AIBU to have cancelled DD having friends over?

These type of situations have to come to a head, usually with an explosion and fall out to reestablish expectations. You've got to show you mean it for any improvements or it will continue. Xx

You’ve done the right thing. It’s unacceptable and husband should be supporting you. It’s not him that’s been abused; it’s you.

I would cancel it and say; when we have an improvement in your attitude she can rearrange it….. but with the caveat that it will be cancelled again if she carries on.

Absolutely not are you being unreasonable. Nor would I be swayed by the tears - give in and she'll see that turning on the waterworks will get her her own way. It's a case of 'You've treated me appallingly for X months and spoken to me as if I'm rubbish. If you think I'm paying for you to host all your little chums, you've got another think coming! In fact, the Bank of Mum is closed - and don't try the Bank of Dad either.'

Consequences, consequences ... she'll have to learn.

Sorry - just seen your update. Well done, you!

I agree that cancelling a significant event would be excessive and unfair to the friends. But that's not what happened here, and no one is going to be devastated to have one night of hanging out at the house moved to another friend's house or rescheduled.

When I was a similar age my friend and I were due to go and see our favourite band, she did something that upset her parents who were taking us there and they decided she was no longer allowed to go, which meant I couldn't either- I was absolutely distraught as I'd been looking forward to it for ages and hadn't done anything wrong myself! Never forgotten that even though they did back down eventually and we went to the gig!
I think as this involves her friends too you should give a little bit of leeway.

Good on you, wish more parents would grow a spine like you!

My mother took my entire wages at age 17, in the 80’s, I got £10 back which had to pay for bus fares, lunches, anything I wanted to buy.

I had a paper round when I was at school and I had to hand thet over too, it was about £2 each week.

17 as in seventeen?
At 17 she should be preparing to leave home.
Instead she sounds like a little kid.
At 17 I was applying to different unis and working at my part-time job after school and I got along great with my parents.
Friends staying over ended years before.

My issues with my parents began and ended during middle school - around the ages of 12-13.
I never got an allowance, but we lived in a very small town and we never needed much money.

Your word is your bond: no means no.
Doesn’t it?

YANBU about time she learned that she can’t treated you any way she feels like and still get to have her sleep over it’s called actions have consequences and those are never something that she will like but she will learn.

I think she thought you @IberianBlackout
You play stupid games you win stupid prizes is a saying and also a Taylor Swift lyric.

Not a swiftie, pretty sure she just wanted to be able to let them smoke inside - we live in a flat and I’m very strict about not wanting any smells in my house, cigarettes or otherwise.

This went on for months though, she was very relentless. Eventually gave up and has never had any sleepovers since, which makes me a little sad, but if she thought she was going to use our home as a stopover for her stoner friends that just won’t be happening.

She listed that they pay for her food and that they don't charge her housekeeping. She listed it alongside paying for her phone. Why would any parent even think it's worth mentioning that they feed and house their minor child. It's a huge red flag that OP listed that like she's doing something her daughter should be greatful for.

Swiftie?!

Not sure how everyone is having such definite opinions when you haven’t said what she said or did that was rude, nor how you’ve handled it before

What utter nonsense! 🙄

Yes you've done the right thing. I was a pretty easygoing parent to my teens but the one thing I didn't stand for was rudeness and disrespectful behaviour. I didn't expect them to be grateful for everything that I did for them but I made it clear that I would quickly withdraw my labour if they were rude. At 17 your daughter is old enough to understand that she can't treat you this way. Hopefully this will give her a wake up call!

Have we read the same thing? OP hasn’t bragged that she feeds and houses her child, she’s pointed out that she has a job and therefore spending money whilst also getting her driving lessons/phone paid for. Doesn’t sound like she’s being unfairly treated to me.

Of course you're being unreasonable! She's your child so it's her house too and it's your job to pay for things while she is still so young and earning next to nothing.

You decided to have a baby, that's a life long commitment, you can't just bail on her because you're having a bad day.

IMO you have made the right choice.

I'm willing to bet her "behavior " is a direct result of the way you treat her. No decent parent thinks they're doing something extraordinary by feeding and housing their minor child. She's probably just starting to stand up to you. That why you're husband isn't on your side.

I think you have done the right thing. Don’t back down, if DH tries I would be really annoyed, he isn’t the one being treated like crap. She’s old enough to understand the consequences and why she’s having to tell her friends they cannot come.

Also, accept her apology and tell her you appreciate that she's sorry and look forward to her doing better moving forward, but I strongly disagree with your DH and posters that say you should go back on the stated consequence. Apologies are not magic words, they don't just erase your actions or hurt feelings, especially when those have been part of a pattern of behavior. There are a lot of adults in this world who will say sorry and then when the person they hurt doesn't immediately stop being hurt/angry/unhappy and go back to acting like it never happened the offender launches straight into victim mode... we don't need more of this in the world. Apologies are an expression of regret and a promise to do better in the future, not a magical undo button.

YANBU. This absolutely isn't going nuclear - cancelling one stayover with friends at 17 is not cruel to the friends or something that will have long-term repercussions for your DD and you haven't cancelled some big occasion or something she did a ton of work for, and her friends are perfectly capable of finding other plans without incurring any trauma. But I agree with some other posters that from the information you've given I'd say this hasn't been ideal as a larger pattern and moving forward I'd try to learn from it and make some changes.

It sounds like you've let things go on unchecked while you get more and more angry and it sort of hit a head. It's easy to let that happen, but it isn't ideal because the consequence feels unpredictable to your DC and you end up channeling feelings from other incidents into this one. Moving forward I would sit down with your DH and figure out some consistent expectations for your DD and consequences for not meeting them. She needs to have chores around the house (and consequences for not doing them unprompted), treat others with respect, and the spending you and DH do for her should be on a budget with her topping up with her earned money where she wants to.

@Sandy792 if she’s going to be bitter and resentful out of one cancelled sleepover that is only a consequence to her actions then OP has a much bigger problem in her hands.