Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

This! Ask the friend who asked what you are wearing, where the part is and just turn up 😀

She definitely didn’t have anything planned until you messaged her.

Go with your boyfriend. Invited or not. Do not kick up a fuss or say anything about not being invited.

After the event you need to sit down with your boyfriend and have a frank conversation. He needs to back you up 100%. No letting things slide, no excuses of “that’s the way she is”. He must speak to her about why she didn’t invite you.

Maybe she just expects u to come but doesn’t want to tell u the details in case u spoil the surprise? Or maybe u need to ditch the bf and mother in one go??

Just go with him.

Why would OP go along when her boyfriend hasn’t made it clear to OP and his mum that his partner is a must- have for the party?

This

Sometimes I think that Occams Razor applies to threads. If they seem to be full of the most high drama possible with uninformative and unresponsive one liners that address pretty much nothing anyone has said...

Far too much drama for me this. Its possible MIL just assumes that you will be turning up together so she doesnt need to tell you any details until she tells your DP the plans. You haven't addressed how shes planning on getting him to the party? Surely someone has to tell him when and where to be, so he can actually turn up there? Just be there with him. Hes not going to walk out of the house and leave you home alone is he. And if he does do that, then you need to run far away!! Get ready together, leave the house together. Its really not that difficult ffs.

This is so strange. Whatever his mum has or hasn't done wrong, is not the issue. The issue is whether or not your boyfriend wants you to be at his birthday celebration. Or whether he would still attend if he knew you weren't invited.

Just ask him? It's highly unlikely he doesn't want you to go with him? That wouldn't make any sense.

If he doesn't want you to come, or doesn't care if you don't come, then he isn't a proper partner - I don't know what else to say.

God I'm finding this too ... it's almost like it's not real as you're giving us nothing but one liners.

You've been with him 3 years and he won't tell you what his mother has said and he's letting her change the subject. Why is he being vague with you too?

I would be phoning her up and asking her or do what a pp said, text her to say neither of you have any info on the plans so you're going away for the weekend.

Weirdest thing for me aside from the mum
organising her sons 40th is the fact OP calls him her boyfriend after being together for 3 years. You sound very young OP.

The first thing I thought when I read your post about the girlfriend contacting you is that she is cautiously trying to open the topic with you.

I'd phone her back and explain that you don't actually know anything.

Then I would message mil and say "So there is no further confusion, can you let me know if I'm invited to the party. If I am can you send me the details."

If nothing, I'd message two days later. "Ok I'm assuming I'm not invited to the party which is very confusing to me."

And I would go completely NC with her if not apology and explanation was forthcoming after that. And if that was awkward for boyfriend tough. If he expects you to put up with shitty treatment he's not the guy for you.

Now I'm going to give one other possible scenario. You said she's never organised anything for her son. I'm assuming this means children's parties. Perhaps she feels bad about this and wanted to plan this one however has no experience planning anything like this.

I have a family member like this and I can see this scenario unfolding around them; they would decide they want to organise something, not send the details out, not be able to fully organise it and get really angry and snappy when asked as they are overwhelmed. This person once said they were planning a big birthday for me. I kept wondering why they weren't asking me for a list of invitees. They just wanted to deliberate forever on what things might be fun to do. I kept saying will you just plan something, anything and tell me where to show up. There was nothing organised. She didn't phone a single venue or contact a single friend or family member. The week before I arranged a lunch out and she called me a control freak forever.

Is there anyway this could be the case?

Either way make one last attempt for clarification on whether you're invited.

@Becwi - maybe the best thing to do is to message your BF's mum and ask her what time the two of you should arrive at the party?

Does that mean he's OK with you not being invited, could you answer a bit more fully?

When she gives him the details, you go along with him! She probably weirdly thinks she doesn't want the surprise spoilt for him even though other people have presumably been told times and location! Think what's best for him!

If OPs replies on here are anything to go by you can see where all the ridiculous confusion is coming from! It’s like pulling teeth!

This. As a couple I'd assume he/they will just turn up somewhere btogether - eg a pub - and find people waiting

It blows my mind that you wouldn’t mention it to your boyfriend. It would be the first thing I’d do because I’d be comfortable enough to do so and know I am supposed to be there with him

Id just assume I was going too, I don’t know why you think you’re not. You’ll know where to go when he does!

Can’t you ask the friend’s gf what the plans are?
and then can you phone the MIL and just ask her what is going on? Ask her outright why she isn’t replying to your messages.
it’s all very weird and I can’t believe your bf has allowed this to play out. It sound more like a teenage party than something for 40 year olds!
Do you really want to be with someone who won’t stand up for you and allows his mum to treat you with such little respect?

She couldn't be assuming that you know what's happening and she doesn't need to invite you formally, could she, @Becwi?

I really hope this is a simple misunderstanding, because the alternative is that she is being deliberately nasty to you, and you don't deserve that!

I don't think its that wildly weird a parent organizing something.

My mam has passed away so won't see my 40th but for my 30th she got the whole family (albeit we are only a small family of 12 in 4 households) together for a fancy meal.

It didn't step on DH toes though, he still organized his own plans too and was obviously invited to the family party too.

Organise to arrive at the party with your BF. Look lovely. Be kind and charming to the old bag.
Make sure bf knows you had organised something but deferred to his mums plans that she made after you'd made plans.
Let his mum make an ugly scene, it will only look bad on her. Kill her with kindness. Nothing will annoy her more.

That's what I'd do. Make sure you plan something special for the two of you for hos 40th then post the pics all over your socials for her to see.
You got this queen. If you cant charm her, charm everyone else. Then she's the one with the problem !