Cancelling day out due to behaviour

This!

@Lucythesquirrel it' feels counter intuitive but as pp said emotional regulation is a skill and it's on going

Gosh it's so incredibly hard but please take her.
When she's calm maybe at cinema talk to her about her feelings and what she could do next time and how it's not ok to break stuff etc.
The best thing to do would be to have a good bonding time and talk to her when calm

Obviously you don’t know the full back story but I have never, ever taught my child to suppress their feelings nor would I, I agree that this is wrong. But there is absolutely a difference between suppressing a child’s feelings and letting them be vile and sassy towards you without any repercussions, so I stick by what I originally said. I’m not allowing my child to be awful to me then treating them to a day at the cinema with popcorn! Sorry if that sounds harsh to you but what sort of adult would they become then?!

She's 4! Use it as a chance to talk to her, explain how to manage her emotions, she was obviously feeling overwhelmed. Cancelling her trip teaches her nothing, she's not learning a skill. If she was bad at say, football, would she learn how to shoot better if you threatened to cancel the cinema every time she missed the goal? Emotional regulation is a skill set (one we even struggle with as adults - hands up if you've shouted at the kids this half term), teach her some skills for next time, explain that we all get frustrated but it's not ok for that to come out as shouting/screaming/throwing, explain a better way for it to come out. If you do cancel the trip, at least fill in the gap with some time together working on these things (colour monster, feelings jars, candle breathing etc)

And in some cases releasing your every feeling as an adult could put you in a police cell and get you a criminal record.

Not immediately showing your every feeling is actually entirely appropriate for adults!

Different kids need different things - but in the OP's case walking out resulted in destructive behaviour which seems like an escalation.

I agree about appropriate release of emotions, much more helpful long term than suppression.

For one meltdown I might give another chance, but for destroying things in her room I would cancel the day out as she's old enough to understand that. I can't imagine treating my DS to a cinema treat if he'd just trashed his room and lashed out at me.

Teaching a child to suppress their emotions so that they don’t get punished by parents isn’t a healthy emotional regulation tool. They still feel, they just know they’re not safe to share how they feel.

Not a healthy place to be in for adulthood etc

I wouldn’t punish a meltdown- she is 4 and will struggle to regulate her emotions. If this an occasional issue this needs a conversation when she is more relaxed. To find out what was difficult for her on that day.

If she’s destroyed the garland around her bed, she’s got an immediate consequence to her behaviour - her room isn’t as nice as it used to be.

I personally give grace when my LO has a melt down (age 3) and accept that he doesn’t yet have the skills to manage his emotions correctly (although he’s learning)

A punishment for having feelings is pointless. You don’t want your DD to learn that she can’t feel anything , and needs to suppress her anger because its unacceptable to few angry/overwhemed.

She needs to learn to communicate her feelings in an appropriate way. Not shouting and screaming, not destroying her things.

I wouldn’t immediate replace the garland, but I’d potentially give her the opportunity to earn it back. Wouldn’t cancel the cinema trip - she sounds like she’d benefit from a nice one on one outing with you.

In teacher training we were taught to give a couple of warnings before a sanction, so that the pupil has a chance to change their behaviour. I used this with my own autistic son when he was 6 onwards and it was really helpful. Going straight in with a strong punishment can upset children all the more and is unhelpful in that they don’t have a chance to reflect and change their behaviour. So saying something like, ‘shouting at me is unkind, please use a quiet voice, otherwise you will lose 10 minutes of computer time later, that’s a warning,’ is a lot better than an immediate big punishment which tends to upset all the more. You could start doing this sort of thing longer time. A big punishment is likely to both upset and confuse.

A four year old's brain is nothing like an adult's brain, it's unrealistic to expect her to be able to manage her emotions independently at this age. I wouldn't count this as deliberate misbehaviour, she probably can't help it. Emotional regulation is a skill that has to be taught through co-regulation.

The only reason I'd cancel the trip is if you thought your dd was too tired/unwell etc. There's no point in punishing a child for something they can't control.

I'm probably seen as a soft parent tbh but I wouldn't not take a 4 year old to the cinema because they had had a meltdown in the morning. They are so young to be able to regulate their upset and anger, just seems cruel

While I don't agree with the 'pandering' comment, sometimes it's neither desirable nor effective to stay in the room with them when they're in the midst of a proper meltdown. Some children fair better when left to work through their anger (providing they're safe), and some others can really injure bystanders - their presence sometimes escalates the situation further. I've sometimes walked away from my dd calmly and with love. It took me a while to figure out that my continuing presence was a contributing factor in her escalating dysregulation. We have however given her some ideas about how she can more appropriately release her strong emotions (hitting a pillow, squeezing a stress toy or whatever). Obviously this is something they get better at as they get older though.

(1) ‘Right - because you’ve been naughty you are not going to the cinema ‘ - harsh punishment.

(2) ‘I think today you’re obviously finding it hard to stay calm so let let’s have a quiet day at home and do something nice together. We can go out to the cinema another day.’ Probably what she needs and no shame evoked

I’d personally go for 2 !

My experience is if the kick off in the morning they are likely tired and will be hard work throughout the day.

I wouldn't cancel as a punishment but I would reschedule.

There's no point going if you're both going to find it difficult, just do an at home cinema and hot chocolate, popcorn instead.

I wouldn’t cancel after one meltdown, however if it continues then i don’t see a problem with doing that, the thing is if you ‘treat’ them after a meltdown it’s like they are being rewarded. My 6 year old went through a spat of meltdowns/being rude etc and cancelling play dates and giving her incredibly boring days instead was the only thing that stopped them! We had tried everything by this stage I must say though!

for 'pandering'. That's a bullshit phrase that belongs in the bin.

When a young child (4.5yo) is struggling to regulate their emotions, walking out can risk making them more overwhelmed.

An alternative is to just sit and wait, giving them time to calm down.

I always distinguish between temper and melt down.
One is because they are cross/ not getting their own way.
But a melt down is when they for some reason are just unable to control their emotions and it comes out like a flood. Once that begins, the decision making part of the brain no longer functions, it is flooded by the hormones of distress.

So during melt downs

1. no expectation of a choice or decision. Watching a parent of a child saying - if you do that again you will lose... when a child is in melt down mode is actually really sad. In this moment they CANNOT control themselves to make that choice.
2. they need some help, someone to be with them as the storm passes, or even to help it pass. For some kids that means alone time but for most it means hugs holding, sitting with and very little talking. Remove from situation if necessary, take control if needed, but don't expect meaningful interaction while the storm is still raging.

It is also the time to begin to learn that when you feel these big feelings coming, here are some strategies to help.
In my experience, a melt down over eg socks, is never about the socks.
Was she overexcited/nervous about the cinema trip?

I never cancelled trips like this because of melt downs. The value of 1:1 time outweighs the need to make a punishment point.

Sounds like a great response. What would you suggest? Cuddles and pandering?

I wouldn’t, it sounds like she’s gotten dysregulated and removing the day out doesn’t teach her anything and it just punishes her. Do I think she should get away with what she’s done? No. But cancelling the cinema doesn’t help anyone. If this were my 5 year old I would be curious about what set this off, I’d be talking through what she felt and what she could do next time, and I’d be asking her to help fix what she’s broken.

It could be she needs some time with you away from everyone else. Just some one to one time where maybe you can bring up what happened today.
Have you got the book My Big Shouting Day
By Rebecca Patterson? That’s a good book to read and talk about.

She wasn't in control, clearly extremely upset. The bigger question is how do you find out what's going on for her and help her moderate her feelings.

I walked out of her room and left the door open and said I was going to come back when she was ready. This might need a different approach.