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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not invited to my boyfriends surprise birthday party

458 replies

Becwi · 28/05/2025 07:20

My boyfriends 40th Birthday is coming up shortly.
I Had messaged his mum to see if she had organised something, however after not hearing back after a few days presumed she hadn’t. So I organised a surprise to do something and invite along lots of his friends, She messaged me back 2 weeks later and said yes, on the date I had planned too. I explained that because I hadn’t heard back I’d planned something.
Shes then rang my boyfriend shouting about it, not once confronted me about it.
I said don’t worry I’ll cancel what I’d planned to stop any drama and caused arguments with me and my boyfriend.
so fast forward 6 days before, I get a message from his friends girlfriend asking me what I’m wearing, what the plans are after his party. I know nothing about this party!
i haven’t mentioned it to my boyfriend because I don’t want to ruin his birthday, upset him or cause drama.
AIBU for being so annoyed and so upset about no invitation?

OP posts:
Bumcake · 28/05/2025 14:00

Bellaboo01 · 28/05/2025 13:11

Pick up the phone- call your partners Mum and arrange it together.

What a weird situation!

That’s been suggested 41 times so far, OP won’t even respond to the suggestion.

TheSilentSister · 28/05/2025 13:55

It all sounds so petty and I wouldn't want to be involved with a family like that. If he can't tell his Mum that you will be there then that surely shows the kind of man he is. He's 40, not 4.

BuckChuckets · 28/05/2025 13:50

Becwi · 28/05/2025 09:50

He has and she said don’t worry about it.

Show quote history

And why didn't he say actually I AM worried about it, because you haven't invited her, so you'd better get in touch with her ASAP with the details? Does he even want you there? Because I don't understand why he's not getting this sorted if he's bothered about you being there?

UnicornBubble · 28/05/2025 13:49

Becwi · 28/05/2025 08:32

All he knows is just to keep the day free. He has no other details.

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In theory, as his partner, you would be the one accompanying him wherever he goes, so don’t worry about not knowing the location etc. Just get yourself dressed up and go with him. Don’t miss out on a special event for him because your “in-law” is on a selfish power trip!!

I bet he wouldn’t be happy if you’re not there with him xx

ThisZanyPinkSquid · 28/05/2025 13:47

She sounds horrid!! I would call her instead of messaging. If she doesn’t answer turn up at her door. She’s old enough not to act like a child so speak about it with her and see what the issue is, as clearly she has an issue.

Original poster
Becwi · 28/05/2025 13:45

thischarmimgwoman · 28/05/2025 13:02

Does your partner / did your partner know about either of the party arrangements? I’m a bit confused.

I’d told him to keep the date free. But then she told him she’d planned had a surprise for that day

OP posts:
CiaoMeow · 28/05/2025 13:41

Navyblueberries · 28/05/2025 12:45

Just don't turn up. Explain to him afterwards that you weren't invited. See what he does.

I would be sorely tempted to do this. I doubt I'd enjoy it anyway after all this drama.

Left · 28/05/2025 13:41

Could she just be being coy with the details because she’s keeping the surprise a secret? You might just need to turn up with partner on the day x

PopcornKitten · 28/05/2025 13:40

Pawse · 28/05/2025 12:58

Blimey I'm the mum of a 40 year old and no way would I be organising his birthday if he had a girlfriend of 3 years!

And if I wanted to organise a family meal or similar I'd chat with son & girlfriend first to see what suited them.

This is beyond weird OP.

100% this.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 28/05/2025 13:37

OP did you invite her to the party you'd arranged?

If not, that's why she hasn't invited you to the one she's arranged.

Oioisavaloy27 · 28/05/2025 13:35

The mother has already told you, you said so yourself.

CookingFatCat · 28/05/2025 13:29

I’d let them crack on with it. Your bf isn’t that bothered about you enough to talk to his own mother. Tells you enough, you decide if what you want a mummy pleasing bf.

Starzinsky · 28/05/2025 13:18

I think you need to speak to your boyfriend about this. It's his birthday he needs to take some control.

PopcornKitten · 28/05/2025 13:16

im pretty sure that in a committed relationship, Mummy doesn’t need to arrange a birthday surprise for her son. That responsibility would lie with a long term spouse.
I’m really sorry this is happening to you.
you do need to nip it in the bud or this kind of behaviour will continue.
what do you want to happen?
what does your DP want to happen?

SheridansPortSalut · 28/05/2025 13:14

This is just another example of why surprise parties are awful.

Bellaboo01 · 28/05/2025 13:11

Pick up the phone- call your partners Mum and arrange it together.

What a weird situation!

thischarmimgwoman · 28/05/2025 13:02

Does your partner / did your partner know about either of the party arrangements? I’m a bit confused.

thischarmimgwoman · 28/05/2025 13:01

Sorry, but whose mum arranges a party for an adult child? I’ve never come across this in real life.

Pawse · 28/05/2025 12:58

Blimey I'm the mum of a 40 year old and no way would I be organising his birthday if he had a girlfriend of 3 years!

And if I wanted to organise a family meal or similar I'd chat with son & girlfriend first to see what suited them.

This is beyond weird OP.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 28/05/2025 12:52

Becwi · 28/05/2025 11:14

He was, but he just kept quiet and she changed the subject. He’s getting really annoyed at the situation and doesn’t want to go, wherever it may be. Now when I’ve brought it up he just says he doesn’t want to talk about it.

Show quote history

Well the ball is in his court to see if he will stand up for you or choose to keep his mother happy. I wouldn't push it anymore at this point and just wait and see.

Whatever he decides will tell you where you stand on his priority list and then the ball will be in your court to decide if you want to accept and continue the relationship, demand changes or move on.

Lurkingandlearning · 28/05/2025 12:52

I think you said she told you she is organising something and the date. Just send her a text saying you’re looking forward to it and is there anything you can help with. Hopefully she hasn’t been trying to exclude you and this will fix the misunderstanding and poor communication.

If she has been intending to exclude you she will have to stop being shady and say so or just accept you will be attending. As she has been so indirect (spineless) I doubt she will be anything other than sweetness and light on the day

RampantIvy · 28/05/2025 12:48

@Becwi I think I'd be inclined to let the cat out of the bag and tell the BF that his mum has arranged a surprise party and that you haven't been invited.

I would be interested in his reaction.

Navyblueberries · 28/05/2025 12:45

Just don't turn up. Explain to him afterwards that you weren't invited. See what he does.

pinkyredrose · 28/05/2025 12:43

Becwi · 28/05/2025 08:09

He had already asked for something to be planned for him as a surprise.
His mum said at beginning of the year that she was thinking about doing a party but not heard anything since, hence why I asked her.
Yes, I know date but don’t know time or location.

How is it a surprise if he's asked for it?

Jollyhockeystickss · 28/05/2025 12:41

Im sorry this is mad, if i were you i would be saying to him that id had enough and im not organising anything for his birthday and that im not turning up at his mothers to be ignored at a party and that im too old for this ☆☆☆☆ and if he doesnt grow a pair and sort it out with mummy im off and we are over.....you are 40 not 14