Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

458 replies

Becwi · 28/05/2025 07:20

My boyfriends 40th Birthday is coming up shortly.
I Had messaged his mum to see if she had organised something, however after not hearing back after a few days presumed she hadn’t. So I organised a surprise to do something and invite along lots of his friends, She messaged me back 2 weeks later and said yes, on the date I had planned too. I explained that because I hadn’t heard back I’d planned something.
Shes then rang my boyfriend shouting about it, not once confronted me about it.
I said don’t worry I’ll cancel what I’d planned to stop any drama and caused arguments with me and my boyfriend.
so fast forward 6 days before, I get a message from his friends girlfriend asking me what I’m wearing, what the plans are after his party. I know nothing about this party!
i haven’t mentioned it to my boyfriend because I don’t want to ruin his birthday, upset him or cause drama.
AIBU for being so annoyed and so upset about no invitation?

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 28/05/2025 23:06

OK, long shot.... You say that prior to this you had a really good relationship with your BF mum. Could she have organised something for the two of you? A weekend away or something that she is also trying to keep from you?

Could the 'party' be a red herring?

strawlight · 28/05/2025 22:53

Becwi · 28/05/2025 19:51

I’ve decided to tell him everything. He’s gone mad, he’s not happy with his mum at all. I told him ringing her shouting down phone won’t do either of them any good.

Show quote history

This is the point at which you two book to go away somewhere lovely together, and arrange a knees up with all your mates when you get back. Bollocks to his mother, she’s being a cow.

Codlingmoths · 28/05/2025 22:46

Theunamedcat · 28/05/2025 22:45

He doesn't know his mum has been deliberately blanking her and refusing to communicate with her giving her the impression she isn't invited/welcome

I would be unimpressed too if this was my mother (who forgets my birthday tbh)

Show quote history

I think he did but he shut the truth out. All he had to do was casually ask oh what did mum say when you asked her? Like normal people….

Theunamedcat · 28/05/2025 22:45

Codlingmoths · 28/05/2025 22:31

Everything? What else is there? He knows: that his mum called him shouting because you tried to organise something. He knows you don’t know when it is because you asked him. What else is there to tell him? Does he also think 1+1=7 ?

Show quote history

He doesn't know his mum has been deliberately blanking her and refusing to communicate with her giving her the impression she isn't invited/welcome

I would be unimpressed too if this was my mother (who forgets my birthday tbh)

Codlingmoths · 28/05/2025 22:31

Becwi · 28/05/2025 19:51

I’ve decided to tell him everything. He’s gone mad, he’s not happy with his mum at all. I told him ringing her shouting down phone won’t do either of them any good.

Show quote history

Everything? What else is there? He knows: that his mum called him shouting because you tried to organise something. He knows you don’t know when it is because you asked him. What else is there to tell him? Does he also think 1+1=7 ?

Pudmyboy · 28/05/2025 22:26

Okay I haven't read the whole thread, but part of me is thinking: what about the party guy? Seems like he is caught in the middle of all this and is set to have a pretty miserable birthday, whoever he spends it with!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 28/05/2025 21:39

Becwi · 28/05/2025 19:51

I’ve decided to tell him everything. He’s gone mad, he’s not happy with his mum at all. I told him ringing her shouting down phone won’t do either of them any good.

Show quote history

Sorry this sounds upsetting for you.
Has it become clearer whether you were invited or she just didn't want you to come?
And has he told her whatever kind of party it is, that you should be there... it sort of still sounds like it hasn't been settled.
He seems to veer between saying he won't talk about something or wanting to shout down the phone at people. Either way, he doesn't sound like a great communicator. Because the issue of whether you go to his birthday party or not shouldn't have blown into such an issue if you'd felt able to tell him and he was able to talk about it without shutting down the discussion (not your fault btw) Maybe his mum is the same and doesn't realise how awkward she's making things? (I'm being generous, but it's a possibility perhaps)

Blablibladirladada · 28/05/2025 21:22

AthWat · 28/05/2025 21:06

What an odd world you live in. Life isn't like EastEnders, you know.

Show quote history

Never watched this. Not even once so I couldn’t say.

Go and have a wide search on Mumsnet and you might find what indeed an odd world we all are living in. You included. Doesn’t mean we all live the same…

Firefightress1 · 28/05/2025 21:17

Your partner needs to grow a pair sounds like he loves the drama! Unless there's a massive back story after 3 years it sounds like mummy isn't ready to give up her golden boy. I'd be raging and offended and so would my partner!

AnnaL94 · 28/05/2025 21:12

Becwi · 28/05/2025 19:51

I’ve decided to tell him everything. He’s gone mad, he’s not happy with his mum at all. I told him ringing her shouting down phone won’t do either of them any good.

Show quote history

I’d end the relationship.

They both sound crazy. (Your boyf and his mother).

AthWat · 28/05/2025 21:12

NoSoupForU · 28/05/2025 19:19

I don't understand this because if my mother in law arranges something with my husband she wouldn't invite me individually, she'd naturally assume my husband would tell me about it. Is that not normal?

Far too normal to provide entertainment for the masses here, unfortunately.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 28/05/2025 21:09

Frostynoman · 28/05/2025 19:18

You could text MiL and tell her seeing as you’d not heard anything you’ve booked a city break away and tell them the flight is the day before the birthday.. Essentially this is ruining your bf’s birthday - you need to go and knock on her door and get the details out of her and suggest to her to grow up as she is causing upset. I don’t know what happened with you trying to organise a party and that could have been seen as antagonistic but at this point, you need to not ruin the birthday

She doesn't need to do this, her issue is with her BF not his mother. He is making it very clear that he is prioritizing not upsetting his mother over standing up for his GF.

Edit: I see OPs update that she has told him everything and he's upset so it looks like he is supporting her.

I still maintain that OP doesn't need to engage into any back and forth texting with MIL, let him handle it and if she continues to exclude OP I will expect her BF to refuse to attend the party.

AthWat · 28/05/2025 21:06

Blablibladirladada · 28/05/2025 19:19

You think she can’t? I bet you she can and Son will « not want to upset her ». So she will indeed have to leave.

Show quote history

What an odd world you live in. Life isn't like EastEnders, you know.

NormalMeh · 28/05/2025 20:42

OP, what’s your explanation of her odd behaviour? What do you think is really going on?

PopcornKitten · 28/05/2025 20:40

Becwi · 28/05/2025 19:51

I’ve decided to tell him everything. He’s gone mad, he’s not happy with his mum at all. I told him ringing her shouting down phone won’t do either of them any good.

Show quote history

This is a positive sign. Maybe it has taken him a while to process and realise what has been happening.
he doesn’t need to shout and scream down the phone but he does need to set boundaries regardless of how difficult he finds it to do this.
if the boundaries are broken then he needs to enforce consequences.
you also need to speak with him about what he would like to do as well as what you would like to do. The priority is your relationship and the fact that he should be able to choose what he wants for his birthday.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/05/2025 20:38

Blessthismess2 · 28/05/2025 20:24

This is bizarre. How is this man 40??

It sounds like a cross between mum not accepting OP as GF and competing with her.

Blessthismess2 · 28/05/2025 20:24

This is bizarre. How is this man 40??

LivelyMintViper · 28/05/2025 20:12

You've made every effort to contact her. At the very least she is bloody rude
Your DP should tell her she either sorts this out or he is not attending. And you give up trying to contact her. It's become ridiculous now. You don't deserve this

Littlejellyuk · 28/05/2025 20:12

Oh my, this isn't good 😕
Any more updates 🍿

RealEagle · 28/05/2025 19:55

Becwi · 28/05/2025 19:51

I’ve decided to tell him everything. He’s gone mad, he’s not happy with his mum at all. I told him ringing her shouting down phone won’t do either of them any good.

Show quote history

welll at least he’s got your back

RampantIvy · 28/05/2025 19:55

Becwi · 28/05/2025 19:51

I’ve decided to tell him everything. He’s gone mad, he’s not happy with his mum at all. I told him ringing her shouting down phone won’t do either of them any good.

Show quote history

Good to hear that he is team Becwi.

Itiswhysofew · 28/05/2025 19:51

Ilovelifeverymuch · 28/05/2025 18:19

It's a surprise party so her BF doesn't have the details so how is she supposed to attend?

And even if it was assumed that she will attend why is MIsl ignoring her after throwing a tantrum with her son?

Edited
Show quote history

My mistake. I thought the mother had given him details of the party.

Original poster
Becwi · 28/05/2025 19:51

RealEagle · 28/05/2025 19:46

What u going to do?

Show quote history

I’ve decided to tell him everything. He’s gone mad, he’s not happy with his mum at all. I told him ringing her shouting down phone won’t do either of them any good.

OP posts:
RealEagle · 28/05/2025 19:46

Becwi · 28/05/2025 19:10

This weekend it is.
enough is enough of right now. He’s said wait give her a couple more days, nope.

Show quote history

What u going to do?

Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/05/2025 19:45

MyRootinTootinBaby · 28/05/2025 19:36

How is she planning on getting him to the surprise, surely she’ll be expecting you to help with that or turn up at the same time.

It doesn't seem like BF's mum pays her any attention, or consideration. I'm assuming she acts as if OP simply doesn't exist, so will deal with her son directly.