AIBU to have cancelled DD having friends over?

Where is your DH in all this when she's being cheeky and rude? I hope he's calling her out for shitty behaviour too and not leaving it all on you.

As there’s been an apology I’d be clear the behaviour isn’t to happen ever again but allow the friends over (mostly because I want my 17 yo to choose to hang out here because then at least I know where she is - so it’s not just for her benefit). A conversation about her behaviour happening again will have more serious consequences - phone no longer paid for or something similar.

i have a 17yo and she tried the nonsense about a year ago. I said “er no, that’s not how I’m being spoken to! Come and speak to me when you can do it nicely.”

DH should back you up

She needs to suck it up the consequences. You aren’t her emotional punchbag and she has to understand that.

ideally you should have given her warnings but she pressed your buttons.

Good on you. Your DH should be backing you 100%

@BlackBean2023 yes stick to your guns. The fact that her friends will lose out is hardly much of a problem. They were only expected to stay over it’s not like they were going to an actual party or overnight city stay somewhere so they’ll hardly be out of pocket or denied a unique experience that can’t easily be rearranged. If anything it’s a good thing as she’ll say how her actions have a ripple effect consequence as in it spread to her friends beyond yourself and herself. So the reprimand will be more impactful. There’s no point in postponing the punishment for a time when it’s impact is less strong and so the message possibly doesn’t get through so well.

@WildflowerConstellations I understand that, it's the same at any age but apologies shouldn't count for nothing and as op said she's had exams and hormones to deal with.
At 17 it was always my Mum who copped for it from me, no punishments could have changed how I felt, I was miserable at times and couldn't help it and lashed out at the one person who was closest to me.

I think there should be consequences for her behaviour but I wouldn't be cancelling her friends.

YANBU, at that age she should understand consequences for rude behaviour. Stick to your guns

YANBU - hopefully if you follow through with it on this occasion it will give her pause for thought about her behavior going forwards.

I don’t like these kind of punishments for younger kids, but it’s not like the other parents are relying on you for childcare!

And a 17 year old shouldn’t need a warning that if you behave like a bitch people don’t want to do favours for you, I’d expect my ten year old to know that.

Yanbu. Stick to your guns.

Good for you.

@Wildywondrous all that'd teach her is that she can do what she likes then if she says the right things she'll get out of any consequences to her actions.

Keep it cancelled

Cancel the driving lessons / Paying for phone or internet or anything like that
If she wants to use the wifi at home, she has to learn respect. She’s 17. Not a baby

You’re 100% right. My DD is 17 and not a chance i’d tolerate any of that. If she cannot respect you then i’d be doing the bare minimum for her. I am a very laid back parent but draw the line at disrespect, rudeness, no way i’d be spoken to like that in my own home. Your DH should be stepping up and holding firm that this behaviour won’t be tolerated. Why are you paying for everything when she’s earning a decent amount for a teen?

Going against everyone else here but as she's apologised I'd let her friends come round but tell her that you and her are sitting down tomorrow and there are new ground rules being set, she should also contribute to the food for the evening and she should prepare it.

My eldest is only 12 so those years are ahead but I hope mine has a job and is learning to drive at 17, she sounds responsible but emotional.

I do agree that you need to put your foot down but I don't think I'd cancel a group of friends at short notice, I'd pick a different hill to die on.

Stick to your guns. I don't know why pp are wringing hands about the other kids' plans, they're 17 they'll sort themselves out.

i would not do this
I think it is too big a punishment
And it sounds like this is a reaction to all she has been doing recently
Better to address things as they arise
But I would say she was in last chance saloon ,if this happens again you will follow through
Am not sure why you mention that you pay for her food, I think that is fairly standard as she is still at school

I’m on the fence - did she get a warning?

She's 17, not four! A 17yo shouldn't need to be told that rudeness, to anyone, is unacceptable.

This OP.

Good on you, well done.

Your DH needs to back you up.

Your DD needs to learn to treat people with respect.

Perhaps the facts she is so upset could be the turning point? Or is it just tears to get what she wants?

Is there any way to compromise? E.g. you'll let it go ahead, but if there is any more rudeness then her phone is cancelled and there will be no more driving lessons?

I'd have done exactly the same. At 17, she's not a little child, with limited understanding. She's very nearly an adult, and needs to understand that there are consequences to rude, obnoxious behaviour - even at 17! It's a lesson learnt for her, don't speak/treat people like shit, and expect them to roll over and take it. If there's a specific issue then she needs to speak to you in a calm, respectful manner. It won't do her any harm and may be she'll rethink her attitude. I'm sure if the shoe were on the other foot, and it was your husband being treated like shit, your husband would be of the same opinion as you!

She has 6 weeks ish until the summer holidays so should be trying to be more pleasant in the hope that she can invite her mates over.

Well done OP 👏 Don't back down or she'll know you're a soft touch.

I completely agree with you. She's far too old to be behaving like that and the sooner she suffers the consequences, the sooner she will think about changing her actions.

Entitlement and rudeness are two of the worst traits a person can have and they absolutely need to be stamped out.

Yanbu