brother and DSIL are more important to him than a child free wedding.

And if Groom has any sense he'll go a step further and include the wee guy as a pageboy or ring bearer.

@Disco2022if I had children at my wedding I would have had to cut out 30 actual friends for people I barely knew! I would have had to change the time and whole vibe. No thank you.
OP I had a childfree wedding, but had two young attendants. They walked down the aisle and stayed for photos, then their grandmother whisked them off (the parents were my friends). Worked out very well. Can something similar be done here? Have the boy be ring bearer, stay for photos then be picked up by a friend of his’ parents for the evening? Or if the mother insists she can at least enjoy the wedding and drinks then take him home before the dinner.
I do think childfree means no exceptions. And won’t the boy be bored rigid?

This maybe cultural but I have never, ever, ever, never, not once been to a childfree wedding that excludes nieces and nephews of the bride and groom.

But this same issue is posted every two business days and I don’t get why.

It’s simple. You have the right to have the wedding of your choosing and your guests can choose not to attend.

Of course it wouldn't.

The vast majority of adults are socially aware enough to know not to talk through the ceremony, not be badly behaved if they are bored and most importantly to not scream/shriek/cry during the ceremony.

Some events are adult events for good reason including the fact that children get bored easily and change the vibe of an event which is not the vibe all bride & grooms want for their wedding which is perfectly valid.

Not to mention the fact how extra bored a 10 year old would be as the only child at a wedding.

With the exception of crying during the ceremony you could replace child with adult in your description and it would work the same.
Why are we pretending that its all cute little dance moves and giggles? I've been to weddings where adults talk through the ceremony (or worse cry) then dominate the topic of conversation and are then the centre of attention, surly adults who are clearly bored out of their minds, adults who are clearly overwhelmed and therefore upset all day.... can we stop this pretence that all adults add heaps of fun to weddings?
See?

He decided a child free wedding wasn´t as important as his relationship with his brother. Perfectly reasonable.

There are rude children the same way there are rude adults. We all have been in very similar situations, sharing a table with someone zany or outright obnoxious. In this case, it was a child. On other occasions, it will be an adult.
Are we going to stop inviting adults to weddings?

The updates don’t make it any better. If you’ve been in this child’s life for 7 years, surely he’s family as family goes. I know some 10 year olds can be a pain but with all the history you have with him and your DH with his brother, you can see why you should invite him right ?

Unless part of the wedding is organized around the children (such as games or a playground being available), the children will be bored as hell. At the same time weddings are typically too long for young children. So you end up with tired, whiny and disruptive children. This alone is a good reason to keep a child-free wedding actually child-free.

This wedding is not organizing around children and this child being the only one will be worse, as he will not have any other children to occupy his time with, unless he'll just be on his Switch the whole day, which doesn't sound ideal either. At some point he will still get bored. His father is in the wedding party, so he will not be available to keep his son occupied either. Letting this child come to the wedding has got potential drama written all over.

The brother is out of order for threatening to pull out unless his son can come. He has known for three months this wedding is child-free. But the worst offender is the fiancé. His actions in all this are a string of red flags:

1. He gives into pressure
2. He makes decisions without discussing them with other people who will also be affected
3. He puts the blame for his unilateral decisions on others (in this case OP and the brother and his wife)
4. The in-laws (at least the brother and his wife) don't seem very respectful of other people's boundaries and OP's fiancé does seem to see a problem with this.
5. The Fiancé does not have OP's back

In OP's shoes, I would be having a long and hard conversation with her fiancé and depending on the outcome, I might just reconsider the wedding altogether.

The plot thickens.
You said ran so I am going to assume they don't anymore. If they do, you would do well to suck this up and let the child come or else a rift could develop between them and affect their business in the long run.
That would directly affect your livelihood. So be smart.

Dancing and playing- yes. Tantrums and noise- no!

How strange that the OP is getting a total kicking here but in other threads where people ask 'AIBU to bring my child to a child free wedding/ask for my child to be invited' they're told very soundly that a child free wedding is exactly that, child free, so no, they can't ask/take the child.

You don't sound like a very nice couple or particularly family oriented. It is no badge of honor your df has no relationship with his nephew and it speaks volumes as to what values and morals the man you are marrying has. It may not interest you now because you are the one recieving the benefits of such a selfish man, but actually his attributes are not conjusive to happy lasting marriage. In years to come when you are complaining about how selfish your husband is, you can look back and know all the signs were there. The way a man treats any member of his own family is a good indication of what is in store for you in the future.

I think it's a bold move to exclude your nephew from your wedding when his Dad is close enough to the Groom to be Best Man. You would be sending a clear message to your future BIL and SIL that you simply don't like their child and don't consider him part of your family. The argument that it's not fair on your bridesmaids doesn't really hold up since you've already said they're happy to leave their kids at home so they get to relax and enjoy the wedding child-free. Also, it's not unusual at all IME for a B&G to say no children apart from close family. No one would be shocked that an exception was made for your nephew.

Your DF has obviously decided that his relationship with his Brother is too important to risk by excluding his child. He should have discussed it with you, obviously, but he didn't so what are you proposing to do about it now? Do you want your DF to call his Brother and say "actually I've changed my mind again, your DS can't come after all?" If that's what you really want then you can push for that, but I think it will be very obvious that you've told him to make that call and it's likely to impact your relationship with your DF's family going forward. So it depends how much that matters to you I suppose.

I think all the nasty and comments about what a pain in the arse this child is and how everyone in the family agrees with you don't paint you in the best light to be honest.

I guess not.

The most recent wedding I was at, DH was the best man, our children weren’t invited - totally fine. The maid of honour was the bride’s sister, and her child (the bride’s nephew) was there. He was the only child there. It really didn’t occur to me that my children should therefore be invited because they are also children of someone in the wedding party.

In my opinion child free does not include nieces and nephews. I’m more suprised you’re surprised his brother is upset

I would put my foot down. My older sisters kids were at the wedding and climbed all over the organ in the church. No matter if one of us got them down and took them by the hand to sit down they would just run away and do it again.

At my big brother's wedding I was 9 months pregnant and asked to watch his 3 and 4 yr old. Thankfully they behaved at the actual wedding but during the photographs. I'm in none and the ones they are in you can see they aren't interested as they aren't smiling and look like try are about to bolt, they were and a photo lu husband caught is me walking back with a hand holding my bump up and you can tell I'm shouting at someone or that I'm angry. I ended up in hospital that night and I got moaned at that I made it all about me being pregnant and at the reception everyone was making sure I was ok. Them when the ambulance appeared again it was all about me.

So when I get married again because I'm older all my friends except 1 all their kids are older teenagers so they will be invited to the reception

I’ve been a bridesmaids at a childfree wedding where an exception was made for the couple’s nieces and nephews. In fact all the bridesmaids at that wedding had kids that weren’t invited. We were all fine with it because we understood nieces/nephews are different to children of friends and it’s much harder for people to sort childcare when their family is also at the wedding. So don’t worry about the bridesmaids! Tbh I doubt you’ll barely notice the 10YO on the day, they’re well beyond the age of causing a disruption and you'll be so busy. Since your fiancé has already said yes 🙄 I’d let that stand because otherwise you won’t come off well. Oh and it’s totally normal that a 10YO is more into playing on their Switch than chatting with their uncle and his girlfriend… not sure why that’s an issue unless he wouldn’t allow the adults any time alone and insisted you all play Mario Kart together.

How dare the bride and groom want to have a day that gives them a better time and doesn't revolve around children.

Some events, including weddings, are adult events and that's absolutely fine.

We had a child free wedding as the wedding we planned was not child appropriate. It was an amazing day and I still have lovely memories even though it was 30 years ago

Even at children free weddings it’s normal to include nieces and nephews .
Is he your only nephew?, if yes I’d say nothing to other guests/family and if questioned on the day (unlikely) just say yes we included our nephew only.
If you have other nieces and nephews you would have to invite them too to be fair.
I understand why your bil is miffed it’s pretty harsh not to include him.

A child isnt supposed to 'make an effort' with you. Its supposed to be the other way around. It doesn't reflect well on the adults in his life being described as PITA by close family.