Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

Also, if she's this unhinged I wonder if she will make YOU look bad for not being at the party.

His mum is organising him a surprise birthday party?

Id message and say, can't wait for the party! I'll bring the cake xxx

It would be better to ‘ruin the surprise’ and talk to him about this now than wait h til it dawns on him at the party that you’re not there. Knowing about the party in advance is less likely to ruin the party than getting there, realising you’re not there for some reason and knowing he’ll have to deal with the fallout of that.

this.

It seems odd after 3 years of being together, your first port of call was to ask a 40-year-old's mother if she's planning something. She probably felt awkward and put on the spot.

Can't you just text her and ask what the plan is now you've had confirmation she's doing it?

I agree with pps. Why is his mum planning your partner's birthday? That's weird. What does your partner think is happening for his 40th? It's usual to discuss birthday plans together, isn't it?

Exactly, you do know there is a party. That’s why you cancelled your thing.

That's an expansive answer to all of the questions asked.

In all of this, why haven't you spoken to your "boyfriend" - after 3 years it seems like that is the person I'd be talking to and not his mum.

Is the girlfriend talking about the event you organised without realising you cancelled it?

Amd why is his mother acting like an overbearing bitch and your boyfriend siding with her (inferred from you saying she phoned and you cancelled plans to appease your boyfriend). Thats a red flag in itself.

If he's turning 40 and you want the marriage and kids stuff, put him in the bin because you don't need this drama for your future kid.

Ask his friend's girlfriend when and where the party is and just go anyway.

But you know there’s a party and you know when it is. I don’t see that as not being invited? Just go with your boyfriend!

Funny how your BF hardly features in this drama, other than it being his birthday, but he manages come over as a spinless character who sits back allows the women in his life to organise it for him.and squabble over him.

I would be very wary of getting further involved with a 40 year old man whose mother is so involved in his life that she takes it upon herself to still organise his birthdays for him even though he has been in a relationship for 3 years.

Why oh why did you text her?
when my BF (now husband) turned 40 i organised a party and invited his family and his and our friends.
i know you thought about doing the right thing by asking his mum first, but you should take ownership if you re both adults and in an adult relationship.

with all due respect

Who is organising the party? The mother?

You need to go directly to her via text and when you get her reply, drag your boyfriend into the mess she has made.

She is being spiteful and you need to tell your boyfriend even if it ruins the surprise because presumably after 3 years he loves you and would be gutted to get there and realise you've been deliberately shunned?

If I went to a party and my boyfriend of 3 years hadn't been invited out of spite I'd be leaving on the spot because what sort of arsehole does that??

A red flag would be your mother organising your 40th birthday party. Is that weird or is it just me. But there does seem to be communication difficulties. Taking two weeks to reply to a message. Why didn't you just ring her up.

Maybe it’s just me, but isn’t planning your child’s 40th super odd in itself!? Why did you ask her if she had? It makes me wonder whether the delay was a reaction to your question. In asking her if she’d planned something maybe she thought she shoukd have so went ahead? Something doesn’t stack up here.

Yes thiis. Where's the son in all this?
The mother rang the son shouting about it, so now he knows op was arranging something and that she is, but what does he say about all this? It's all so weird.

How is it a surprise party if his mother has complained to him about you organising something else on the date?

What does he want to do for his birthday?

How long have you been together? Do you live together? The fact you have his mum's number suggests something of a serious relationship. Is your relationship with her normally good or has it always been strained? It could be that she just genuinely forgot - my friend recently arranged an event for me (albeit not a surprise event) and forgot to invite my mum...

As an aside, why are both you and your boyfriend's mum going behind the back of a 40 year old man to plan his birthday, with seemingly zero input from or consultation with him about what he wants to do? If I or my MIL did this to my DH he'd be fuming; he hates surprises and hates a fuss being made of him. The fact you're both trying to organise surprise parties for him suggests he possibly hasn't been forthcoming himself in making celebration plans, and maybe there's a good reason for that?

Had you invited his mother when you were making plans for his birthday?

The party his mum is planning isn't a surprise

And she already told you (1) she's arranging something and (2) the date

Won't she be expecting her son / your partner to share details with you?

Surely you would have to address with your boyfriend that you won’t be at his 40th birthday because his mum obviously dislikes you?

Really this relationship isn’t going to go that far if his entire family excludes you and he’s just there in the middle either oblivious or uncaring ?

Why did you think the mother would have been organising something for his 40th?

Did you invite the mother? Not saying you should have but perhaps she was offended first about being asked if she was doing anything, taking the question as an expectation, then at you going ahead and not inviting her.
I mean if she liked you before, she's obviously offended or hurt at something enough to not invite you.

I think you need to say something to her, not by text, ring her or meet up to clear the air and find out what's going on.

What does your boyfriend say in all of this, haven't you had any conversations about whether you'll be doing anything for his birthday

How fancy is the surprise place that it needs outfit plans?