AIBU to have cancelled DD having friends over?

I have a 17 year old DS and have similar challenges to yourself. My mantra to my son is treat people how you want to be treated. I’m hoping one day it will eventually sink in.

I'm just wondering why your daughter is like this to you. Everyone says "that's just how teens are" but it isn't. People just say that as excuse, when really their teens treat them like shit because they treat their teens like shit first.

Don't back down and don't let DH host. Otherwise you are teaching her there are no consequences for shitty behaviour. A line has to be drawn.

Stand your ground. It might deter her from being so rude to you next time. Good luck.

I think people are saying the consequence should not be binning the friends meet up but something else instead.

The trouble with this thread is that you can see the issue we have today, the OP is doing the right thing by insisting that her near adult should treat other adults with respect and giving her consequences to her actions and those condeming her because they believe kids should never be made to feel upset and thus never feel any deterrent to behaving as badly as they like!
It's the summer holidays soon and no doubt once they are here, the community pages in my area will be full of people begging parents to control their kids vandalism and trespass! We've got to that because people are afraid to upset their own kids!

Teenagers are obsessed with how they look, they are moody and maybe not that self confident but you can't accept bad behaviour because you want them to feel happy at all times! She's nearly an adult and I had a mortgage at 18, she needs to learn how she can and can't talk to people!

Agreed. My DC are learning to budget and handle money by paying a monthly phone bill and being responsible for any extras, like fast food with friends, etc. I also run a monthly clothing budget, which means they have to prioritise what they’ll need, and whether those expensive trainers are worth saving up for. Plenty of ways to teach school-age DC to budget without charging them rent. I don’t have any friends who charge rent to minors.

Maybe not housekeeping but she could pay for her own phone

I empathise as my teen DD is awful to us.
I think in that scenario, as your DD has apologised profusely, I would let the sleepover happen, ON THE UNDERSTANDING that this is a last-chance thing, if it were to happen again the consequences would ensue. But I’m a shit parent so I’m probably wrong!

But also - housekeeping charges for a 17yo, I’ve never heard of such a thing!

She'd belittle you in front of her friends.
I think she would see it as a golden opportunity to do so. She sounds very spoilt by what you have given her.

Driving lessons are not always a privilege. I hated mine and never wanted to learn to drive, if my parents had withdrawn them I'd have been delighted.

Tricky one-first thought is that yes absolutely cancel.
second thought is for DH to sort out the food (and any mess) with DD
third thought is DD pays for food out of her money and sorts her own mess out.
if you choose 2 or 3, either way you’re not sorting food and mess!
Going forward she can pay a small amount for housekeeping or at least pay for her own phone.

Good for you - now every time she’s rude etc withdraw a privilege eg driving lessons, friends over etc etc. Don’t put up with it!

It sounds like there are other sanctions you could have made - like stopping her driving lessons. I would have do that, not cancelled the friends. It affects other people and the chances are she and her friends will meet up somewhere else, maybe they will never come to yours as they think you are mean. And there is a lot to be said for hosting so you can meet the friends, see the dynamics, keep an eye on how your daughter behaves in the group. See any vulnerabilities, spot dodgy characters etc. She still needs to be parented and supported at 17. It's often hard work with teenagers but my advice is to always prioritise your relationship with her, accept that you can't always get what you want or deserve, and don't lock horns.

If a child is earning, they should contribute to the household pot. It can be only a minimal contribution but it can be a valuable lesson on growing up and budgeting.

Kids paying rent is teaching a valuable life lesson, imo.
OP was right to cancel the party. It wasn't a special birthday party, so I don't think OP was excessive.
A 17 year old definitely knows manners.

This. I’m not sure that bragging that you don’t charge your underage child rent is a flex on your generosity. Charging rent to children in compulsory school is not acceptable in 2025 IMO.

This is MN so they'll tell you to kick her out of the house minimum, whilst saying they're children with their brains still developing until they're 25 in any other situation 🙄

Yanbu. Shes almost an adult.
Her behaviour will impact your youngest and your relationship if you don’t stop her.
She sounds like a nightmare to be honest

I'd have let her have her friends over. You say she doesn't go out much and after always being a lovely teen has suddenly turned rude ? 17 is a bit late for it to be hormones, which says to me she is struggling for another reason. I'd be happy she was doing something with friends, that may well sort the emotional crap out

I wonder what happened a few months ago? IMO it’s very unusual for girls of that age to suddenly “teenage” so I would suspect something difficult has happened to her, or she has become anxious/depressed about something.

Also have you changed at all? My mum definitely blamed some of her menopause rages on my behaviour which was extremely mild.

YANBU. You shouldn't be treated like a doormat in your own home.

Same problem with my own 17yr old daughter. You've done the right thing because I've also done the same to mine. She soon learned.