Husband keeps having accidents with 15mo

My grown up son has ADHD and is extremely accident prone, always doing stuff to himself even now and he’s been a frequent visitor to A&E since he was young ( we were virtually on first name terms with the Children’s Hospital A&E staff). He has 2 children and has never hurt them in an accident he is super aware around them and always tries to be a step ahead of them and watch out for potential problems. Of course the kids have the normal bumps and trips while playing and the youngest is totally fear free so may have inherited that from dad. So even if your DH has an issue it doesn’t mean that hurting his child is inevitable “it was an accident” is not a free pass he needs to look at his behaviour.

It sounds like he just doesn’t care enough to be careful OP. Does he step on other people’s toes? Does he “accidentally” hit his boss as he interacts with them? Has he “accidentally” hit his mum or dad before? Does he “accidentally” barge into people or drop things in public spaces? I am happy to admit I am wrong if it is yes to the above but I’m betting it’s not.

Don't be so ridiculous. If that was the case he wouldn't be accidentally hurting his wife.
He does sound clumsy but also just not aware enough. Children obviously change and this is one of the most challenging ages.
I don't know how you can make him more aware though. Really tricky.

It’s not so much what’s happening but his reaction that’s ‘off’.
A good father bonded to his child would be devastated and incredibly upset to have hurt his child and caused them substantial pain - trapped fingers are agony!!
Such a person would also be thinking about and doing everything they could to stop it happening again.
If he isn’t showing these feelings or thinking of strategies to prevent them - common sense se - my child is small and fragile and my responsibility - where is he? I better be careful opening/ closing this/ stepping here etc etc. then something is missing/ wrong. Can you explain this to him and seek external help?

Yep this is me and my family, we're all hypermobile.

He needs a Dr appointment before he has ds alone imo. He needs to see how serious you are about keeping your dc safe... Mind blown by the poster who said to teach your 15 month old to keep his fingers out of hinges!!

I’m sorry you’re in this position. It must be stressing you out :(

1. you can’t just say “he isn’t dyspraxic. He doesn’t have adhd” etc etc. You aren’t a professional and if his sister is like it as well then he should be medically assessed to see if it is a condition he can’t help
2. Keeping a log of when it happens is a good suggestion from a pp. At the very least you can show it to a professional or post it on here to see if the type and frequency of accident are deemed normal or not.
3. it takes a while to adjust to being a parent. I was much more inattentive / flippant with my eldest than I am three children later with my youngest. Maybe it isn’t something sinister, maybe he just doesn’t realise how fragile a child is or process properly the implications of not being careful enough.

Id be interested to know how often he physically hurts his colleagues or wider family

This sounds very like he possibly has issues with proprioception and the cause of this needs to be investigated.
( I am familiar with this as my daughter has disabilities )
My daughter is however extremely “ visual “ so will notice the smallest things that the rest of the family don’t .
or he could have dyspraxia.
I do understand why you’re annoyed and stressed.
I myself am hyper aware when very small children are around because they get into everything and appear out of nowhere !

He obviously can’t help it. If he’s always been clumsy then that isn’t going to change just because he’s become a father. It does sound like dyspraxia to me. He’s clearly not doing it on purpose so doesn’t deserve to be denigrated by MN.

The problem isn’t that he has ‘accidents’……

The HUGE problem is that he doesn’t care and refuses to do anything about it !!!!!

My DS2 is just like this... No spacial awareness, physically awkward and super clumsy and he has no concept of how much force (or not) his body should use... He has broken our front door multiple times slamming it. He doesn't mean to, but his proprioception is very poor. He is officially dyspraxic. He is so unaware of his surroundings that he is a disaster on the move. He can't help it , but tries. (He's an adult) I look after my baby and preschooler grandchildren and the 4 yr old has MUCH better spacial awareness.
I think it sounds like your Dh really can't help it and you just have to be in charge until your little one is old enough to get out of the way himself!

Do you drive? Have you never been in a small car with a tall person and needed to change gear? It’s very easy to accidentally knock someone’s leg when changing gear. You sound like you want him to be abusive.

This situation is really sad. He obviously can’t help it. If he’s always been clumsy then that isn’t going to change just because he’s become a father. It does sound like dyspraxia to me. He’s clearly not doing it on purpose so doesn’t deserve to be denigrated by MN.

I know I'm dyspraxic because I can't catch items people throw at me for toffee. On the odd occaison I do happen to get it its only because there's nothing else in my eyeline. PE at school and team sports were horrible. I also ended up passing in an automatic car because the coordination of changing gear and doing other things was too much.
Shutting the dishwasher door on the child's hand however is a mistake any parent could make - why don't you put him behind a baby gate when doing that task so he can't get to the door?

My dad's accident prone, I am and so is my 6 year old son. We laugh it off but having watched my son and seen how similar he is to me and my dad I think it's something more. We all bump into objects, walk into walls, even shut our own feet in the car door as we close it before our feet are in (I know!). But all have excellent concentration skills when it comes to things like driving, operating machinery, fine art etc where deep concentration is required. It's like a complete lack of spacial awareness and awareness of surroundings. It's embarrassing and not always easy to laugh off. It's not a lazy or lack of care thing. I do find wearing descreet ear plugs to block out conversations (loop ear plugs) etc helps me with my motor skills and prevents all the different things going on from frazzling my brain so sure there is something more to it.

This.

some of these replies that DH is intentionally hurting the child seems bonkers to me.

you absolutely can encourage your little one to be careful of their fingers in places. Our loves the kitchen drawers, and cupboards and since she was walking we’ve said “watch your fingers” she never caught her finger but she very very quickly learned to shut drawers careful without her fingers there! She must have been 13 months old.

I’m not belittling the risks and dangers to a child, but you say you’re seeing a psychologist. Could you perhaps be carathrophising this? Leaving an otherwise healthy and caring relationship feels a massive exaggeration.

Oh that’s interesting! Sounds like my daughter who is ND.

The question is WHY has he always been accident prone? I have to say he sounds exactly like my brother who has dyspraxia. He isn’t able to coordinate properly and is always doing things like this. As a child he was just called clumsy at school. It actually distresses him and makes him avoid people because he doesn’t want to be that person but his brain just isn’t wired the same as other people. He isn’t actually aware he isn’t coordinating properly when it happens. He says in his mind he thinks he is doing something properly and it’s not til it’s gone wrong or someone stops him just before it goes wrong that he realises something wasn’t how he thought it was. And even then he still can’t understand it because his brain said he was doing it right. SIL forced him to do something about it in the end because like you, she just couldn’t live like it anymore. He has improved massively but says he has to think constantly over every little thing he does because his mind will still be telling him nothing is wrong with how he’s doing something when to everyone else he clearly isn’t seeing what they are seeing.

It's not the thing he can't help (possibly) that's the problem. It's the lack of concern he shows about it that's the problem.

I'm autistic, so I try hard to look out for my known difficulties and ameliorate them as best I can. I can't help being autistic but I can be motivated enough to redress the inevitable challenges it causes. Your DH needs to exhibit some of that motivation.

Definitely do not let your ideologically driven preconceptions about 'over diagnosis' influence you on something which is so very very serious OP.

If this is a lifelong thing, it's a lifelong thing. I am usually the first to point out abusive behaviour, and you shouldn't shut your eyes to the possibility - but don't ignore this likelihood either .

I am very clumsy and have poor coordination and poor spatial awareness to the point where I don’t drive or cycle as I think I would be risk to myself and other road users. I am however very careful around my child and have not had any major accidents yet. I think all parents will have some minor accident at some point though. I also recognise my limitations and acted accordingly such as not trying to do things one handed while holding DD as a baby and not making hot drinks while she is around.

Does he seem sorry when he hurts you or DS? If he doesn’t then I’d be worried that he’s doing these things (or some of them) on purpose. How on earth did he hurt you when he changed gear?!

he doesn’t care enough to … make adjustments

I had an operation recently and when we were in car he accidentally hit where I’d been cut, and then seconds later slipped changing gear and punched my leg.

These just do not read like accidents. He isnt even apologetic.

I have dyspraxia (Ehler’s Danlos). I didn’t know this when my kids were wee because it wasn’t a thing. I knew to be extra careful. I didn’t have accidents.

My DH was like this. Later diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia. He was just distractable. I couldn't leave young kids alone with him. My DH has been like this his whole life so accidents weren't so unusual in his mind. If this has always been your DH's normal, that could be why he shrugs it off. Not saying that makes it okay but sometimes there's a reason. I did get better when they were older and able to self supervise a bit more.

'he's constantly stepping on my feet'

'accidentally hit me'

'incredibly accident prone'

'choosing an outfit and didn't see DS trap his fingers' (distraction /executive functioning/ processing issue)

'I suggested maybe he needs some medical help' (other people notice that it's more than 'normal' clumsiness).

OP - these are literally all indicators of dyspraxia or another kind of neurodivergence which affects processing, executive functioning and spacial awareness. I don't know what you've read but your description of your husband on this thread alone fits a huge number of the characteristics.