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Family member moved in….

39 replies

FFSSue · 28/05/2025 11:29

Family member moved in with us 5 years ago as he fell out with previous landlord, also family member. It was a short term arrangement till they got sorted. In short 5 years later still here at a minimal rent (about one seventh of room rentals round here). Initially it was OK but I have now had enough. No attempt seemingly to sort anything out, does a few chores that’s minimal too so several weeks back gave them 6 months notice which is generous. I think it took them aback but so far things have been civil but just want to ask others of their experience in trying to rent a room in London- is it that hard to find somewhere?

Our lodger has been looking on MySpare Room but says the rooms they go after are either gone or if they go for a viewing no one turns up. This has happened on about 6 rooms so far. I have told them to contact the council to find out how their application to go on list is going( they applied to the council at my insistence a few months back so in the 5 years here hadn’t even done that!).
They would be eligible for sheltered housing as over 55. Is their age making people wary? I am just getting concerned that time will pass quickly and they’ll still be here come the end of the 6 month deadline and then what?

Is it harder for older people to rent these days?

OP posts:
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Whatifitallgoesright · 30/05/2025 09:45

Maybe the only way is if you move!

DurinsBane · 30/05/2025 08:58

I guess it will take them years on the council list, as in their (the councils) eyes they are suitably housed. You might have to write a letter of eviction to help them get more priority

WallaceinAnderland · 29/05/2025 16:54

I think OP is just going to let him continue to live with her.

SpryCat · 29/05/2025 10:15

You’ve enable him to live in a cocoon for five years, he won’t want to leave @FFSSue, you will have to be harsh in order to get him gone. The fact he fell out with another family member whilst living in there property, was very telling. No one in your family will want him but will have no qualms with making you feel guilty when you force him to leave. You do what is right for you and let this guy face his own consequences when you show him the door.

Weepixie · 29/05/2025 08:37

I imagine it would be very difficult for an older person to find a room in a house share and I’ve absolutely no idea how you’ll go about sorting this mess out.

Gundogday · 29/05/2025 08:34

I know everyone is saying that at 55 , he’s old enough to source his own place. That’s true, but he hasn’t really made any progress in the last five years, or even last few months /weeks, so I do think that op needs to get her naggy, annoying hat on and actively sit with him to research possibilities, book viewings etc.

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 29/05/2025 07:20

It is really really hard to find a room in London and it's a young city, most people will want someone their age to share with.
Also is he realistic about rental costs nowadays, after 5 yrs guessing he's out of the loop and might not be finding somewhere because his budget is off.
None of this is your problem at all.... it's his, he's an adult and should sort it. At 55 he's old enough for specific older people flats and housing so probably easiest to look there than a generic house share. He might need to move further put and commute, such is life.

TinyFlamingo · 28/05/2025 18:21

Demand he pays you above market rate, more than what he'll pay for a room!

If he doesn't pay he moves out.

I've been through this it took 3 x 6m notices.
Demanding paying market rate.
And putting together a property pack so they had no excuse to avoid any longer.

5 years 4 months later they moved out.
Was supposed to be a year 🙈

People, even family, will use if given the slightest opportunity. Sending empathy

anyolddinosaur · 28/05/2025 17:28

Why have you not put the rent up? Do that now, even if you save some of it as help when we moves out. You are giving him no incentive to sort himself out.

Yes it's hard for older people, especially men, to rent a room in anything other than a HMO. Women will be reluctant unless they know him well, men of that age are often living with someone or too antisocial to want to share. He may be able to find rentals aimed at over 55s, although it's more often over 60s.

Consider if he'd qualify for this https://www.cityoflondon.gov.uk/services/housing-and-homelessness/housing-estates/the-city-of-london-almshouses-trust

WallaceinAnderland · 28/05/2025 16:58

There must be more to this. Is he an alcoholic or drug addict? There is no way the council will put him in B&B when he could pay for that himself.

What's really going on here OP? How does the rest of your family feel about him?

Whammyyammy · 28/05/2025 16:33

Been there 'temporarily' for 5 years, paying you 1/7 of the market value. You are being played and your 'lodger' has absolutely no intention of moving out and probably doesn't even look. Why would theu when you can subsidise their life.

You are being mugged off.

Cherrysoup · 28/05/2025 15:56

Do they work/have savings? Will you stick to the date you’ve given? I feel simultaneously cross with you for tolerating this for 5 years (5 years!!) and concerned that they won’t go quietly. Perhaps they’ll have to take studio outside of London, but ultimately, I think you need to be strong and ensure he/she leaves on the date you chose.

Cassieskinsismad · 28/05/2025 15:34

As others have pointed out "help" from the council doesn't necessarily mean housing him themselves. They may help him in other ways, although if he works that help is likely to be minimal. I wouldn't feel guilty, if there's nothing wrong with your relative I think you'll be surprised at how resourceful people can be when they really have to.

If they want to, that is. Some are happy to freeload forever and still complain about everything, instead. If you're dealing with one of those you can expect emotional blackmail and other manipulative tactics when you try to stop the freeloading.

Reliablesource · 28/05/2025 15:21

Your lodger is playing you like a fiddle. Can you not see through all
their excuses about why they can’t find a room?

Having said that, most people looking for house shares are likely to be much younger, and seeking people of a similar age, so it’s definitely going to be harder for someone in their mid-50s to get a house share.

You need to be really firm with this person and give them a hard deadline. They are not bothering to find alternative accommodation because they’ve been getting away with it for 5 years!

Cassieskinsismad · 28/05/2025 15:19

Mh67 · 28/05/2025 13:59

with regards to council housing I put my name on list 37 years ago and I'm still waiting

Are you bidding? The system has changed since then and you won't just be offered a place by waiting until you're top of the list. You'll never be top of the list if you don't bid. If you're in London or another major city and aren't homeless or have children (minors) living with you though, it's fair to say you probably don't have any realistic chance of getting given anything.

OP I was born in London and had to leave there because I couldn't afford the rent, not even on a flat share. It's life. If your relative is on minimum wage, that's the same wherever you are in the country, so they're going to have to move somewhere rentals are cheaper.

The issues they've got are multiple. I'm guessing they're not earning much or are on benefits, so maybe don't pass landlords financial checks and so someone else in a better financial position is always picked. Landlord especially won't touch people on benefits. They know that if the rules change the person won't be able to afford the rent and will dig their heels in until evicted by bailiffs in order to get help from the council. The tenant may have no other realistic choice, but it's very expensive for the landlord so they'll always choose someone earning well if they can.

Their age is going to rule them out of any houseshares really, they might find an HMO that'll take them, it'll probably be filled with others who could be classed a society's misfits eg addicts, people out of prison, and other social misfits for whatever reason who've reached middle age (because that's what over 35 is, it's only older people who thinks 40s is "young" and 50s "isn't old") without sorting out their earnings potential, finding friends/a partner and sorting out their living circumstances to afford to rent a flat. It's no use looking at the nice flatshares filled with young people in good parts of town, your relative has no chance with that.

Not having a reference won't be helping. You're a relative, you don't really count and they fell out with their last relative-landlord, which is a big red flag. If anyone finds that out, they would be mad to rent to them. They're basically asking someone to take them on as an unknown quantity and what landlord is going to do that when they can choose someone with a good reference from current landlord operating as a business and earning enough to pay the rent.

Not having a guarantor is likely to be a problem if a low earner. Don't be guarantor for them, it's not just box ticking, you'll be liable to pay their rent if they don't and they've already proved happy to take advantage of you for 5yrs. If something goes wrong for them they're not going to compromise their lifestyle to keep paying rent when they know if they default you'll have to pay.

I'd tell them to go to Citizens Advice Bureau because there may be schemes for providing an official guarantor if you have no family to do it, this definitely exists in countries abroad so perhaps it does here.

Realistically I'd suggest saving up a few months income, which should be easy on minimal rent for 5yrs. Then quitting their job (I'm guessing working remotely isn't a option and neither would be travel costs halfway across the country for interviews) and taking a cheap Air B&B place in a cheaper town for rentals, living off the savings whilst applying for every job they can and contacting every employment agency in the surrounding areas and taking anything offered. Once they have an income finding a flat or lodgings in an HMO should be easier in a cheaper area.

Before everyone shouts at me for saying to quit work, I know it's a risky strategy, but so is subsisting solely on benefits (because they've lost their job due to hygiene/tiredness) whilst sleeping rough because you've kicked them out. That's a lot harder place to get life straightened out from IMO than moving to some place more affordable with a few months of savings and solid determination to secure a job and home.

If they're single without dependents or severe disabilities they're not walking out of your place in six months and straight into council grotty and temporary accommodation, never mind permanent housing. Even if they do eventually get into temporary accommodation, there'll be a gap where they're on the streets (or sofa surfing if they have friends maybe) first.

They're being far too passive about this situation. I expect they think you won't actually kick them out onto the streets, since you already proved happy to trash your own boundaries of "short term only" long ago. If relying on that is their plan, you're going to have them living with you forever unless you also become far less passive and take the drastic action of kicking them out. They haven't gone willingly in 5yrs, you need to accept they're not going to go willingly now either. Cheap rent, minimal chores and a soft touch relative for a landlord is no incentive to move out.

Yohe got 3 options. Ignore it, hope it goes away and they leave voluntarily, which will never happen and they'll be with you forever. Kick them out to live on the streets of necessary, which is likely their only chance of getting council help. Or the in-between option of going all out yourself to help secure somewhere for them, which is probably going to involve a lot of time and energy and probably a fair amount of money too (like providing them with a years rent upfront to offer a landlord, which you'll realistically never be repaid by resentful relative who doesn't want to move out). As well as duping potential landlords as to the true character of the prospective tenant or implying the rental is for both of you not just them etc to make them look a more attractive prospect.

Personally I wouldn't get involved. You've done your bit giving them 5 fricking years and they've taken the piss with your generosity, sorting nothing out. For me, they'd be out on their own now. You have to be able to live with whatever decision you make though.

Hibernatingtilspring · 28/05/2025 15:16

@SpryCat the council aren't obliged to house him, they'll most likely give him the same websites to look at for room shares or lodging as on here. They might put him in emergency accommodation for one night if his alternative would be sleeping rough, but as soon as they assess that he's got no specific vulnerabilities they'll send him on his way, regardless of whether he's found anywhere.

Again that isn't the OPs problem to sort out but there's no magic in a letter the OP writes thay will make someone else house him!

Dearg · 28/05/2025 14:49

SpryCat · 28/05/2025 14:08

You might have to write a letter stating he will no longer be living at yours on such and such date, he can take the letter to council saying he can’t find anywhere to live, they will tell him to come back on the date on letter if he becomes homeless, they will help him.
Once you tell him that, he may try harder but if not, he will have to go homeless to council.
Or you raise his rent to what he should be paying

Actually I think giving him a letter with his vacate - date on it is a good shout even if he doesn’t take it to the council.
Crystallise it for him, so he doesn’t try to argue later.

Naunet · 28/05/2025 14:47

Is there a reason this grown, adult man is unable to look after himself? You've been way too soft, letting him pay a tiny rent and not pull his weight with chores. He's not a teenager finding his feel, he's a lazy, entitled dick, and you are not his mother.

WallaceinAnderland · 28/05/2025 14:34

He will not get social housing. You cannot sort this out for him, he has to do it for himself. If he has nowhere to go by the time he leaves, he should present himself to his local council as homeless.

This is not your problem to solve. He has had 5 years to sort himself out. If he hasn't done it by now he is not going to.

Either kick him out or accept that he's with you forever.

babystarsandmoon · 28/05/2025 14:20

Are they really looking or avoiding leaving because they’ll never get it this good again?

SpryCat · 28/05/2025 14:19

He also may not be replying quick enough on any rooms to let because he thinks you will just give up and allow him to stay.

pinkdelight · 28/05/2025 14:15

SpryCat · 28/05/2025 14:08

You might have to write a letter stating he will no longer be living at yours on such and such date, he can take the letter to council saying he can’t find anywhere to live, they will tell him to come back on the date on letter if he becomes homeless, they will help him.
Once you tell him that, he may try harder but if not, he will have to go homeless to council.
Or you raise his rent to what he should be paying

This is the process so it's useful advice, I'm not questioning that or your post. It's just weird that he's to be treated like he's helpless and a problem for the council to deal with rather than a grown up who should be able to house himself by this point. Especially as he's in London, the council has many more genuine cases and much higher priorities than giving scant resources to a serial freeloader. Perhaps he has to discover this for himself and finally take some responsibility.

SpryCat · 28/05/2025 14:08

You might have to write a letter stating he will no longer be living at yours on such and such date, he can take the letter to council saying he can’t find anywhere to live, they will tell him to come back on the date on letter if he becomes homeless, they will help him.
Once you tell him that, he may try harder but if not, he will have to go homeless to council.
Or you raise his rent to what he should be paying

Mh67 · 28/05/2025 13:59

with regards to council housing I put my name on list 37 years ago and I'm still waiting

Bonbon249 · 28/05/2025 13:30

It's easy to be wise after the event but you can see now that you should have set a date for departure when your lodger moved in. I would say generally house shares are more aimed at younger.people just starting out. I think sheltered housing is the best route for someone over 50.