Denying my neurodiversity

The post I replied to clearly says they don’t believe in the diagnosis ‘thing’

Yes, and when someone tells me their child is autistic, I automatically assume one parent, quite likely both parents, are as well.

Then we get on like a house on fire.

You can 'know'. A lot of people have a very limited idea of what autism is and how it presents, especially in women, so these kinds of denials are very common for those who have what would once have been called Aspergers.

I am autistic (would have been Aspergers diagnosis once upon a time). I don't have a diagnosis. People generally can't tell unless they know me really well. I feel no need to get a diagnosis, but I know I'd get one if I did go for one.

It doesn't matter and I don't care, but when I learned about it I related so perfectly.

I kind of see where @SmallFried is coming from.
Even once you have a diagnosis, you are still going to get people doubting it, disagreeing with it, and yes, if you mention it, you can't guarantee that everyone will be supportive.
Autism isn't always obvious in the same way as a physical disability and many many people have a really hard time with believing in hidden disabilities. We are wired to have more understanding and empathy of things we can see!

I have a child with autism and I've had people who have known my DC their whole lives tell my DC they're definitely not autistic. I had one person tell me my DC was not autistic despite a diagnosis, yet this person said her child was autistic with no diagnosis. 🤔
That's the way some people are.

There’s no medical diagnosis. The OP believes she has autism and she may well be correct. She might be incorrect.

I read an interview with her recently.

OP, your mother isn’t a qualified specialist (and as Suzanne O’Sullivan argues, there’s wide disagreement and debate even among experts). You don’t need her to validate your diagnosis, if you are assessed to be autistic,

Most people who are autistic know before they get their diagnosis. The diagnosis is really for the benefit of other people who need that confirmation.

Ignore the doubters OP, you are better informed on your condition than they are.

First, as far as I could tell OP doesn't have a diagnosis, she has a referral from a GP for further testing.

But also, @smallfried isn't presenting an irrational or minority view. Of course it's one you disagree with but it's not uncommon even among scientists and clinicians in the area. There's a really significant debate around autism diagnoses, and more so re women where the categorisation has been changed to fit the fact that women don't largely, present with the same symptoms seen in boys/men.

There's a very interesting book about it - and other diagnostic matters - by a prominent neurological consultant Dr Suzanne O'Sullivan called 'The Age of Diagnosis' which looks at loads of the science issues around diagnosis as well as the benefit (or lack thereof) of diagnosing certain things. She also takes issue with the suggestion around some ND communities that neurotypical people consistently find life easy, social interactions a breeze etc., given that of course life and all that comes with it are difficult for everyone. She explains it better than me obviously!

Have you looked at right to choose assessments? The waiting lists are shorter generally

But you'll meet more people that don't really gel with the whole diagnosis thing, so you need to toughen up and ignore us and don't take our views personally.

Some people are into diagnosis, some aren't. That's fine. You do you and don't let anyone else get to you. Just ignore and move on...

Such ignorant comments. Why should anyone have to "toughen up" because you think your ill-informed opinion is equivalent to a diagnosis by a consultant psychiatrist,
@SmallFried?

This is probably the strangest, most dismissive post I’ve ever seen on MN. A medical diagnosis is not a belief. Would you say that to a diabetic?

Is it possible that your mum just doesnt want you to be autistic? It sounds like quite an aggressive response when she's calling your GP a liar.

Some people don't agree with self diagnoses. Maybe your mum is one of those.

How did it come up in conversation?
Some people have been diagnosed for years and it never comes up in conversation. Is it the first time you've discussed it, or the first time your mum has reacted badly?

I think this is a really good way forward, compassionate yet practical.

Many people think they know a lot more about autism than they actually do, and they are often extremely uninterested in your opinion of whether they are right or wrong.

So sorry to hear that. I think take the silver lining that you know your mum isn't the right person to share things with and keep her at arms length. You know how you feel and your personal experiences. I hope you find some support and guidance with a diagnosis and that understanding of yourself continues to grow.

Everyone has their urn limitations, foibles and blind spots. Try to accept her as she is she find a way of managing that, rather than expecting her to be something different. If that means sharing some aspects of your adult life with her and not others, so be it.

It's just how it is OP.

Some of us are grumpy old sods and don't really believe in all these diagnoses. I personally think autism and ADHD are well over diagnosed. I've got a friend that apparently has both. In my opinion she doesn't have either.

I try and be supportive but I think my views seep through and we r distancing from each other a bit. That's just life. She great but we r different people now to when we met. She's into embracing the ADHD. Autism identity, reading up on it all, talking about it all the time, identifying with it etc... that's cool but not my bag. We r different now so fine to go our separate ways. When we met we bonded over our kids, our.interests, our humour. Now she wants to bond over her new identity etc.. which is fine, but it's going to take her to new people and our own friendship is changing and moving in different directions now and that's ok!

Thing is, I like this person and don't want her to give a damn what I think. If she's happy, then good for her. If you r happy then good for you! Don't listen to people like me. We have our opinions, you have yours. The diagnosis works for you, so go with it and just ignore people who don't agree. We honestly aren't with it! But don't try and change our mind or wish things were different. You believe what you believe, others believe differently

But you'll meet more people that don't really gel with the whole diagnosis thing, so you need to toughen up and ignore us and don't take our views personally.

Some people are into diagnosis, some aren't. That's fine. You do you and don't let anyone else get to you. Just ignore and move on...

Your mum is probably revealing that she only has knowledge of severe autism. Uneducated/inexperienced and especially older generations can know very little about neurodiversity and often deny they exist or “we r all a little bit autistic” etc.
you don’t need your mum to validate what you already know yourself.
to be accepted for diagnosis you have to meet a minimum criteria of symptoms /traits, so it is very likely that you are.
I suggest that you DO NOT ask your mum to complete the historical questionnaire that will need to be completed as part of the assessment?, do you have another relative /family friend who would be able to recall your early childhood? Do you have your school reports from aged 5?
My parents were disbelieving of my sons ADHD/ASD but they do think is he is very “lively and doesn’t know when to stop” they don’t like family meals (because he doesn’t sit still) . Pretty sure they think it is my parenting skills despite sibling being opposite in behaviours. They would likely describe autism and ADHD as people who are alway out of control, violent, non-verbal, constant stimming, poor intellect.

When I first broached the subject with my Mum she was like absolutely not, no chance, no way and shut the conversation down, didn’t want to discuss it. She just needed time to get her head around it I think. She then watched some documentaries - she phoned me after watching one Chris Packham did and said I think you could well be autistic. She wrote pages and pages of examples from my childhood for the assessment.

Obviously your Mum is not my Mum but I guess what I’m saying is give it time, it can be a lot for someone to take in - particularly a parent.

Oh her mother, I missed that post.

It’s ignorance. People can mask their issues so no one knows. It’s possible she was try to make you feel better (as though autism is a problem. But I would reply “you don’t know me very well then!”

Hi op. I'm late diagnosed. Just to say, when you get a diagnosis there could still be some ignorant and dismissive people mumbling about the high rate of diagnoses these days or that you are attention seeking. I never know when to raise it.

I knew it would be your mother before I read your post where you said it was. I would go for an autism assessment if you can, my friend went for one and didn’t have to wait very long on the NHS.
the only thing was she had to fill in a questionnaire dating back to when she was born, which might be tricky with your mums attitude.

I'm sorry your mum reacted that way. As she's never been supportive (from the little you've said about her) I would stop sharing stuff like that with her.

I'm likely autistic (no diagnosis although I started the process but didn't complete my forms) and I know my remaining parent would deny it, though not as nastily. He'd see it as a slight on his parenting- my parents were outgoing and just despaired of their anxious and shy daughter.

Keep going with the process, I'm glad you do have a supportive friend

Let me guess, it was your sister who made that insensitive and rude comment?

Try not to be upset, be glad you're not the person who thinks it's ok to speak like that.

Wishing you all the best OP. One step at a time.

I’ve been telling my elderly mum that a good number of my fantastic nieces nephews have adhd or asd and for years my mum has rubbished and dismissed what I’ve said despite seeing all the difficulties the kids have faced day to day. Kids are now all young adults and all diagnosed. I suspect a mixture of elderly age, lack of relative experience and normalising behaviours, kids masking made it harder to spot.