Husband keeps having accidents with 15mo

So many on this thread letting their pure unadulterated hatred of men cloud any intellectual thought that it might actually be a psychological/dyspraxic impairment effecting his judgement and reactions and he just can’t help it. Of course when one of your own sons becomes obviously dyspraxic you’ll all be heaping as much contempt on him too because he’s just male and doesn’t care. 🙄

I feel the same, the paragraph about “accidentally” punching OP’s surgical wound really raises an enormous red flag to me.

I have dyspraxia, it’s pretty bad, as a symptom of MS. I’m constantly bruised and often have abrasions from walking into tables, walls etc. When my rabbits are running around or small children are visiting I watch my fucking step, as I couldn’t cope with the guilt of hurting a tiny being through my lapse in concentration. It’s not an excuse, and certainly won’t be if OP’s baby ends up in hospital as a result.

Again, he has not been diagnosed with anything and seems to be refusing to go down that road, so why should the OP alter her behaviour to placate his behaviour when he does not even have a diagnosis? Stop making women responsible for male behaviour. Not to mention the actual baby that is also being hurt in the process.

Sadly, there’s no such thing as magic. “Fixing the problem” will likely involve some type
of investigations into the likely cause of the accidents, seeing a professional, adopting strategies and such like. OP says “I’ve just said to him I can’t go on like this, he refuses to accept it’s nothing but an accident. I suggested maybe he needs some medical help, because something is distracting him. He refused to see it.” Based on OP’s posts it doesn’t sound like he is trying to fix the problem, magically or otherwise.

Or maybe it’s not so straightforward to change when you’re neurodiverse?
And people get defensive when people shout at them too so I don’t think that approach helps.

To be clear, I do think he needs to put strategies in place to help protect DS, but it probably isn’t as simple as ‘you’d remember if you cared enough’.

Exactly. Fair enough if his hand slipped and he tapped her leg but to have a balled fist and bring it down with enough force for it to be classed as a punch? That sounds deliberate to me.

So he does not care then, as he is prepared to carry on hurting his son and his wife rather than find a way of managing the situation. The OP’s posts make it clear that he is doing nothing about the situation. She is so upset she has told him she can’t carry on like this and wants to see a psychologist and he is still not acting-so he clearly does not care. Are you not able to deduce that from behaviour like this? Actions are more important than words, and he is failing on both counts.

This! Exactly my thoughts, his lack of guilt and care and brushing things off as accidents is the issue. If it’s an accident then it’s an accident but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t care that you have hurt someone especially your wife and child.

What does he suggest as a possible solution? Does he accept that hurting his son like this isn't acceptable? I know you said he dismisses it as accidental, but that doesn't mean nothing can be done, does it? So what's he suggesting would help? If it's genuinely just clumsiness and he is planning to continue to be around his son, and even responsible for him at times, then he's going to need to come up with some strategies to prevent constantly hurting and harming him isn't he?

No - she is assuming he doesn’t care enough because he hasn’t magically fixed the problem.

"I feel like he doesn’t care enough"

I don’t think it’s implausible either.
I accidentally groped my driving instructor while trying to change gears.
The shame!!😳

Punching you changing gear in your surgery site sounds very much deliberate sorry

OP said “I know he cares, as he can be loving, but I feel like he doesn’t care enough to be on alert all the time or make adjustments.” So yes, he cares, but not enough to do something about it.

Where does the OP say he is shrugging his shoulders and doing nothing? Its the OP telling him that there is nothing wrong with him and that its all his fault so what would he investigate?

The OP also says he does care, its her assumption that he doesn’t care enough because he hasn’t managed to rectify the situation.

Many posters here with experience of dyspraxia have said he should follow up for an investigation. The OP is the one providing google diagnoses which fit with her presumptions and losing her temper frequently.

OP, I'd recommend that what you do is write out a neutral, factual account of each incident.

E.g. date, what happened, effect, what you said, what he said/how he reacted. No adjectives.
Below each factual account I would include a commentary which is why you think it happened/what you felt.

Ideally do them in different colours or underling.

E.g.

Fact: 1 May: DH changing gears, hand collided with my leg, I said X, he said Y.
Comment: it hurt me like a punch, I felt very upset when DH said X because it came across that he was minimising it. I felt it could have been avoided by more carefully checking for tge gear. If he had been driving more slowly he would have had more time to do so.

When you have done it, leave it for a couple of hours and then check it (a) covers everything and (b) properly distinguishes neutral facts and commentary.

Then, if you feel able, ask a trusted friend or relative to read it for their views.

Give the account to DH. Tell him you want him to read and reflect on it calmly, by himself, and that he can write out his own commentary to each incident. Tell him it is not the details of each incident but the overall picture that is now upsetting you. Anyone can have one accident, but repeated accidents require an intervention. Tell him that you are doing this not to blame him but to find a solution that protects everybody, including him. Importantly, he is to write out and reflect upon his response to your log, rather tjan speak to you, because this requires calm and consideration.

His response to this will tell you what you need to do. Because if he refuses to engage in the exercise, or tries to fight or diminish it, I'd be considering (a) marriage counselling and (b) seperation.

You sound quite blasé about this. Are you not concerned that you’re a danger to your children?

I do not think it is possible to “accidentally” punch anybody in that situation, so we will have to agree to disagree. And your DS’ diagnosis is irrelevant to be honest. Because the OP’s husband does not have a diagnosis. And if he is unwilling to explore getting diagnosed, and therefore developing coping mechanisms that suit his diagnosis, then the OP cannot make any other assumption than his behaviour being purposeful.

In any case, as I have said, no diagnosis makes it acceptable to hurt other people.

OP never said he doesn’t care.
She is assuming he doesn’t care enough because the accidents are still happening.

It doesn’t really matter whether there’s an underlying reason why he’s so accident prone, the issue is that he doesn’t care enough about your or your child’s safety to either investigate the cause or get more help.

Gently pointing it out and shouting hasn’t worked so I would escalate. I would quite literally die for my child so it follows that I would do a lot to protect them, even if that means protecting them from an irresponsible father. Tell him very calmly that you consider him a danger to your child and you love your child enough to end the marriage and do everything in your power to ensure that he does not have unsupervised contact with your child. The accidents are concerning but not caring about it is even more worrying - your child could lose fingers or he could crack his head open! Not to mention, someone outside of the home will eventually notice and you will be in danger of social services getting involved.

If that’s aimed at me, you’ve completely misunderstood my posts.

The sinister thing is that he doesn't care enough to even acknowledge it's a problem.

But he does need to sort himself out-that is his responsibility, not hers. And the fact that he keeps shrugging his shoulders and not attempting to resolve the issue is a clear demonstration that he just doesn’t care. So how exactly is the OP wrong?

I think if you're not a clumsy person (I'm not), then clumsy people do seem to be doing it on purpose. It just seems bizarre that people can fall over their own feet or drop stuff on a regular basis.

It's still on them to be less clumsy though, especially if they're putting other people at risk. It's not OK to say 'sorry I didn't mean it' when you are shutting baby's fingers in doors, not once but twice, and punching people in surgical wounds. Your husband needs to start taking this seriously as it's just not right that he's endangering his own wife and child and apparently it's not his fault as he's just a bit clumsy!

So he doesn't smash his glasses, drop his contacts or poke his eyes out?

But accidentally punches you?

No, I didn’t miss it and I do think it was accidental (as does OP) so don’t agree with your use of inverted commas there.

DS has dysraxia and OP’s description of her DH rings a lot of bells.