AIBU to have cancelled DD having friends over?

YANBU - it’ll be a salutory and important lesson that she’ll remember. Sounds like she’s got very complacent which is absolutely not on. Well done you.

I can see why you wouldn't allow her to go ahead with the sleepover but there's no point in punishing behaviour you don't understand.

You need to make some time for her and try to work out what has triggered this behaviour. Just like toddlers, teenagers don't always understand what's happening in their own brains or know how to manage their emotions. It's your job to help her figure it out.

That doesn't mean you should tolerate the bad behaviour. Firm, clear, predictable boundaries are important, alongside reassurance that you still love her and support to help her work out what is happening and whether there's an unmet need of some sort.

Unfortunately I don't think this will teach her anything. Be lucky it's only kicking in now.
I would graciously accept the apology however I would ask for extra help preparing and maybe 🤑 too contribute and a wee warning if she speaks to you like that again and there is a party,no party.

Its good she's wanted to do it' at your 🏠

YANBU. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

My DD went through a phase that she only wanted friends around if I wasn’t here and I was just ???? What am I supposed to do, book a hotel? If she wants “privacy” she needs to pay for her own housing I suppose.

The amount of people who would have let her keep the sleepover after her "apology" isn't surprising given the poor behaviour from so many kids/teens these days.

It's not a genuine apology, she's just begging not to face the consequences of her actions. This wasn't a one off loss of temper, OP said this has been an ongoing problem. The fact she's perfectly capable of talking respectfully to her dad shows that it's pure nastiness and spite and absolutely needs to be punished accordingly.

YANBU and if you change your mind her behaviour will continue

Cancel it

She's rude to you but still fine with her DF -is that because he's the pushover who'd let her have her own way Op?

This. I don’t blame you at all OP but I would have backed down after the apology as long as there was a full discussion about her behaviour once the friends had gone home.

Your DH should back you up.

Cancel it once and you’ll see a change.

Too much to lose now by backing down, you will have shown her you are a walkover and she can come between you and your DH.

YANBU at all. 17 is far too old to be pulling that shit. This is a great time for her to start doing her own laundry and paying for her own driving lessons.

@BlackBean2023 you’ve done the right thing.

I think this was a bad idea, if you're trying to encourage good, kind behaviour this is going to do the exact opposite. Bitterness and resentment is all that will come from this.

Have you wondered why she's suddenly obsessed with her looks and make up? What's happened there? Why she's hardly going out? If she's struggling with friendships then you've really put the nail in her coffin.

Poor kids she's obviously really unhappy and struggling and you think the answer is this.

I'm not saying there shouldn't be consequences - doing her own washing or things that will make her more independent. No making her hugely unpopular with her friends because they've all been binned off.

The money thing is not related

facts are rudeness has consequences. She’s recently pushing boundaries so she needs to understand respect.
she won’t learn that if op capitulates

I can see why people are saying YANBU

I’m not sure if it’s the punishment I’d have chosen though, as it’s one that affects others too, and is quite a huge thing to jump straight to.

I might have said, you have to cater your own sleepover instead, or removed one of the things you pay for.

However I’m pretty sure this will be effective so maybe it was the right choice!

(I do have a 16 yo DD but so far we haven’t had this so I don’t know exactly how I’d react.)

I think it’s the nuclear option. Presumably she has been repeatedly told off until now so this is not out of the blue as a punishment.

I would do what you have done.
Tell dh he needs to back you up. Just like when she was 3. Sod her friends. They will all get over it.

Your dd sounds anxious actually. She spends all day hauled in her room trying to get her makeup perfect by the sound of it. She’s mean to her mum, who is probably the one she’s most connected to so the safest person to be unkind to and mean to her little sister, who’s an easy target. She doesn’t go out much so is connected over the internet rather than irl with friends. The one time she has to have friends over, you cancel. She’s going through exams so extremely stressed even if this week she has a week off the exams, she’s still got revision and more coming up.

Yes, on the surface I can see why you’ve cancelled. But I hard disagree that this is a solution to what looks like a bigger issue.

I also don’t understand your comments about money, house keeping, food etc and would also ask you to think about talking about money in this way. My dd and her friend are year 12, I think yours is year 13 and they are very anxious about money, which has to be discussed in a really boundaries way around budgeting rather than any implied ‘threat’ that money may not always be readily available. It’s illogical really as both come from privileged backgrounds, especially dd’s friend, whose parents are multimillionaires. Idk if it’s this generation or their age.

Good for you.
If DH wants ger to have It, he caters etc and you go to a hotel.

And from now on you do nothing but basics for her. DH can do it all

I think you're not being unreasonable. She's old enough to know how to treat people properly. It might be worth having a conversation as to what's going on if this is fairly recent.

Having said that don't back down. She won't do it again when she finds out that the mouse has teeth (or something like that)

I don’t think yabu but the fact you mention that you buy her food and don’t charge housekeeping makes me suspicious we aren’t getting the whole story here.

She’s grovelling and apologising because of the consequences. Bet if there was no sleepover planned it would have been a different response.

next time she might think twice.

apologies must be made and can be accepted by it doesn’t reverse the decision.

she will be driving it all in your house the second you do that….

What if DD spoke to her Mum in that horrible way in front of her friends?
I wouldn't risk it because there would be no way back from that.

YANBU.

At 17 warnings/smaller punishments don’t seem necessary or appropriate.

I think this is quite a harsh punishment, so I would have gone for something a bit less drastic personally. Unless you've tried softer punishments and they have been ineffective?