Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

She only knows about it bc someone else told her! MIL did not invite her fgs

How is she planning on getting him to the surprise, surely she’ll be expecting you to help with that or turn up at the same time.

That is a fair point… in a healthy relationship which ever way you look at it, the MIL shouldn’t feel threatened and the DIL shouldn’t feel excluded.

But to answer to you….if you were calling your MIL to know about it, would she cancel your call and not answer to your husband question/confirmation of you being able to come?

Maybe it's a surprise for you too. I hope it turns out to be something nice and for a good reason.

Op, seriously.

I mean, you have got to wonder if you want to be part of this? Him not « succeeding » to get you invited to his birthday on the day that have to be free…no time no place…

He should have had the answer first time asked and as soon it was said you were kept in the dark. Why on earth is it still going on? And why are YOU doing anything at all?

advice: stop. Don’t call. Don’t text her anymore. And tell him you did. Book yourself for the day and do not go when you are told last minute. Let her have the day and him have his mum organised it. That is what they both want. Hence you are still out.

Also, leave him. Picture engagement drama, mariage drama, children drama…everytime she wants to do something basically.

I don't understand this because if my mother in law arranges something with my husband she wouldn't invite me individually, she'd naturally assume my husband would tell me about it. Is that not normal?

You think she can’t? I bet you she can and Son will « not want to upset her ». So she will indeed have to leave.

You could text MiL and tell her seeing as you’d not heard anything you’ve booked a city break away and tell them the flight is the day before the birthday.. Essentially this is ruining your bf’s birthday - you need to go and knock on her door and get the details out of her and suggest to her to grow up as she is causing upset. I don’t know what happened with you trying to organise a party and that could have been seen as antagonistic but at this point, you need to not ruin the birthday

So what are you going to do?

This is what I would do.
I wouldn't assume I needed a separate invite, details etc.

She has properly got the arse with you, OP.

I think you need to think very carefully how you proceed with this. Your DP sounds like a bit of a drip and unwilling to tell his mum to stop being such an arse and respond properly. I noticed that she’s never planned anything for him before, so there might well be deeper issues there, but I don’t think you’ll be able to count on him to stand up for you. I also think that if you tell him you’re not invited so you won’t be there, I think he’s likely to get annoyed with you for not just assuming you’ll be going with him, because it’s easier to get cross with you than falling out with his mum.

I think you’ve got three options here. You arrange to be with him on the day, dressed in your finest, so that you’re ready to go when he’s told to make his way to the party. You plaster on your biggest smile and you make out like you were number 1 on the guest list. Or, you keep totally quiet and say nothing to DP or his mum. She’ll either message you the details before the day, or she won’t. And if she doesn’t, then she can explain to him why she didn’t invite you. Or, you send her one last message, telling her that you understand that she’s angry with you, but that it is undeserved and you were just trying to do your best for her son, so would she please respond to you so that his birthday isn’t overshadowed by his mum and his girlfriend arguing with each other. If she doesn’t respond to that, then revert to option 1 or 2.

I have to say though, I wouldn’t be too impressed if his response to me was ‘I don’t want to talk about it’.

I'm hoping that's this a a surprise for both of you, and its all gone a bit pear shaped and she's panicking at what to do now you keep calling her. Bar that, she's totally batshit and very mean.
I'd have to know what's going on though... interrogate his friends maybe?

His mother is not your problem. You have not been invited to the party and are clearly not welcome and not involved. He either goes alone or he doesn’t go. I would be saying very very clearly that if he goes to a family organised 40th birthday party without you - your relationship is over. No ifs or buts.
The onus is on him to sort this out and if he prioritises this party over you - it is clear you should ltb. A decent man would have said to his mother ,at stage one, that this behaviour was unacceptable.

I'd keep quiet now and let it all play out. It might be that she is including you in the surprise bit? As in, she's expecting you to tag along with him and have the surprise as well? Perhaps that's wishful thinking, either way, sit back and try not to let it upset you. Life is too short to both allow something like this to upset you but also to be treated this way. So observe and then make decisions about how to handle the future based on what happens xxx

Sounds like his mother is deliberately excluding you.

Dont bother with her childishness.

Let her do whatever and plan your own 40th surprise and don’t invite her

Don’t bother chasing her, just tag along with your BF of the day, she can hardly kick you out.

I second that.

Run away from this family!

Fuck the mother’s surprise,you and him go and do something.

Meanwhile you are kept in suspense waiting to see if you are included or not because no one has the manners to tell you whether you are invited or not..

PPs have said you should just assume you are, but I don't think you can with all this going on.

Its a really stupid game the MIL is playing and your partner refuses to discuss it?

I don't know how far away this birthday is, and how long the pair of them expect to keep you in the dark and on tenterhooks, but there should be a moment of enough is enough

I would just join him for the party. And if MIL said anything to me at the party I would tell her son and I have been together for 3 years so of course I am in the party.

It's a surprise party so her BF doesn't have the details so how is she supposed to attend?

And even if it was assumed that she will attend why is MIsl ignoring her after throwing a tantrum with her son?

Are you sure that she’s not telling you so that it’s a surprise for both of you? If it was my dh id turn up with him.

As I said in my last post you need to stop chasing her and let it be. This is a test for your bf and he seems to be staying silent and begrudgingly prioritizing his mother over you.

Don’t call his mum again, her actions are telling exactly what she thinks about you. This situation has the potential to end your relationship, if I were you I’d let my bf go and celebrate his birthday with his family.

Dont argue about it, just let it happen, then sit back and see how his mother handles your non attendance and how your other half responds.