Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

458 replies

Becwi · 28/05/2025 07:20

My boyfriends 40th Birthday is coming up shortly.
I Had messaged his mum to see if she had organised something, however after not hearing back after a few days presumed she hadn’t. So I organised a surprise to do something and invite along lots of his friends, She messaged me back 2 weeks later and said yes, on the date I had planned too. I explained that because I hadn’t heard back I’d planned something.
Shes then rang my boyfriend shouting about it, not once confronted me about it.
I said don’t worry I’ll cancel what I’d planned to stop any drama and caused arguments with me and my boyfriend.
so fast forward 6 days before, I get a message from his friends girlfriend asking me what I’m wearing, what the plans are after his party. I know nothing about this party!
i haven’t mentioned it to my boyfriend because I don’t want to ruin his birthday, upset him or cause drama.
AIBU for being so annoyed and so upset about no invitation?

OP posts:
Tiredofallthis101 · 28/05/2025 09:16

Just go with him. If she is weird about it or says there isn't space for you or something it is the perfect opportunity to publically show her weird behaviour for what it is. 'Sorry Jackie - I just assumed you expected us to come together, I've never heard of a birthday party where a long term partner wasn't invited. I'm sure someone won't show up so there will be plenty of room.' Said with a very confused expression.

JDM625 · 28/05/2025 09:15

IMO, the weirdest thing about this situation is why on earth is the mum organising a birthday party for a 40 year old adult man who has a longterm partner and plenty of friends ?!?

This ^
Does he still live with mummy?

PiriPiriMenopause · 28/05/2025 09:14

YANBU! (I pressed the wrong button!)

She sounds ghastly. Have you had issues with her before?

MoreChocPls · 28/05/2025 09:12

Why not just tell your BF that you’re not involved in any plans for the date he has been told to keep free?

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 28/05/2025 09:11

Twobigbabies · 28/05/2025 08:44

I don't know anyone over 21 who has their birthday parties organised by their mums. Very strange

True, sounds like she planned it after OP asked her if she was planning one.

He needs to put boundaries in place OP.

As others have said, you're his plus one, so you go with him.

HGC2 · 28/05/2025 09:11

This needs sorted one way or another here I think, I'd just ask message her and just remind her casually that she hasn't told you where you have to be or when, you'll know what you need to do next based on her reaction

Littlejellyuk · 28/05/2025 09:08

Did your MIL not tell you the location amd time in case you blabbed and snitched on this dodgy 40 year old man child's weird surprise?
Maybe she thinks you cannot hold your own water and blab?
Maybe she thinks you are late to every event and she wants him to be on time?
Maybe it's a storm in a teacup and MIL assumes you will be with him and join the surprise?
IDK ?
Or maybe, just Maybe, this is all a bit strange and you need to have a rethink about the fact he's attached to apron strings here?
MIL sounds a bit crackers to me tbh 🤦‍♀️
Maybe he's loving all the fuss and attention, as she's never done anything like this for him before?

You know what would be really wild?!
Communication! 😆
I cannot understand why you haven't just rang or knocked at her house and spoke to this woman about this?
Are you a shy person OP? Do you hate confrontation 🫂 My MIL was a shy lady, but we always communicated 💕

Please speak to the mates GF, and find out the time and location.
And also speak to MIL and your own BF and make sure you attend if that's what you really want.
And if you do attend, make sure you look and feel fabulous.

Hugs to you 🫂

Doncarlos · 28/05/2025 08:59

Your boyfriend sounds like a big baby.

Goodgrashus · 28/05/2025 08:55

Do you live together? Or does he still live with his mum?

Doitrightnow · 28/05/2025 08:51

Are you sure the girl was asking you about a party organised by mil? Is it possible she didn't get the memo that yours is cancelled and was referring to that one?

Also, do you need an invitation? If you and your BF know the date is it just assumed you're both going and will hear the details together on the day?

TheGreyQuail · 28/05/2025 08:51

FGS don't marry or have kids with this man, if he's that tied to mummys apron strings.

Spirallingdownwards · 28/05/2025 08:50

Call her.

Hi MIL. What time and where do I need to be to surprise X now we were going with your plans or do I just need to be with him and be surprised too?

It isn't a surprise event now just location as your partner knows that it is happening just not what. I suspect if he isn't involved in the planning of his non-surprise he doesn't even realise you haven't been given details either.

Nominative · 28/05/2025 08:50

Presumably he's going to be asked to turn up somewhere? So you just go with him.

Koazy · 28/05/2025 08:46

Just ask him if you’re invited

Spirallingdownwards · 28/05/2025 08:46

Becwi · 28/05/2025 08:09

He had already asked for something to be planned for him as a surprise.
His mum said at beginning of the year that she was thinking about doing a party but not heard anything since, hence why I asked her.
Yes, I know date but don’t know time or location.

Does he? If he does surely just ask him and go with him - like a normal couple

2021x · 28/05/2025 08:45

Honestly… the drama isn’t going to be worth it. If he knows you aren’t invited to his birthday than he sounds spineless and not worth you time.

Sometimes walking away and leaving people to themselves is the best thing you can do.

xx

Twobigbabies · 28/05/2025 08:44

I don't know anyone over 21 who has their birthday parties organised by their mums. Very strange

JasmineAllen · 28/05/2025 08:43

Becwi · 28/05/2025 08:32

All he knows is just to keep the day free. He has no other details.

Show quote history

Maybe his mum is assuming you'll come with him? I don't think it would be unreasonable of her to think this?

IMO, the weirdest thing about this situation is why on earth is the mum organising a birthday party for a 40 year old adult man who has a longterm partner and plenty of friends ?!?

Original poster
Becwi · 28/05/2025 08:39

londongirl12 · 28/05/2025 08:35

What did your BF say when she rang him shouting about it?

He was annoyed with her, said she was in the wrong. But should just let her do it because she’s never planned anything for him before.

OP posts:
londongirl12 · 28/05/2025 08:36

Sparrow7 · 28/05/2025 08:33

Personally I would get all the details from your friend and just turn up with your boyfriend as if you were invited. Act lovely to mil as though you had an invite and watch her silently seethe!

Absolutely!!!! And the reaction from your BF should decide whether this is someone you stay with…

londongirl12 · 28/05/2025 08:35

What did your BF say when she rang him shouting about it?

Sparrow7 · 28/05/2025 08:33

Personally I would get all the details from your friend and just turn up with your boyfriend as if you were invited. Act lovely to mil as though you had an invite and watch her silently seethe!

Horses7 · 28/05/2025 08:32

Turn up with him at his ‘surprise’ party - his mum sounds a nightmare. Don’t let her bully you. Look a million dollars and perhaps book a hotel for afterwards too. Beat her at her own game.

Original poster
Becwi · 28/05/2025 08:32

harriethoyle · 28/05/2025 08:28

Just ask your boyfriend what time you need to be ready to leave on Saturday and go with him 🤷🏻‍♀️

All he knows is just to keep the day free. He has no other details.

OP posts:
Flamingoknees · 28/05/2025 08:29

She complained to your boyfriend, so that meant everyone knew about it then, including you. Is it not just expected that you will attend with him? No invitation necessary, as you are a couple? Might it be you who is now being a bit weird about it?