To secretly speculate about my friends' future divorces

flossydog · 2025-05-27T20:21:22+00:00

I don't share my thoughts out loud as it'd be mean and hurt trust if it got back to them, but I often find myself trying to guess which of the couples I know are most likely to split up. Is that really bad?? Anyone else do this...?

Original poster

flossydog · 28/05/2025 10:15

Tomatotater · 28/05/2025 08:53

@flossydog Do you think it's something to do with you not being married in a LTR? Maybe subconsciously you think they have made a bigger commitment or gesture, but if they split up it says to you that it doesn't matter that they had a wedding and you didn't, so somehow justifies your decision? I'm no psychologist but you only mention divorce whereas unmarried relationships with children are far more likely to end than married relationships and you don't mention guessing which of your friends in unmarried ltr will split?

I suppose I was using divorce as a shorthand as it really does feel like I'm surrounded by married people, but now you mention it, one of the couples I think are fairly likely to eventually split aren't married.

Who knows what's going on subconsciously. Actually in the last year or so at least three couples I know have split (two married and acrimonious, one unmarried and amicable), and so I guess it's been more on my mind.

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healthybychristmas · 28/05/2025 09:02

Playsillygameswinstupidprizes · 27/05/2025 23:11

You’re divorced though. So hardly anyone to take relationship advice from.

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Do you really think someone who is divorced can't give relationship advice? That seems really strange. Sometimes absolutely the very best thing to do is to end the relationship you are in if it's abusive, controlling or if the person is an addict for example. Relationship advice doesn't mean telling someone how to put up with a bad marriage.

Tomatotater · 28/05/2025 08:53

@flossydog Do you think it's something to do with you not being married in a LTR? Maybe subconsciously you think they have made a bigger commitment or gesture, but if they split up it says to you that it doesn't matter that they had a wedding and you didn't, so somehow justifies your decision? I'm no psychologist but you only mention divorce whereas unmarried relationships with children are far more likely to end than married relationships and you don't mention guessing which of your friends in unmarried ltr will split?

Tomatotater · 28/05/2025 08:44

ClareBlue · 27/05/2025 23:21

The stats aren't high. It's a miss reading of stats that people quote to predict marriage failure. The lowest number of people got divorced for 50 years in 2022. It's that a significant number of people are not getting married anymore that increases the DR. That's the real social change, not people giving up on marriage.

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It's also skewed by second marriages which have a higher rate of divorce than first marriages. Anyway, I thought we'd moved on from divorce being seen as some kind of moral failing. My parents were married for 50 years when my dad died. Not a day went by without them arguing or my dad leaving the house for the entire day and my mum ringing me to slag him off or him telling her being married to her was some kind of life sentence.

UndermyShoeJoe · 28/05/2025 08:34

Yeah there’s been a few but it’s been pretty obvious. You know the 4th time married high odds that it was going to fail and it did.

There is one that I think will purely last for the money as they separated before they got married and there was some pretty bad things said and yet got back together and married but he seems to be allowed to do whatever and she buys whatever.

Im sure my mil is still counting down the days to our failure and my own aunty likely as she was very heavy on the you know you don’t have to like someone had a gun to my head and don’t make the same mistake I did.

abnerbrownsdressinggown · 28/05/2025 07:56

DH and I occasionally have this conversation - as pps have said the divorce rate statistically makes it likely that some of the couples we know will divorce!

We’re late 40s and I’m half expecting the next round of divorces to start when DC start leaving home.

minnienono · 28/05/2025 07:46

We have speculated but privately about friends, we all do a bit of honest! When I got divorced a really good friend was shocked as she thought out of the 4 of us in our friendship group, I was least likely (she was already divorced)

2ndbestslayer · 28/05/2025 07:43

No I can't say I do this about my friends. I don't really like to think of them miserable and life not working out well for them.

I'd rather work on the assumption they're all happy.

MsDDxx · 28/05/2025 07:41

Playsillygameswinstupidprizes · 28/05/2025 00:34

@flossydog But why do you think you’re the exception to your own rule? Surely you must think your friends think the same about you? Been together over ten years, relationship a bit stale at that long, then add kids into the mix. You’ve admitted it’s added tension.. said a few friends broke up last year that you didn’t see coming. That could be you by the end of the year. You say your happy and secure, never fight bad can imagine you live together a long time but you’re friends who you were shocked at breaking up probably thought the same thing. I predict you might be posting about a blindsided breakup pretty soon.

Why do you seem to have taken this thread (and lots of the posts!) so personally? I’m married and I’m not insulted by it 😂

MsDDxx · 28/05/2025 07:38

TeenLifeMum · 28/05/2025 00:16

I was commenting on why people didn’t come to our wedding because they decided we wouldn’t make it. It’s relevant to the post and the reason they gave for not coming. Not sure why you’re quite so offended.

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Just ignore them - this poster has been really weird throughout this thread and seems to have taken every post personally.

It’s bizarre. A nerve touched perhaps 🫢

ThatLimeCat · 28/05/2025 02:44

I do this too, I think a lot of people do. Just keep it to yourself.

Original poster

flossydog · 28/05/2025 01:25

GingerPussInBoots · 28/05/2025 01:14

Oh my mum told me once she did this about her kids…. three of us….

I didn’t respond and she didn’t elaborate further

made me feel yuk

100% I would feel the same if my mum said this to me. I know for a fact she didn't want the relationship to last at the beginning (I think she's now come around, but who knows what she could be secretly harbouring in her own heart)

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GingerPussInBoots · 28/05/2025 01:14

Oh my mum told me once she did this about her kids…. three of us….

I didn’t respond and she didn’t elaborate further

made me feel yuk

CalicoPusscat · 28/05/2025 01:11

I wouldn't spend too much time on it!

Original poster

flossydog · 28/05/2025 01:09

Playsillygameswinstupidprizes · 28/05/2025 00:57

But you haven’t answered anything I asked and instead reflected on yet another friend who seems to have had marriage troubles in your opinion. You should maybe stop looking at your friends’s relationship and start looking at your own marriage. You really do seem to be projecting. If you’re unhappy then end it. And I wouldn’t wait until the kids are grown either as you’re just making yourself miserably for numerous years and the kids will pick up on it and end up miserable.

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I see now you asked whether I think my friends wonder the same thing about me... maybe! But I think probably most would conclude that we're unlikely to split any time soon.

I genuinely am happy. Having a child means we're both more stretched, but we're also good at working together, talking to each other. I feel like we're on the same page. We put importance on much the same things. And there's still that spark between us. But we're also not wholly dependent on one another, we've both got friends and hobbies outside the relationship.

Funnily enough, I know this hasn't been your intention, but the more I talk about it here, the happier I am with where I'm at! Life is pretty good. And maybe it helps we've been lucky in various ways with work, money, etc. We've got a lot of slack. Besides having a child, we don't have a lot of the big things that put stress on relationships.

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Playsillygameswinstupidprizes · 28/05/2025 00:57

flossydog · 28/05/2025 00:47

@Playsillygameswinstupidprizes Like I said, I think most of my friends will stay together, so I hope we're not the exception to that. Still, it could happen!

We recently went to visit a husband and wife who had been married a long time now and I remember thinking that I would not put up with how the guy spoke if I were in that relationship. Always correcting her. Do I think they'll split up? Maybe. Maybe not as she's put up with it for a long time already. Maybe it doesn't bother her? But it did make me think my own relationship had a lot more basic respect. We're not always bickering or telling each other the other is wrong, we apologise when we're ever impatient or curt. Stuff like that.

But then... does that make it more likely we'll split if we lost that basic respect? If I woke up one day (maybe when our kid is grown) and saw that we were always arguing and resentful, would I not want to make it work? I guess I'll have to wait and see, right. @girlwhowearsglasses is right, some couples really should split up, after all.

But you haven’t answered anything I asked and instead reflected on yet another friend who seems to have had marriage troubles in your opinion. You should maybe stop looking at your friends’s relationship and start looking at your own marriage. You really do seem to be projecting. If you’re unhappy then end it. And I wouldn’t wait until the kids are grown either as you’re just making yourself miserably for numerous years and the kids will pick up on it and end up miserable.

ClareBlue · 28/05/2025 00:56

33 years in and married 28 years. These are the real signs it's going to go wrong, imo
Not being kind to each other. Financially and emotionally mean.
Not listening to a partner and correcting or belittling them, even in 'jest', especially in public.
An addiction that squashes all respect and love.
That's about it. I would say any relationship you know that has failed you would have seen those traits before it failed.

Original poster

flossydog · 28/05/2025 00:47

@Playsillygameswinstupidprizes Like I said, I think most of my friends will stay together, so I hope we're not the exception to that. Still, it could happen!

We recently went to visit a husband and wife who had been married a long time now and I remember thinking that I would not put up with how the guy spoke if I were in that relationship. Always correcting her. Do I think they'll split up? Maybe. Maybe not as she's put up with it for a long time already. Maybe it doesn't bother her? But it did make me think my own relationship had a lot more basic respect. We're not always bickering or telling each other the other is wrong, we apologise when we're ever impatient or curt. Stuff like that.

But then... does that make it more likely we'll split if we lost that basic respect? If I woke up one day (maybe when our kid is grown) and saw that we were always arguing and resentful, would I not want to make it work? I guess I'll have to wait and see, right. @girlwhowearsglasses is right, some couples really should split up, after all.

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ClareBlue · 28/05/2025 00:47

I was covering that with don't marry a dick head 😂😂

Original poster

flossydog · 28/05/2025 00:41

Overtheatlantic · 27/05/2025 21:51

Thoughts held in mind produce their kind! 😬

I had wondered this. Whether thinking about other people breaking up would make it more likely I'd feel disatisfied with my own relationship. But in a way, it's been reassuring. I think we've got more in common with the friends that I think will stick together, and less with those I'm not sure about.

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girlwhowearsglasses · 28/05/2025 00:35

Pfffffft. I think a lot of you are holding a lot of store by ‘not getting divorced’ as some kind of ‘win’ at life.

IMHO plenty of my friends should have got divorced - including the ones in abusive relationships where the ‘D’H had so undermined the wife that she didn’t believe anyone could ever love her, or the one where the ‘D’H put the wife in hospital, or the one where the partner slept on the couch for eight years and refused to leave the house when the relationship broke down. those should have got divorced and all to the good, but unfortunately for my dear friends they did not.

Playsillygameswinstupidprizes · 28/05/2025 00:34

@flossydog But why do you think you’re the exception to your own rule? Surely you must think your friends think the same about you? Been together over ten years, relationship a bit stale at that long, then add kids into the mix. You’ve admitted it’s added tension.. said a few friends broke up last year that you didn’t see coming. That could be you by the end of the year. You say your happy and secure, never fight bad can imagine you live together a long time but you’re friends who you were shocked at breaking up probably thought the same thing. I predict you might be posting about a blindsided breakup pretty soon.

Original poster

flossydog · 28/05/2025 00:30

ClareBlue · 27/05/2025 23:14

The biggest factor to whether you stay married is if your parents stayed positively married, then your peer group, socioeconomic status and education. There are significant risk factors like early age, family role model, and cross culture and status marriages along with age gaps. Any marriage can overcome any of these, but they are the main risks.
The biggest risk is marrying a dick head.
What's your criteria for the predictive methodology, OP?

I agree with those factors. I think the younger couples are more likely to split— they've got more time to move apart. But the main factor for me is whether they have the same level of emotional maturity, things in common, and whether there are any sources of resentment. Stuff like unequal burden of housework or childcare.

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Playsillygameswinstupidprizes · 28/05/2025 00:21

CallIpswichNow · 27/05/2025 23:46

I would disagree with this actually. I know you were just being snide but it’s interesting to consider.

Sometimes it takes really good relationship skills to recognise that you’ve grown apart or whatever and getting divorced is actually a super-healthy idea. I can think of people who have done this that I would gladly listen to relationship advice from. And some others who are still married who I wouldn’t.

(not married or divorced myself but in a multi-decade relationship)

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When does that ever happen though?

Original poster

flossydog · 28/05/2025 00:17

@Playsillygameswinstupidprizes & @beasmithwentworth — I'm not single, I've been with my partner over a decade. I don't think I'm bitter, I genuinely wish my friends all the best and think on balance most will actually stay together. It's just, with the divorce stats and also the things my friends sometimes say about their relationships, I can't help but wonder!

Actually I remember when I was a teenager being really cynical. At 14, I remember when two friends of the family got together thinking, "oh they'll break up in no time". My parents divorced when I was a baby, my mum had had loads of failed relationships, so that's what I knew. Well this couple stayed together for years and I remember thinking that my cynicism was misplaced. But eventually it turned out the chap was having an affair and he left with the other woman. But really, just because my initial cynicism proved right in this one case, I realise it doesn't mean most committed relationships are like that.

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