‘Child-free’ wedding

BeZanyUmberBird · 2025-05-28T11:49:31+00:00

I know this is a contentious issue but my fiancé and I always intended to have a child-free wedding. We sent out the invitations 3 months ago and everyone worked it out. In our circles most people don’t have children or were keen to have a day away from them to have a relaxing time! The other day my fiancé’s brother sent him a message saying that he was really upset his son wasn’t invited (10) and that we needed to invited him or his wife wouldn’t come. without dripfeeding, this boy is a PITA and we don’t really know him. Despite him being family he never engages with us when we see him and is more interested in his Nintendo switch. I’m keen for us to stick to what we decided but my DF has been guilt tripped into saying he can come. Now I’m annoyed because a) I feel like we’ve been emotionally manipulated into saying yes and b) DF didn’t discuss it with me. He says we can go back on it but then I’ll look like the AH for putting my foot down and it’ll be awkward. I also feel bad because I know my bridesmaids would have loved to have their kids there and have bent over backwards to sort out childcare. AIBU? Or what do I do? Suck it up?

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 06/06/2025 13:48

PissedOff2020 · 06/06/2025 13:04

Ok, so you’d be happy to skip your siblings or sibling-in-laws wedding, as they exclude you by not allowing your kid and you’ve no childcare. You say you’d not give a shit, fair enough, most people would be upset by that but each to their own.

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You can be upset about it. They will have to accept the consequences.

DoyalikeDags · 06/06/2025 13:23

BeZanyUmberBird · 28/05/2025 12:53

To clarify, my fiancé doesn’t really want him there either. His brother is best man so will also be busy!

How horrible.

DoyalikeDags · 06/06/2025 13:21

IME child free actually means immediate family only. Who is there to look after your nephew if the family are all at the wedding? Sounds like he will sit on his Nintendo in a corner and cause no fuss anyway. It's not like having a toddler deciding to tantrum as you walk down the aisle.

I think starting a war with your future BIL and SIL over this is not a good way to merge families.

PissedOff2020 · 06/06/2025 13:04

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 06/06/2025 12:54

Then you don't go. Obviously.

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Ok, so you’d be happy to skip your siblings or sibling-in-laws wedding, as they exclude you by not allowing your kid and you’ve no childcare. You say you’d not give a shit, fair enough, most people would be upset by that but each to their own.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 06/06/2025 12:54

PissedOff2020 · 06/06/2025 10:35

Well it’s fine if you’ve got someone to look after them, but if all your family is at the wedding what the hell are you meant to do? Not everyone has shed-loads is sitters in hand - most have one or two family meme beds at best.

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Then you don't go. Obviously.

PissedOff2020 · 06/06/2025 10:35

Youbutterbelieve · 29/05/2025 13:05

Maybe the OP won't feel that way - I have 2 kids and don't give a shit if their not invited to a wedding. Not my day, not my day.

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Well it’s fine if you’ve got someone to look after them, but if all your family is at the wedding what the hell are you meant to do? Not everyone has shed-loads is sitters in hand - most have one or two family meme beds at best.

Needspaceforlego · 05/06/2025 22:15

That's a bit harsh.
The parents might not have other options for babysitters.

I really don't know what people want this wee kid to do, he sits on his Nintendo entertaining himself.
They'd moan even more if he was constantly butting into adults conversations.

ThatCosyMintWriter · 05/06/2025 21:10

With any luck the PITA child will feel totally out of place without any other kids there and the parents will realise their mistake in bringing him 😊

Teajenny7 · 03/06/2025 16:19

I am so pleased that we got married the year after graduation. None of our peers or immediate family had started families. It meant I didn't have page boys or flower girls. It was like a Uni Reunion with family snd friends from around the world.

I wasn't offend if my children weren't invited to a wedding.
If my Mum or MIL couldn't look after them one of us would attend the wedding.

I did take my new born to a wedding. Breast fed him before the Church service and Granny took him for a walk in the pram during the Church service. We had booked two rooms do Granny could help. Said wedding a baby screamed through the vows.,the flower girl shouted 'I need a poo!'.

Recent wedding one of the kids went upto the bride with a coke in his hand and it went down her dress.....before the photos. Later as the evening guests were going up for the 9pm buffet kids were biting into food putting it down and chucking the food at each other.

I am always shocked that some parents 'forget' to parent.

Difficult now your DF has invited the child.
I would be cross that he didn't discuss it. From what you say he doesn't seem to be the most endearing. It says a lot that his grandparents no longer want to babysit him

OP are you paying for the whole wedding?
Is DF contributing?
Hope you have a prenuptial agreement.

I hope you have a wonderful day and wish you both a life full of love and happiness.

1HappyTraveller · 03/06/2025 13:06

Ramallamading · 03/06/2025 12:48

I hate when all people have left is to make insinuations about someone's intelligence. I understand you completely of course.

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My point:

“Limited budget and limited space at a venue.”

Your response:

“Nope just didn't invite too many people.”

🤦‍♀️

Ramallamading · 03/06/2025 12:48

1HappyTraveller · 03/06/2025 12:43

“Everyone’s free to do their wedding their way”

Exactly! You wanted kids there. Some people don’t. And that’s okay 🤷‍♀️

“Nope just didn’t invite too many people”

Again a perfectly legitimate reason why some people don’t invite kids. You acknowledge that you can’t have an endless number yet appear to disagree with me…? Did you understand the point I was trying to make?

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I hate when all people have left is to make insinuations about someone's intelligence. I understand you completely of course.

1HappyTraveller · 03/06/2025 12:43

Ramallamading · 02/06/2025 17:23

Nope just didn't invite too many people. Everyone's free to do their wedding their way but people are also allowed to decline an invitation.

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“Everyone’s free to do their wedding their way”

Exactly! You wanted kids there. Some people don’t. And that’s okay 🤷‍♀️

“Nope just didn’t invite too many people”

Again a perfectly legitimate reason why some people don’t invite kids. You acknowledge that you can’t have an endless number yet appear to disagree with me…? Did you understand the point I was trying to make?

Y2ker · 02/06/2025 21:30

BeZanyUmberBird · 28/05/2025 12:53

To clarify, my fiancé doesn’t really want him there either. His brother is best man so will also be busy!

I think it is odd to not invite the best man's child. This boy will be your nephew! If he is 10 and just plays on his Switch then he won't cause any bother

Ramallamading · 02/06/2025 21:06

Cherrytree86 · 02/06/2025 20:04

@Cocolebombom

speak yourself! You don’t speak for me - I love weddings.

chance to dress up, have some fizz, nice food, mill about a nice venue, seeing people who you love get married, dancing etc etc
what’s boring about it?!

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Definitely not boring just considering 42% end in divorce.

Cherrytree86 · 02/06/2025 20:04

Cocolebombom · 02/06/2025 19:07

The truth is weddings are just as boring to adults really. Especially English ones.

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@Cocolebombom

speak yourself! You don’t speak for me - I love weddings.

chance to dress up, have some fizz, nice food, mill about a nice venue, seeing people who you love get married, dancing etc etc
what’s boring about it?!

Parker231 · 02/06/2025 20:01

Cocolebombom · 02/06/2025 19:07

The truth is weddings are just as boring to adults really. Especially English ones.

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I love weddings - nothing boring about them. I like everyone’s different styles and ideas. Chance to dress up, good food and drink and time to celebrate with the happy couple.

What do you find boring about them?

Cocolebombom · 02/06/2025 19:07

Daisyvodka · 28/05/2025 13:51

Came on to this thread to see the usual comments from people on how it's not a wedding without kids, it's such a shame, you're being a princess not to want kids etc.
All pretending like some kids aren't noisy and disruptive or get bored at weddings...
Why are we pretending that its all cute little dance moves and giggles? I've been to weddings where kids talk through the ceremony (or worse cry) then dominate the topic of conversation and are then the centre of attention, surly teenagers who are clearly bored out of their minds, toddlers who are clearly overwhelmed and therefore upset all day.... can we stop this pretence that all kids add heaps of fun to weddings?

The truth is weddings are just as boring to adults really. Especially English ones.

Cocolebombom · 02/06/2025 19:00

Fupoffyagrasshole · 28/05/2025 13:42

I hate taking my kids to weddings! way easier without them! i can enjoy myself and have drinks and stay at the hotel and not have to get up with them in the morning.

We took my 3 year old to a wedding last year and i spent the whole day following her around - my husband and I had to take turns taking her outside for a run around during the meal - I barely got to catch up with anyone.

I left her behind with husband at my own sisters wedding as it was actually just easier that way

Id not invite him if thats what you want! brothers wife can miss out - what does it matter ! A wedding is just dinner and drinks and dancing - she wont miss much.

That's great but that's also your choice.

Cocolebombom · 02/06/2025 18:59

ilovesooty · 28/05/2025 13:15

It doesn't matter what the reason is. Her fiancé had no right to override the decision they'd both made without consulting her.

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It's his wedding too. Obviously he wants his BEST MAN'S FAMILY THERE. Op I think you've made a rod for your back and of course it's your day but it's kind of selfish to expect people to attend without their kids. It's not relaxing it's a hassle. People spend all day at work away from their kids and you expect them to take up a weekend or leave with more time away. Strange that you call your nephew names when you clearly don't give a fig about him.

Cocolebombom · 02/06/2025 18:48

Spirallingdownwards · 28/05/2025 13:01

It's her wedding she can choose to have a child free wedding.

Her husband has made the issue worse by backtracking.

A 10 year old can indeed be a PITA.

No need to be snippy to the OP.

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She can have a child free wedding but it does make it such a hassle and people do essentially have to make a decision like this commenter said.

seekinghappiness22 · 02/06/2025 18:03

BeZanyUmberBird · 28/05/2025 14:17

Thanks all - I’m tapping out now because we’ve drifted off the point now and it’s turned into a bashing of beliefs about family and need for an Instagram wedding. I’m nearly 40, over that. Just to set you all off…I’m having flower girls: they just happen to be 4 of my octogenarian great aunts!

this thread has just made me realise that whatever I do I’m going to annoy someone - I’d just rather it wasn’t me as I’m paying for the whole lot and (before you start bashing me) it won’t be my fiancé as I’m the breadwinner. And because that will set some of you off, we are entire 50:50 in decisions which is why this one has annoyed me so much. Not because he did it, but because he didn’t discuss with me first, like I would have done with him.

Good luck with your wedding but i could never get away with telling my family their kids are not welcome at my wedding! It would be uproar but i couldn’t and wouldn’t anyway. Also definitely off topic but i could also never imagine getting married and paying for the whole wedding myself!! I don’t want to be that much the breadwinner my prospective husband isn’t contributing to our big day.

Ramallamading · 02/06/2025 17:23

1HappyTraveller · 02/06/2025 13:22

Exactly this. Limited budget and limited space at a venue. Honestly some people on this thread either have a lot of money or they are not very good at maths/budgeting…

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Nope just didn't invite too many people. Everyone's free to do their wedding their way but people are also allowed to decline an invitation.

1HappyTraveller · 02/06/2025 13:22

Pottedpalm · 02/06/2025 08:24

There would have been over 40 children, mostly under 5, at DS’s wedding if they had included all the children of invitees. This would impact on the number of adults they could invite so they only had their two flower girls (cousins) and any babes in arms.

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Exactly this. Limited budget and limited space at a venue. Honestly some people on this thread either have a lot of money or they are not very good at maths/budgeting…

Pottedpalm · 02/06/2025 08:24

Ramallamading · 01/06/2025 11:50

When I got married we had children there and thought of them as much as other guests because they're PEOPLE not inconveniences. Bag of activities on the table, toys to play with, age appropriate food. I know it would have been difficult for my friends to come without children and I value them as people with families.

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There would have been over 40 children, mostly under 5, at DS’s wedding if they had included all the children of invitees. This would impact on the number of adults they could invite so they only had their two flower girls (cousins) and any babes in arms.

1HappyTraveller · 02/06/2025 08:16

Gardenservant · 01/06/2025 22:54

'child free' weddings are an anathema to me, they seem to go against what a marriage is, the joining of two families. They are a reflection of the selfishness of modern society, with people only concerned by what they want. It should not be only about what the bride wants. The bridegroom is equally important and the parents too if they have made a financial contribution. A relative who wanted a 'child free' wedding was then offended by the people who declined as it was difficult to arrange child care.

I thought a wedding was a union about a couple? Obviously the families come with that but that isn’t what the wedding is actually about. I mean some people don’t have any family so 🤷‍♀️

Weddings cost money - kids cost money. Some people can’t afford it. Some people don’t like kids.

It should not be only about what the bride wants I agree. Did you see the bit where OP said it’s what her DF wants too? He doesn’t want the kid there. But it’s okay if they don’t want certain people present on their wedding day, other people do so…

Parents make a financial contribution as a gift. It doesn’t give them the right to say what happens on the day, it’s not their day.

Not everyone is going to be a people-pleaser.
It doesn’t make them selfish.